Parallel parenting- safety vs overprotective

[Bunnyme]

This parallel parenting thing...it is so hard to find the right boundaries.  He often ignores them during visitation.  Sad, but his choice.  They eat whatever.  Fine.  Recently, though, we have an issue that I think is a safety issue.  He thinks I'm overprotective.  Our 7 year old going off around places with just another 7 year old (cousin), like festivals and such.  After the first time, I did say something (in writing) about how I didnt feel like he was old enough.  In stbx's family, it is fine...hence the cousin with him.  I know in my heart of hearts that it is really just easier for stbx not to watch him or spend time with him, but I honestly feel it is unsafe.  It happened again yesterday.
Anyway, I'm also angry that I had to do pickup at said festival (he cant transport and has supervised visitation due to the circumstances leading up to our separation...but it is apparently ok that the kids are unsupervised?!?).  It was almost an hour away.  Had to fight traffic, park, etc. and then find out he didnt actually spend much time with them during the event.  I know I'm not going to win that argument, but it just adds to the frustration.
Do I say something again?  I dont really want to pay my attorney to get involved unless I have to.  I'm definitely documenting.  Not put it as a safety issue, but say that I wont make special arrangements to pick up the kids at events where he wont even watch them?  I wont make headway with him, I know.  I just dont know if I need to document my disapproval by sending him something. 
I really dont think I'm being overprotective...I could see maybe not having any say if it were a normal, unsupervised, shared custody situation.  But.  Ugh.  I dont even know anymore.   Years of gaslighting leave me questioning my own judgment. 

[Poison Ivy]

I don't have any suggestions for how to proceed. However, I don't think you're being overprotective. Age 7 is too young to be on one's own (the other 7 year old doesn't count).

[Bunnyme]

Thanks!  It helps to hear I'm not being too harsh.  This is not a small venue.  Thousands and thousands of people.  I dont mean he has to keep his eyes on the kid every second, but if he was gone long enough to go around gathering free stuff and then selling enough of it to make 18 dollars, he was out of sight too long.  Especially for a supervised visit.  It is hard when the person supervising also lets their kid go...

[Latchkey]

Hi Bunnyme,

Is this family or friend supervised visitation? My attorney told me years ago that that family supervised wasn't really "supervised" visitation.  Two seven year olds alone in a festival of 1000s of people is not supervised visitation. We often have to choose our battles and I think this is a battle I would pick. It may not be in court but I remember years and years ago screaming at the top of my lungs  at my PDexH because I found out he took my kids out without seatbelts in a car with his girlfriends kids that that was too small to fit them all. It pissed him off but he didn't do it again and it was "on the record" that I was going to raise hell and get attorneys involved if he did it again.
I don't know your whole back story but I think documentation and email at the very least. You can cc your attorney without actually involving them. Just making them aware.

Latchkey

[cgr68311]

Hmm, I'm curious how you know all these details, when I parallel parent I exclude locations when I provide an update, so I may say S2 is happy, good appetite, learning crafts, and about animals, etc. I don't include that we went to a petting zoo, or we did the crafts at home, etc. The less details the better to avoid a trigger

[Penny Lane]

Another voice for definitely not overreacting. This is egregious. I don't think you would be out of line to explore whether you can get that person's supervisory ability revoked.

In terms of sending a message to him about your boundary, you certainly can. We've found that it's easier to just enforce the boundary as it comes up rather than sending a proactive message, though.

Something else to consider as you're setting pretty much any boundary: What are you going to do if he tries to defy it? For example, if you're supposed to pick up the kid and you try to insist on a pickup according to the plan, and he just isn't there when he's supposed to be, what are you going to do? In that case you probably would go get the kid from far away, right? In instances like that it might be better to take less of a hard line. You don't want him to learn that your boundaries aren't firm. DH's strategy is to tell his ex exactly what he's going to do and it all has to be 100% within his power. So like "If the kids are not there when I show up I will call the police" vs "you have to make sure the kids are there for pickup." Or to just let it go if you can't stop him from acting badly. In this case the lack of supervision is a much bigger issue than the pickup anyway.

[hhaw]

I "nitpicked" every single safety violation, documented it, sent it to my attorney and to the children's T for her input and bc she would eventually testify in a court of law about those violations.

The kids were driven on highways, at high way speeds without seatbelts, belted in with other children, without child seats....
ashtma meds weren't given AT ALL, even when my child requested help and said it was time for them.  All this went into a file labled  VISITATION/SAFETY ISSUES.

That said, supervised visitation was ordered by the Court and family members weren't considered capable of enforcing safety.

Seven yo children being released sans ALL supervision is the opposite of supervision, bc the PD can find and get them alone.... whatever he does that's innapropriate won't be stopped with that plan. 

I will say this.... our Family Court Judge was an arse and refused to consider any of the above things as "dangerous."  He ruled against me twice, then had to reverse himself, bc he was stomping on the law and our rights and putting my children in harm's way....... someone in his courtroom made him reverse his rulings.

Where this came into play was several years down the road, at a custody trial, bc the ILs lost visitation rights.  Because they lost visitation rights... they filed for custody to torment us through the courts. THATs when all that evidence sank their little red boat.... deeply.

Also, it's my experience the PDs will show the Court who they are IF WE KEEP OUR HEADS DOWN, are consistent, reasonable and always always focused on the kids.... never snarky.... never letting the PD control the narrative.Don't let the PD trigger us into having an outburst, bc that creates confusion for the Court as to whos' the sane, calm parent who'll promote the best possible parental relationship with the ex, IME.

Good luck and I hope you have a T to advocate for your children with you.