hello

[scleractinia]

Hi, folks. I've done a lot of processing already, but... well, Christmas is coming, and I think I'm going to need somewhere constructive to talk about it. I'm in my thirties, in a committed closed triad for five years, and life is normally pretty good, but I grew up with a mom I suspect was either narcissistic or had heavy fleas, and a dad who enabled her. They've mellowed in recent years and I live far away, but that fear and stress is always in the back of my mind; I had yet another nightmare last night about Mom teasing me incessantly about something, despite my upset insistence that it wasn't funny and I wanted her to stop, until I got fed up and left for my own house. My subconscious isn't very subtle. One of my partners is also dealing with a parent I suspect is PD, and it's difficult and triggering to be around that parent, especially around the holidays; my partner isn't ready to cut ties, and sticking to "no contact" with my partner's parent is tricky when holidays symbolize all the dreams about 'happy families'. So... that's me; hi there.

[bloomie]

scleractinia - welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing a big of background with us.

That underlying hyper vigilance you describe is very familiar to me, including the dreams bringing things to the surface. How important to pay attention to those signals and find some good support as you work through the stress and fear you are still living with that may not be serving you well. Coming to a place of confidence in my own safety, agency, and empowerment has been one of the most important works of my own life.

A great help to me was to learn about trauma responses, emotional flashbacks, and triggers and I highly recommend the work of Pete Walker (will link below to his free articles)  and doing what you are doing... finding good support and validation in a group of people that understand like you have found here.

http://pete-walker.com

Take a look at the resources at the drop down menus above and throughout the forum boards and when you are ready, join the conversations!

[scleractinia]

Thank you, Bloomie!

Gosh, the most frustrating thing about hypervigilance is, no matter how much I work through, there always seems to be more baggage to unpack. I guess that makes sense - there's a lot of years and experiences there! - but I wish there were a point where it was just done, if that makes sense. I'm much, much better than I was as a young adult; college in particular was very difficult, mental-health-wise, and I learned a lot of coping skills then - but the fear and stress are never completely gone.

I'll look into Walker's work; that sounds useful!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi there, and welcome. It's good you are paying attention to your feelings and how anticipating the holidays and contact with difficult people is already affecting you. Those feelings are there for a reason. One of the first things I learned here was the 51% rule... you get to make your own needs and well-being just a little bit more important than those of other people. You are in the right place.

I heartily second Bloomie's recommendation of Pete Walker's work.

Is no contact with this person's parent an established boundary you have for yourself?

And I hear you about just wanting to be done with the trauma stuff... There really is no fast-forward button, and it is always there to some degree like an old injury that aches when the weather changes. But it does get much better! Sounds like you've learned some stuff already and your life is better now than in the past because you have learned and grown as a person. Excelsior!

[scleractinia]

Thank you, Cordelia!

That 51% rule is a good idea but hard to follow after a childhood of being "less important." I need to work on it more; that's a good way to phrase the idea.

Yes, no contact is an established rule I have for dealing with this person (let's say MIL1), at least for the time being. If there were some wild extenuating circumstance, more important than Christmas, I'd deal with MIL1, but otherwise... she's said some truly nasty things to and about me, and she and FIL1 pick apart everything I say for perceived slights and flaws. It's less stressful for everyone if we're not in the same room; MIL1's behavior is never good, but it escalates if she sees me. Not to mention, less stressful for me, which is hard to prioritize but I've had nightmares and anxiety as early as August in the last few years, anticipating Christmas. Not good!

(A big part is that MIL1 is pretty homophobic, and my very existence reminds her that my partners aren't heterosexual; they're both bi and poly, but were "straight passing" before they started dating me. I'm a trans man, and she's... very gross about it.)