A sort of apology from my enD

[Sidney37]

I usually post on the NC board.  I've been NC with my PDm for about 2 years and with my enD for about 18 months,  I had a hard time going NC with my dad, but he tricked me into phone conversations with my mom back then and I didn't like it.  She verbally abuses him, too.  But in the end he took her side and started posting mean memes about me on social media to shame me for my NC with her.  He's done other things to support her and to be unkind to me,  But they are old.  They are between 70 and 80, so I guess that puts me here.  How do you deal with guilt over NC when you know they have little time left?  Especially  the enabler who you go between wanting NC with and feeling sorry for?

Well, he was having memory problems when I went NC.  Blocking him hasn't  been foolproof.  Today I got a message about all of the work/volunteer work he's had to quit because of his memory and what seems like an actual apology.  It's not as specific as I'd like, but it seems sincere. 

I never expected any sort of apology.  I had plans in my head to be NC forever and getting a text from a cousin that they had passed.  Now I'm envisioning an elderly, somewhat helpless version of my enD and wondering what to do.  My PDm is still alive,  I'm sure she's no less mean and manipulative than she ever was.  I have no feelings of  curiosity about ever speaking to her no matter how frail and sick she might get.

Now I'm feeling guilty as can be.  How do you cope with feeling guilty about NC with your elderly enabler when the PD is still alive and certainly influencing the enabler?  This was easier when I didn't see them as feeble and towards the end of life,  This is  a totally new version of FOG.

[Andeza]

My situation is different, as I'm not NC with the enabler. But then, enDad divorced uBPDm and they aren't on speaking terms anymore. It simplifies things, although he still asks if I've heard from her.

Honestly though, it seems like many of these enablers aren't enablers at all, but really, really covert pwPDs themselves. The manipulation tactics are generally pretty intense too. They're between 70 and 80, but as PDs age they tend to get worse, keep that in mind. Additionally, 70 to 80 isn't really terribly old anymore. The number of people pushing 100 has gone up over the years, with some years being the exception of course. They both may very well have 15+ years left, and would you really want to be subject to potential abuse, manipulation, triangulation, etc for that long?

Also, to reframe your question in a slightly different light. You ask how do you cope with feeling guilt in this situation? I would ask rather, how do you cope with feeling guilt for protecting yourself? Because that's what you're ultimately doing. The only thing that has really changed is how you see them, but not their behavior as far we know.

[Sidney37]

I always wished that enD would divorce PDm.  it would certainly make it easier to determine if he's a PD himself. 

It's very true how you reframe the question.  I have always said that my NC is not to punish them  It isn't.  It's to protect me.  And I know for sure, I'm not letting them interact with my children.  I'm quite convinced as soon as my daughter goes to college that she will call them, but until them, I'm not allowing it. 

[Leonor]

Hi Sydney,

I think Andeza nailed it.

We parentified kids are so used to caretaking the overtly abusive parent that we're shoved into a parental role with the other one, too.

The other parent then seems like a fellow survivor, or "in the same boat" as we are. Sometimes we feel worse "for them" than ourselves. If only Mom could leave, we think, or If she would just leave Dad alone.

WRONG 

If we take a step back, we see how twisted and manipulative this is. This is an adult person, someone who chose, and continues to choose, to subject his/her own little children to abuse. Because they live vicariously through the abusive spouse, and then use their children as shoulders to cry on, sources of supply and human shields from their own spouse.

Go to a playground and look at the little children. They love to swing, and climb, and slide, and spun each other on the merry-go-round. They're so beautiful and precious. How sick us it, then, to use their innocence and love and just plain smallness as some grown-up's crutch!

[Pepin]

Unfortunately, adult children have been groomed by society (this is very prevalent in certain cultures) to be a part of their aging parents' lives.  Doesn't matter whether our parents were abusive.  The guilt that surrounds this for those of us who were parentified is enormous. 

What I try and remind myself is that I didn't cause this.  Our parents have ALWAYS had choices.  They are ADULTS and know what they are doing to themselves and anyone else around them.  They have expectations of their adult children and others that are terribly unreasonable all because these people didn't want to do the hard work.

As children, we don't owe anything to our parents.  Zero.  Especially abusive ones.  We do owe ourselves love and a good life though.  And yes, enablers are abusers, too.  It is easy for us to feel bad for them...especially in your dad's case because his health is failing.  The ball really is in his court to get the help he needs and to stand up for himself.  It isn't your job to get in the middle of his choices.  It is your job to take care of you.

[1footouttadefog]

For me the letter would go into my od journal.  It would serve in much the same way as the occasional snP shots of what I lived with do. When I am gaslighted or in denile or whatever, these things I wrote help validate that this is all real.
 

[Sidney37]

Thank you all for your help and thoughts. I delayed responding because in my gut I knew that I shouldn't.  I also delayed when waiting to see what people here had to say.  I'm so glad that I did.  Thank you for your messages and support.  Yes, I was groomed by her to take care of them and to feel bad for his choices. 

Less than 24 hours after his messages that sort of guilt tripped me for needing to talk to him before his memory fails completely, but included a sort of apology, I got a lengthy email from my mother.  Included in it was a big time guilt trip about how I could do this to them (be VLC and NC for 2 years) after they spent time with me in the hospital after a severe injury that almost killed me.     So she showed me who she truly is.  She is someone who keeps count over the hours she spent nearly 30 years ago in the hospital with her daughter.  Who does that?  A toxic person with a personality disorder.   It was pretty clear at the time that she wanted to be at work rather than at the hospital.  My injury (not at all my fault) was clearly wasting her time.  She was missing work and likely wouldn't gt vacation time later in the year because she was using it all to be with me.  There were other toxic statements and demands in the email.  I'm stunned, angry and have been having nightmares all night.  So on top of it all, she triggered my PTSD. 

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry to read you were triggered.

Have no doubts, what you describe about her playing tit for tat over being with you in the hospital is not healthy parental behavior. It's beyond toxic.

If my kid was hurt I would feel very blessed to have time in the books to use while visiting.  A vacation wound be the last thing in my mind.

She sounds like a egg and uterus donor not a mother.

Just a thought, I hope it does not trigger further.  NC is two ways street.  You don't have to read or listen either.

Your father has chosen to support her and stay in this.  He has chosen not to stand up or find away to have a healthy relationship with you despite her.

I hope you the best in healing and moving forward.

[Leonor]

Hi Sydney,

I wonder, too, if mom's nasty message is a big show of attention to keep you focused on her just in case you were thinking about paying attention to your dad since he reached out.

Sometimes the behavior is painful but also an inspiration for compassion for the little child who has to deal with them all those years and a recommitment to healing and wellbeing in the present.

[Sidney37]

Lenor
My husband wondered the same.  He thought she might not have been happy at all that he sent the original message so she had to ruin any attempt that I might be nice to him and also to make it about her.

It's honestly just chance that I found the original messages.  I was cleaning out old voicemail messages and clicked over to the blocked message folder just to see if there were messages from them..  It had been a while since I had looked.  Once I saw a message there, curiosity got the best of me and I went to the folder where the emails get filtered to.  Sure enough emails from him, too.  Then I was on guard, so I've been checking the folders.  I probably shouldn't, but then I saw the one from her. 

My stress has settled and I'm not going to check again for a while.