Six-Year Anniversary

[Starboard Song]

It's been six years since our crisis erupted.

My FIL announced to me in an email that my MIL no longer wanted to interact with us. She soon affirmed that this was a permanent Silent Treat: that she'd never ever change her mind. And though we tried to make this work for our DS11, we couldn't. When my MIL continued to send abusive and hateful emails to us, we cut the mic, and notified them that they were no longer participants in our household, DS included.

Though it took 6 months to get to NC, I mark today as the anniversary: it was the date when decades of dysfunction and years of decline crossed a line and ruptured. My DS hasn't visited with his grandparents in 5 1/2 years and doesn't want to. I have not spoken to them in almost 4 years and accept that doing so today could not help. My wife hasn't spoken to them in just over 4 years and is thankful for the peace in our lives.

I write this note today for those in turmoil.

It gets better. It gets way better. If you are able to make the clean break, and if you can maintain your dignity and honor by never lashing out, it does get better. I still think about them way too often. A little conversation can start it going again. A little memory. A photo album. But, through some connected family members we know they still mistreat others. We know they are a little bizarre. We know they do not understand what happened to them six years ago.

So it is only with a bemused, nostalgic sense of regret that I reflect on the events of six years ago. Here are the things I wish I'd known / believed then that I had to learn:

• I now believe both partners in a married couple must be co-equals, never falling for the old your-parents-so-you're-in-control fallacy. When we face major crises that can reverberate for years, our relationships are stressed. This is a time for two people sworn to one another to fully engage as equals, and make sure both partners are comfortable with each step.
• Sustainable, peaceful NC is best seen as a step in a process. We got thrown right to it by my MIL's tantrum, and it made the whole thing not make sense. We should have forced the issue, and made sure there were prolonged communications before allowing the NC door to slam. I say this not because I believe we owed it to them but because that process would be healthier for us.
• NC is OK: worse things happen every day. We are in an extended family that has known no major childhood illness, no premature cancer, no divorce. So this NC seemed like a great tragedy. It isn't. We excised two people who prevented us from thriving and could not stop abusing us for a damned minute.

We got a PhD in interpersonal conflict and negotiating. It served us well as we had to deal with weird family matters for the next year after NC. We will never again allow anyone to destroy our peace without a kind discussion, ensuring they understand the impact of their actions. We will never again accommodate unrighteous requests and demands.

We are better, stronger, and move loving BECAUSE we went NC. It is a terrible, sad outcome. But sometimes it is the safe path in a thick wood.

Be good. Be strong.

[SunnyMeadow]

• NC is OK: worse things happen every day. We are in an extended family that has known no major childhood illness, no premature cancer, no divorce. So this NC seemed like a great tragedy. It isn't. We excised two people who prevented us from thriving and could not stop abusing us for a damned minute.

This really puts in all into perspective. Thanks for sharing Starboard.

[Starboard Song]

I think we get so caught up in our drama we forget this: every day a child loses the sweetest grandpa in the world to a car accident or a heart attack. Many kids never get to live close to their sweet, wonderful grandma. We don't all believe that lives have been ruined. It is a loss and we move on.

Yet when the time comes to say No More to those who do us harm, that strikes us an an enormity.

Here's the deal: a loving and generous grandparent is a wonderful thing in a child's life. Their loss is important and lamentable. A toxic, hateful grandparent who calls their own children nasty words, smearing their names in public, shaming them in emails and phone calls and denying them parental love -- a grandparent like that is no value, and their loss is not lamentable.

The challenge is in realizing that there are many kindly older folks to serve as mentors to any child. They only get four shots at casting for biological grandparents though. If the casting call fails and horrible fate puts a toxic, disordered person in the role, the loss we are talking about -- the meaningful loss of a grandparent -- has already occurred.

[moglow]

Here's the deal: a loving and generous grandparent is a wonderful thing in a child's life. Their loss is important and lamentable. A toxic, hateful grandparent who calls their own children nasty words, smearing their names in public, shaming them in emails and phone calls and denying them parental love -- a grandparent like that is no value, and their loss is not lamentable.

The challenge is in realizing that there are many kindly older folks to serve as mentors to any child. They only get four shots at casting for biological grandparents though. If the casting call fails and horrible fate puts a toxic, disordered person in the role, the loss we are talking about -- the meaningful loss of a grandparent -- has already occurred.

I wasn't able to have the children/family I wanted but I deeply appreciate the way you framed that, Starboard. In my family I've watched the absolute joy and love with which my youngest brother and wife received their first grandchild last year. I've been there with absolute envy of the obvious warmth and care they all have for each other, just about in tears it's so real and touching for me and knowing what I missed out on by living so far away from them. THAT's what those relationships are supposed to look and feel like!! The next generations NEED those examples so they can break what we know all too well from the past.

The casting calls we're all familiar with here were for the most part dismal failures. I hate that anyone had to go through it and all the resulting pain and disappointment BUT I'm glad you found us and brought a torch into our darkness. Many more times than you're aware, you've touched me personally whether with a story of your own experience, your kindness or just letting me know I'm seen and no longer alone.

For me, I'm glad I finally allowed that door to slam and am reaching the realization that it should have happened decades ago. It's not a "happy" thought in the big picture but there's a comfort in knowing I really did everything I knew to do and 415 others that I made up as I went along - and the only thing that finally changed has been ME.

Be good, be strong. 

[M0009803]

I think your last sentence has a key part:

Dysfunctional people of that degree prevent you & your family from thriving.

Thats the sad, unfortunate reality.

It takes years (in my view) to get to the point were you can see this because most non-dysfunctional people do not behave in these kind of irrational ways, so you end up going in circles over the years trying to understand what is going on.  Time, distance, and a lot of reading and self-reflection make the whole thing "obvious", and it gets easier to detach. 

I also think about my dysfunctional family from time to time when I see pictures and other kids.  But I now know that there is nothing I can do to make the situation healthier.  There is no way for them to change their behavior as they truly think everybody else is at fault, and they are the healthy ones.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I am coming up on four years NC with my FOO, three with my IL's. I likewise appreciate your hard-won wisdom. Especially your words about grandparents. My kids are 0/4 on the casting call. It's a loss that is much better accepted than trying futilely over and over to make work. And worse than futility is the active HARM that these grandparents continually inflict on their own children and grandchildren. The "loss" of that interaction is something like cutting out a cancer. We might lament that it was necessary, or loss of normal functioning in the body, which can hopefully be regained in time, but we don't mourn the diseased tissues. My oldest child is now about the age of your DS when you went NC. It's undoubtedly  much better for my children with more space for healthy relationships in our lives, both existing ones and potential for new connections.

I also wholeheartedly agree about spouses being united... that's been a bit rocky at times for us but overall, yup.

I'm not quite sure about NC being a step in a process... I mean, yes, it is, but you seem to be advocating a more detached evidence-examining process before getting to the NC point as a matter of... I don't know, best practice? I mean, maybe that's true. I think it's going to be highly individual and, as in your case, not going to be completely in our control. Some are born NC, some achieve NC, and others have NC thrust upon them.  I think sustainable, peaceful NC is something that can be achieved but it's pretty much always going to be messy and a trial-and-error sort of process for those of us making the decision. Occasionally somebody has a story like JustKathy where she hangs up the phone after a "normal" conversation and simply never speaks to her mother again, but there is still aftermath for years, even if just within ourselves. Maybe it would have been better to take a more objective, "I will try this and learn from the response," kind of approach. In practice I'm not sure it matters much. I got thrown into it by deciding I was taking a break from my parents out of sheer desperation. I did it more deliberately with my MIL and it still sucked. Whatever, with both sets of parents I got the information I needed. What mattered was that I used what I learned and rebuilt my life without them. The NC process just isn't pretty, because it's all about facing an ugly truth. And sometimes truth reveals itself in a flash. And for what it's worth, taking 6 months to get to NC from your MIL's announcing hers seems like a generous timeline and prolonged communications to me. You got where you needed to go. Well done.

I don't mean to be argumentative. I guess I was musing on my own experiences too. Here's to many more years of peaceful, healthy-boundaried life. 

[Starboard Song]

I'm not quite sure about NC being a step in a process... I mean, yes, it is, but you seem to be advocating a more detached evidence-examining process before getting to the NC point as a matter of... I don't know, best practice? I mean, maybe that's true. I think it's going to be highly individual and, as in your case, not going to be completely in our control.

I don't mean to be argumentative.

I appreciate the feedback, actually. My wife and I discussed this post a good bit last night. For her, the process was begun and completed in about 6 minutes, when we were told my MIL had decided she no longer wanted to interact with us. That sort of irrational discard was dropped on top of decades of experience for her, and she was done on the spot. For me, it was my first rodeo. I needed to work through some things to get to the point where NC seemed required, or morally right, or whatever. I didn't get the chance to go through my process, and that added a lot of pain for me. I don't think it changed the eventual outcome though.

I guess my thought would be better expressed this way: getting from "working on it" to "not-working-not-caring" requires several intellectual and emotional pieces to all fall in place. We each have our own ways of getting there, and our own precise needs. I guess what I am advocating is that people really think hard on what they need to gain the peace promised by NC. For some devout people, that may mean giving people more tries, or leaving a door open for potential reconciliation. For people shocked by a sudden crisis, like me, it may mean indulging in a lot of communications and negotiations before closing that door. For people who've suffered abuse, they may feel a need to let 'er rip and express some of their pain at high volume on their way out the door. I guess what I perceive is that we need to each find those needs for ourselves and meet them.

Thanks for pointing out an option I didn't mean: there is no obligation for any of us to follow any particular behavioral process at all. We need only do what must be done to preserve our ability to thrive for those who reliably love us.

[Cat of the Canals]

• I now believe both partners in a married couple must be co-equals, never falling for the old your-parents-so-you're-in-control fallacy. When we face major crises that can reverberate for years, our relationships are stressed. This is a time for two people sworn to one another to fully engage as equals, and make sure both partners are comfortable with each step.

Thank you for this. It's something I've struggled with myself. Since both my husband and I have PD mothers, we have had a "you deal with your parents, I'll deal with mine" arrangement for a long time. It works OK with my mother, since she usually opts for the silent treatment in response to boundaries. Less so with PDmil, who is a determined to trample any boundary in her path. If she can't get something she wants from my husband, she will try to get it through me.

It's only a recent realization that it would make things a lot easier for him if I were the one standing up and saying NO sometimes instead of leaving it to him all the time. And if she's anything at all like my mother, she'll have a lot less gumption when dealing with someone she isn't related to by blood.   

[xredshoesx]

50-22.

that's how many years NC with my biological mother and her parents, save one ambush at my half brother's place (who i have been NC with since i was about 30 because his wife knew he was my half brother since she was a teen and never told me).

100% to EVERYTHING starboard song has shared.  i found other strong adult role models to help me reparent myself.  i got some help from therapy and of course learned so much about me by participating here.  the peace was hard fought but SO WORTH IT.

[all4peace]

Starboard, I have always valued that NC wasn't your only choice or first choice, and that you still hold onto value for relationships--even difficult ones--with others. I appreciate what you've gleaned from this painful part of your life, and I appreciate how much goodness you still hold onto. Thank you for sharing your journey!

[Sidney37]

Starboard
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so many years after the NC.  I truly appreciate that you are still here guiding us to hopefully find the same peace and calm to what isn't a peaceful situation for any of us. 

I especially appreciate your thoughts on the married people as co-equals section of your post.  I especially needed to think about that this week when we are dealing with my PDm who can't reach me so she is trying to guilt trip my husband.  It's taken a long time for him to understand why I react to my parents the way I do and why he reacts to his the way he does.  Now we are much closer to being on the same team, but it takes work.  And like you said, the children of the PDs seem more likely to say goodbye quickly.  My husband who was totally new to this was stunned and saddened that I was ready to walk away so quickly.  He gets it now. 

I also appreciate your views that you have shared that NC is a last resort and not to always assume that someone asking questions is actually a flying monkey.  Both of those have been helpful to me.  Thank you!