Back again.

[Pickles66]

Hello again.

I am so pleased that this forum is still here, providing such great support. I was here a few years ago, whilst going no contact with my difficult family. That was a healthy decision, and one that I do not regret.

I am almost shocked to find myself back again, questioning my other relationships.

I am very sure that I suffer from CPTSD, so have always blamed myself for every difficulty in my life. However, since being widowed about two years ago, I have healed so much. Not cured, necessarily, but coping so well, and actually enjoying life for the first time ever.

This has led me to look at my thirty year marriage to the man I originally thought was my saviour. Definitely a result of my abusive childhood that led me to look for this type of marriage.

Many things have led me to look closely at my marriage, to a man who always said that he believed that everyone should do exactly what they please, and if other people don't like it, that's their problem. He constantly told me that he does not do conflict, so nothing was discussed or resolved, and he was always angry, despite saying he was the most chilled person he knew. There was so much that I just never questioned, because I was the problem. I just got emotional, which convinced me and everyone else that I was the problem.

When h started to feel unwell, he did not go to a doctor, but decided a divorce would be the answer. Actually, he had an aggressive brain tumour, found on a routine sight test, and died seven months later.

I am a qualified nurse, with a psychology degree, and a lot of experience with neurosurgery and neurology, and his presentation was, I think, far from typical.  I felt that everything I witnessed, was the true him, that he had kept hidden to a degree, including from himself. Hatred, anger, jealousy, arrogance, to name but a few.

I cared for him as best I could, in very difficult circumstances. Our family fell apart, and now none of our three adult children speak to each other, and only one son speaks to me. We are probably the ones doing the best.

I have found reading here to be very helpful already, and hoping that I can continue to heal, and maybe even offer something to others.

Thank you for listening. It means a lot.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Pickles66,

Welcome back to Out of the FOG and as you already know, you are among comrades here and not alone in your experiences.  There are a few here who have recently lost spouses and although the mate may have been a difficult personality in relationship, loss is always very difficult.  I am very sorry for your loss and sorry also that your adult children have lost a parent and also having relationship difficulties as well.  I will lift up you and your family in thought and prayer for comfort and healing. 

You have a unique perspective as a nurse with a psychology degree.  Thank you for your service as a nurse.  These are some trying times and your front-line duties are greatly respected.  I hope also that you can begin, like others here who have recently lost their difficult personality mate, to see the start of some healing in certain areas of yourself and in your cptsd. 

Looking forward to reading your contributions here on the Out of the FOG boards,

SoT

[bloomie]

Pickles66 - hi there and welcome back. I am thankful you reached out to the board for help and support.

Wow, it sounds like things have been seriously hard for a long time! I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and the complex and confusing circumstances of his illness and passing. I can only imagine how easy it would be for a family system to fracture under that kind of pressure. It has to be especially deep grief to see your adult kids struggling and separating themselves from the source of strength and comfort you could bring to each other.

Getting support and moving forward with your own health and healing as a goal is something that I have found goes a long way in influencing the atmosphere around me in a way that offers those close to me an opportunity to join me in that worthy endeavor without me really even saying a whole lot.

You are doing what you need to do to recover and understand a long marriage where it seems like a lot of your DH's true feelings and inner difficulties were submerged just under the surface. And  you experienced those submerged things in your inner person. That alone is a lot to work through.

I hope your time back here is of good help and support to you. I look forward to seeing you out there on the boards!

[Pickles66]

Thank you both so much for your welcome. I could sense straight away, from both of you, that you understand all of the complexity of these difficult family situations.

I am definitely concentrating on self care and healing, and making sense of everything that has happened in the past two or so years. I have come such a long way and am in a better place than I have ever been before.

I truly believe that my poor husband was dealing with many issues, that he simply couldn't face up to. He is at peace now, and I must continue to grow.

Thank you again.