Important Events

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Is it common for people with PD's to disappear during important events?

I believe my husband has a PD and for a start he never celebrates holidays. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mother's Day etc.

He knows those days are important to me and I remind them when they are, yet still, he will not celebrate them. Like my birthday, he will not do anything whatsoever. Then days later we will attend an event together and he will take photos and post them on FB they say they are photos of the special day without tell me? If I make a fuss he will say "I don't see what the big deal is, holidays aren't important."

It's not just holidays though. When we took our baby home from the hospital, he dropped me off and was nowhere to be found and completely out of contact for 2 days. Or when our child was hospitalized, I called him to tell him, then he said he would be right over, then disappeared off the map completely and nobody could contact him.

It bothers me to no end! The reason being that I thought people with PD's wanted others (friends for example) to see how good they are. It doesn't look very good when people are coming to the hospital to see your sick child, and you're nowhere to be found, or when you scream at someone in front of your family "your birthday isn't important, get over it!"  It's also obviously very hurtful.

Is this a common thing others have experienced?

[escapingman]

That sounds horrible, I feel for you.

My uNPDw always attend every event and special occasion, but she always kick off at some point to ruin it for everybody (or at least me). I have stopped doing things, or stopped caring about her when we do things as she will always do this.

[Prototypian]

I get it!   My PD always refuses to be involved in a kids birthday but also won't let anyone plan the thing.  She trusts no one to plan but also doesn't want to allow the event to go forward.   She typically finds somtbing to do at the last minute at every event and manages to skip it.   In my case I think it's a fear of both engaging with people when she is not in control but also a fear of not being in control of all details. 

Yours sounds like someone who doesn't like to engage with other people at all and be expected to behave a certain way when an event is going on.   When you brought your baby home there was no framework where he could be the center of attention.  The baby was first and the mom was second and when faced with that he just had to bail.

I'm not a therapist though and PD's and their behavior don't ever make sense to me.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

That sounds horrible, I feel for you.

My uNPDw always attend every event and special occasion, but she always kick off at some point to ruin it for everybody (or at least me). I have stopped doing things, or stopped caring about her when we do things as she will always do this.

Yes, we don't do anything together anymore for similar reasons. He does take our child places but I'm always on egg shells because inevitably, he is going to get angry about something. Right now, luckily, he's in that happy stage where he's trying to be nice. I'm so sorry that she ruins occasions for you.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I get it!   My PD always refuses to be involved in a kids birthday but also won't let anyone plan the thing.  She trusts no one to plan but also doesn't want to allow the event to go forward.   She typically finds somtbing to do at the last minute at every event and manages to skip it.   In my case I think it's a fear of both engaging with people when she is not in control but also a fear of not being in control of all details. 

Yours sounds like someone who doesn't like to engage with other people at all and be expected to behave a certain way when an event is going on.   When you brought your baby home there was no framework where he could be the center of attention.  The baby was first and the mom was second and when faced with that he just had to bail.

I'm not a therapist though and PD's and their behavior don't ever make sense to me.

Yes, his behaviour makes no sense to me either. I assume it is because growing up he told me he had no birthdays or holidays. It seems like, if it isn't important to him, it's not important to anyone. It's very frustrating, and it sucks having to try to explain why the person isn't there. I'm sure you've felt the same thing.

[tragedy or hope]

Justa..g..,
You are on to something. You said it;
"if it isn't important to him, it's not important to anyone." How wise you are already. This is part of the behavior. Like your feelings? My unpdh would like to dictate to me and does, what my feelings are. If I say I am sad, he tells me I have no reason to be, if I am happy he can dampen that mood with a word or two. He works hard at it. I don't know about you but all it does is widen the chasm between us for me. I see him most of the time as this odd stranger.
Maybe stop telling him how you feel, let him choose his absence, but don't make excuses... "he did not want to be here," or "he found something else to do," would be honest.
Have the life you want or he will keep stealing your joy. As you know he has not changed. Unfortunately to expect it would only cause. you more pain.

He seems to choose his audience and does not like the ones you pick, so the phony pic on the internet is his choice. Misrepresenting the event appears to mean nothing to him. How good HE looks does, to the audience of his choice.