public compliment

[Poison Ivy]

I just received a "public" (shared in email to a group of coworkers) compliment from my boss, and here is my reaction: I'm cringing, and I want to dig a hole in my backyard and bury myself in it.

Does anyone else react like this to compliments? Why do I feel this way?

[Andeza]

Because you've internalized that you are not worthy of the compliment. I knew the answer to that one pretty fast because I do the same dang thing.

But the important thing to remember is that the little voice in your head that went "Ah! No! Hide." is wrong. You are worthy. So smile to yourself, say thanks, pick up your shoulders because I bet you physically sagged when you read it, and carry on with doing a great job.

[tragedy or hope]

I think it is okay not to want attention. A compliment to me is usually a judgement on behalf of the one who gives it. It is based on their assessment of me. A general statement about something that went well as I participated in it has far more value to me. Perhaps on some level this is what is bothering you.

I am not in your shoes, I did not hear what was said, perhaps in your heart you know it was something else. I don't know. I take compliments with a "grain of salt." What matters to me is how well I feel about what I did. I really don't need the praise. I don't think all "compliments" need to be addressed more than a thank you. When others keep talking about it, I will redirect the subject.
A boss doing it in front of others also sets you apart from the others. I think it is really okay not to respond much to the recognition.

Just move on. One day you may feel differently but I don't see anything wrong with it making you feel uncomfortable. You sound like a team player to me.

You probably did an outstanding job, people notice. That's okay. Good for you.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm not sure about your FOO situation, Poison Ivy, but I instantly thought of the way many PD families have a revolving designation of GC and SG and how often the siblings are "competing" to be GC. So I'm imagining a scenario in which a PD parent puts you on the GC pedestal (perhaps by giving a compliment), and not only do you know it's only so long before someone or something comes to knock you down, but all the siblings currently in the SG position are resentful that you're occupying the GC position and are just waiting for you to fall. I think in general, people from PD families have a sense of "what goes up must come down." I have definitely worried that receiving a public compliment like that was going to put a target on my back or lead to my peers resenting me for getting praise/attention.

My PDmom also had very high expectations, and I was supposed to meet those, no matter what. If she said I was good at math, it wasn't a compliment so much as an order to be good at math and get good grades.

[Starboard Song]

Does anyone else react like this to compliments? Why do I feel this way?

My wife does. "You are too kind" or "That's very generous" just cannot escape her lips with facility. Her preferred home is "I'm really not happy with it," or "Yeah, well it is riddled with mistakes." Recovery from a lifetime of critique is hard.

[Boat Babe]

Sounds like it was casual but appropriate praise and it's so sad that your parents damaged your ability to enjoy it.

Can I suggest you journal about this? You may gain some valuable insights that free you up to respond pleasurably to positive feedback.

IMO there's all the difference in the world between compliments and flattery. An honest compliment, with no agenda, is a gift. We do it for our kids after all 😁

I'm now gonna say something lovely to you Poison Ivy. I really appreciate your contributions on this forum. Based on what you write, you are an intelligent, considerate and perceptive person. You give generously from your personal experience to support fellow members. That makes you a valuable member of this amazing little global community. How amazing are you!

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you to everyone who has commented here. This morning's email compliment brought up a memory: When then boyfriend and I were discussing getting married, I expressed my desire for a small wedding, and he said that in his family, weddings were big; for example, his sister and her husband had had 300 guests. I was filled with horror, mainly at the thought of 300 people LOOKING AT ME. We had a very small wedding.

[Starboard Song]

We observe in my home that I feel safe in any social setting: even a hostile one. My wife feels threatened in even the safest of social settings. When we realized this it was a real oh-shit moment. We'd been married 20 years without understanding we lived in such different worlds.

[Cascade]

I'm okay with compliments one on one but in front of a group they make me feel uncomfortable too.  I feel bad for the others around me, that they aren't getting the compliment, even though I know that's kinda crazy.

[notrightinthehead]

It was a lightbulb moment for me many years ago when the head of a department publicly thanked me at an annual event. I was in the back and tears just started flowing. I was filled with joy and gratitude that someone actually appreciated what I had done. I was also embarrassed for having been mentioned and fearful of the repercussions - the put downs that would inevitably follow from my NPDh. In that moment I realized that I had been starved for any good words for what felt forever.
Poison Ivy, it is good that you became aware of how you respond to praise. You could dig deeper and explore what is happening within you. You could find out how you think you would be reacting if you were 'undamaged'.  You could prepare a response, like a graceful "Thank you, very kind of you to say so" and carefully allow yourself to feel some pride and joy inside. Then file it away for a moment when you feel low.  Many of us far too easily remember the bad feedback and forget the good one.

[1footouttadefog]

It all depends on ends on the public complement.

Sometimes they set you up for higher expectations from others.

Sometimes they are to derail negative attention someone else is getting.

Example, I was working on a churches website.  A new group of elders was rotated/elected.  One of then was over the adversiting and outreach.  They wanted to website to be more functional and dynamic.  They pressed for changes and content from the pastor.  Church members became aware of changes that were. Being asked for thst had not happened.

These were all things I had suggested could be possible but no leadership had acted in making it happen.  Anyway, there was a little paragraph write up in the mail out newsletter praising me and thanking me for my hard work etc.  This was a distraction from the pastor not having engaged. It in essence tossed me under the bus as the reason the website was not doing what church members wanted it to do.  As if poor little volunteer me was struggling and had not made it happen.