A little weirded out

[oak_tree]

I found out a few days ago that DSS 15 slept in his uNPD mom's bed the other night. I don't think it's a regular thing, but he does cuddle with her on her bed every morning after he has his cereal and brings her tea, apparently.
I'm thinking this could just be one of those things that's actually nothing, or it could be super harmful to his independence (I strongly doubt there's sexual abuse happening, though of course there is emotional abuse daily). I'm guessing that it's the norm, "because she's all alone, she's the victim of everything, no one likes her, everyone betrays her, and her children are all she has to live for."  So he's probably there keeping her company and thinks it's normal. I mean, is it?
Any thoughts on this? SO doesn't seem concerned about it (though he'd prefer it didn't happen, I'm sure). We step VERY lightly when it comes to things at uNPD mom's. 

[Poison Ivy]

This would disturb me, too. I don't think teenage children of either sex should be cuddling in bed with parents of either sex.

[notrightinthehead]

It's a cultural thing. Where I lived most of my life it was quite normal for relatives to share beds.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I'm falling right in the middle of the previous responses for what is "normal" in our family / culture.

My 15 y.o. son would not want anyone to know it, but he does enjoy a good, long, snuggly cuddle with his mama from time to time.

Co- sleeping is more difficult. Maybe if he had experienced an acute trauma, or a really, really painful injury or illness? Even in that case, I imagine it would be me camping out in HIS room.

if things are generally healthy / normal / well adjusted, this is probably like that too.
If things are generally dysfunctional / weird / enmeshed / caretaking / codependent, this is probably like that too.

I think this a scenario where you should trust your gut / intuition.

Is your son in therapy? If not, maybe that is something you should look into and really push to make happen.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the responses (other than mine). I'm adjusting my opinion about this situation.

[square]

It could be unhealthy but it's not inherently so. My DD is 16 and likes to hang out in bed with me - no cuddles, though. She just scrolls through her phone and talks to me. She doesn't like to be touched at all, not even a simple hug.

H had seriously disturbed sleep as a child (still does). Due to PTSD I believe. When he had night terrors he sometimes would go to his mother's room and get in herbed, to feel safer. Not sure what age range but somewhere between 7 and 12.

Thing is, when the family T found out, he was appalled. And that reaction made H feel shame. It broke his innocence in part. He was a boy seeking safety with mom and suddenly an outside adult was projecting something sexual onto it when it wasn't there. That crack in innocence was a real loss to him, so I feel like we need to be careful before suggesting this to a child, even with supposedly discreet questioning.

Of course it's even more important to protect children from abuse, just saying it's not without cost to dig into something.

In this case it may be a little weird but not a lot to be done about it if it is just a little weird. And it may be fine. As the mother of a teen, knowing her and her friends, they are still children and some like to cuddle.

[Penny Lane]

It’s interesting that there are so many different responses to this. I think that probably goes back to the fact that different kids have very different needs. Some teens would never want to be in their parents’ bed, others want that comfort.

I wonder if maybe your discomfort stems from a cultural difference? Or is it that your gut is telling you that this is more about the mom needing the attention as opposed to what the teen needs?

If it’s the first one - if DSS is happy with this or even is initiating it - then cool, no problems here. Different houses, different norms.

If it’s the second thing, that’s troubling but I don’t think actionable. The best you can do is reinforce to the kids that they are allowed to set boundaries and how to do that, as well as reinforcing the concept that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. It’s a roundabout, imperfect solution but maybe it’s the best you have.

[oak_tree]

Thanks for your input, everyone!

Square, that was exactly what I was thinking in terms of loss of innocence. I suspect that the situation is not sexual, but more like what BC asked:

If things are generally dysfunctional / weird / enmeshed / caretaking / codependent, this is probably like that too.

It's certainly caretaking and generally dysfunctional - she relies on her children for a lot, from money to emotional support, to waiting on her. And they think that's normal and perfectly acceptable.

Is your son in therapy? If not, maybe that is something you should look into and really push to make happen.

(stepson) No. His mother claims to be in therapy but in the past, she insisted that therapy was for crazy people, so DSS would likely refuse flat out. I'm wondering if it could be approached as a way of healing the relationship between him and his father and they both go. Thing is, there isn't actually anything particularly wrong with their relationship that I can see. They have a ton of fun together, enjoy a lot of the same things, and his dad helps him with school too. Maybe if the counsellor ended up asking "so...um...why are you even here" that would shine a light on at least part of the situation, for DSS.

PL...you said it, and I think that it applies SO much to PDs: "roundabout, imperfect solutions" are so often the best we have. I think I'd put that on a T-Shirt...
Thanks all!