Trauma bond woes

[Pepin]

I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am sadly trauma bonded to DH at the hands of DPD MIL.  I miss the man I married and it is he that I am waiting for.  To some this seems ridiculous....because it means that I am not living in a healthy and safe environment.  I live with a certain degree of vigilance every single day.  I hate weekends more than anything because it means DH will abandon us to visit his mother.  It takes away from our time to reconnect after a busy week -- and DH does a poor job at scheduling things with his mother which means he often forgets to do stuff for her or a situation arises and he is needed right away.    

I am waiting to see how DH will be as a husband after DPD MIL passes to make my decision.  Again, I know this is kind of sad to do...I know I deserve better and it isn't what I signed up for, nor could I have predicted it with the info I had early on in our relationship and then marriage. 

Am I scared?  Yes. 
Am I lonely?  Nope.  In fact I could use more space from him sometimes. 
Am I ashamed for my part in this?  Yes.  I think shame is what keeps me planted firmly in this circus of a situation. 

I came from dysfunction and married right into dysfunction because it looked better than what I had....now I know it is just different and also bad. 

Do we have children?  Yes.  And they know that it is bad because we talk a lot about DPD MIL and DH.  They don't know why I stay but they know that if it were them, they would not tolerate it.  At least I have achieved success in that.  *sigh* And they don't want kids of their own so that in itself is another success.  They have the choice to do what they want on their terms. 

[frogjumpsout]

Pepin, just jumping in to say I can relate and send hugs. And your kids are very lucky to have you as a mother!!!