The complete lack of understanding

[escapingman]

The more I am getting Out of the FOG and understand all this BPD/NPD stuff I am starting to understand. BUT, I still struggle with the complete lack of understanding of their behaviour. I have put up with all sh*t all years, but since my uNPDw started to backchat me and turn the kids against me I hqad enough. I have left twice because she and the golden child have been laughing at me together and made fun of me. GC then started to try to bully me so she would be in the good books of her mum. After I came home (was to lonely and had no plan), I made it clear to her that if she doesn't stop the back chatting and turning the kids against me I will leave and for good. We then hit rock bottom again a couple of weeks ago after her yet again had a rage about something minor. She came and begged me to stay together an all we have and we can't just throw away our family, using some examples of someone that died and so on. Took her one week and she had another outburst, that time against GC who I had to comfort for hours afterwards - just for uNPDw to turn GC against me again. I left the day after and I consider it over. But what does she do? Yes of course, she ups the nastiness and in the family what's up group starts asking the children how they are, obviously pointing a finger at me for not being home or contacting HER (not the kids), GC replies she is good and praises her wonderful mum and her mum praises her. It's sickening how she manipulates GC about how awful I am.

But the point, how can they be so completely unintelligent in these situations? I have made it clear we are finished if she turns the kids against me, she begs and pleads with me to stay and then she turn the kids against me again. 

[Justanotherlostgirl]

My Stbx also has no idea the type of havoc he causes/doesn't care.

Today I took my child to a psychiatrist ( the child is 4 for the record) because he is having a stress reaction to my stbx entering and exiting his life like it's no big deal! Our poor child.

When I informed him he was like "I don't see why child would need therapy!" Lol because of all the sh*t you do? Maybe? I've told him countless times that unstable parenting is bad for a child and can leading to them acting out. Stbx has no consideration and just continues to do the exact same behaviors, regardless of who it hurts.

Your situation is very difficult and frustrating. You should really consider leaving, your SO has walked all over your boundaries. And we all know that with PDs, an apology isn't about being genuinely sorry - it's what they think is necessary to keep continuing those behaviors. Once you separate, your children may start to see you in a much different way. Whether you separate or not, your SO will likely continue these behaviors, so if you're unhappy, you should leave.

Truly sorry for your situation, that must be so awful.

[losingmyself]

I wonder if you can get your children into therapy, where they can say how they're feeling without the fear of hurting someone's feelings. I know that if you file for divorce, you can insist that they have therapy. I don't believe that your GC actually feels the way they are portraying toward you, and she's probably pretty torn about the things she says to you, but you're the 'safe' parent, and the consequences of going against her M are far worse than going along with her.
I hope that you can continue to be stable and a safe place for her-them to turn.
I'm sorry you're gong through this, it must hurt so very much, but maybe you can relay to her that you don't believe the things she says about you, and you think she's being pushed to act that way. And no matter what, in the entire world, ever ever ever, you're her dad and you'll always love her.
Good luck to you
I do think they completely understand, but don't know how to handle it.

[Boat Babe]

She. Will. Not. Change.

[Lauren17]

I've spent many hours struggling to understand of stbxh was aware of his behaviors and their impacts on his family. My T even asked me once if I thought he had any idea.
I found my answer when I told him I was filing for divorce.
He stopped all the behaviors immediately. He stopped doing things I've said hurt me. And he stopped doing things I've never mentioned.
Prior to the "D" word, the kids were targets of his mocking, sulking, and silent treatment.
It's been long enough now and he's starting to see that I'm serious about leaving. So he's subtly adjusting. He's starting to target me with some of the old tricks, but he's still hoovering the kids. (Might not be the right term)
These behaviors are tools and he uses them knowingly to try and exert control.
EM, in your first post you said you returned because you were lonely and had no plan. I encourage you to create a plan. Add defining a support network as part of the plan. Having all that in place ahead of time has helped me.

[Boat Babe]

 

Once we realize that they can, and do,  have total control over their control of us, then we see them for who they are.

A truly mentally ill person has no control over their behaviour. PDs do.  It's certainly a disorder, but not in the same way that, say, schizophrenia is.