What do you do when you feel like you're drowning?

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello, it's been awhile since I've post and so many things have happened since...

I'm not really sure where to start?
I feel really overwhelmed and have been dealing with some toxic behaviours/people in my life...
Just a brief of what happened:

• I separated with my partner recently and will have no contact until he gets cleaned in rehab.
• His step-mother is mad at me for calling the cops and for the cops coming into their home to arrest him...
• His dad(who's an alcoholic...) is mad at me for the whole situation as well, as he cannot see my son without a background check as he is hosting my ex at his home.
• His sister currently has temporary custody for X amount of days then they will release him back to me, but she said I am "technically" also at fault, and it's a two way treat despite my ex kicking down my doors drunk. She ALWAYS excuses his drunk behaviour...She "sympathizes" with me but not really...Both her and her husband judge my parenting--but my family support rep(someone who teaches new parents how to parent their children, provides resources, and visits weekly says otherwise and to keep doing what I'm doing and always gives me tips)
• My boss has been treating me harshly ever since I started this job(and it's not just me she treats like this, it's every newcoming person, there's a rumour that everyone quits after she "trains" them---which ends up being several scoldings for things we did not know we did wrong because we were not taught...And her not wanting to teach us as she is too busy taking personal phone calls on the job...)
• My second oldest brother blamed me for being with my ex for so long say I'm "too soft" and calling my ex some choice words, despite him being in quite some interesting situations with other women himself---but he excuses them all the time. Also...Both him and my younger brother tend to make very sexist remarks about "how women work"---I'm the only female sibling, and this is very frustrating and annoying hearing them say some of these things. It's also a very cultural thing, it is what we call machismo from my mother's country...
• My PDparents are...difficult...I'm trying to have a relationship again for my son but..they're being difficult and don't want to visit, and my PDmother has said that the only important people in her life are my brothers and I---her kids...She said that she doesn't "know" my son(who's a toddler) so she can't say anything about him. That really hurts. She always says inconsiderate things like that and always asking for one of us siblings to do something for her...It's one sided. My dad hardly asks about my son and didn't seem interested whenever we talked---it's always religion or politic related discussions...that's all he likes to talk about.

Pretty much the only people I really enjoy talking to his my eldest brother---except he lives with my PDmother, so when she's around, he signals me if he can or cannot talk about certain things...And I like my family support rep, she's been really supportive and amazing. If we met outside of work(?) related reasons, I bet we'd get along great, but I'm keeping it professional.

Also despite everything that's happened between my ex and I...I don't hate him. It's hard to speak upon this as people's usual responses is to A) Blame me for being an idiot and staying for too long B) Say he has no redemption and vilify him or C) Say I'm the one who provoked his drunken outrage and it's all my fault. All I hope for my ex is to get cleaned up in rehab so he can live a normal life and not live through his abusive biological parents shadows, as they were abusive towards each other and towards their children[ex and his sister]. Hoping he can break the cycle so he'll be able to be a part of our son's life and role model what a father should be...

He wanted to apologize to me in person today (while he was sober) and has been talking through his sister...She told him not to, and I'm glad he didn't because I've been having quite an emotional day all day today and cried when I can't have my son at home for X amount of days until things get cleared up.

So yeah...that was my day today and my thoughts. I'm rambling quite a bit. I've considered cutting contact (temporarily perhaps) with ex's family and my own for the way they responded to me trying to be safe and calling the cops while locking the doors in my room/bathroom. It got broken into by drunken ex...I called cops again and he fled. I gave him a chance to leave the house while drunk before he kept escalating the issue.

He recently sent a text apologizing for everything since he wasn't able to in person,and said he quit drinking...He also said he's not mad and I was right for calling the cops and sending him to jail and just wants his family back. I put in a rehab referral with CPS for him to get better. For now, I'm starting from ground zero. We will strictly be "friends" [if even that...] until I can trust again. It's hard when you love someone so much yet they keep hurting themselves, people around you, and well, you...My brothers(2nd oldest & youngest) don't understand that. They said they've never been in love...And talk about women as objects to gain affection...They also only care about partying and living that bachelor life, and used to get upset when I refused to go to bars to hangout or can't spontaneously hangout when I have a child to care for. They don't know how difficult and exhausting it can be. We've settled on just eating out at REGULAR restaurants(no alcohol) and going to parks, but no crazy parties. I'm not a fan of those(that's what me and my eldest brother have in common---we're the more reserved siblings).

I'll only cut contact with all of ex's family(sister included...) and my own family(minus my eldest brother) for a temporary time once I get my son back and have my life back. My family support rep has been vouching for me and said I did the right thing by calling the cops to protect son and myself.

Anyways...I guess the only silver linings(?) ---if you can call it that--is that this will only be for a few days, I helped find someone's phone and they were extremely grateful, and lastly someone saw me crying on my way to court and help up a sign saying "Smile, you're amazing" or something of that sort and it made me crack a smile from my dreadful day..

Questions:

1) What do you do when you feel like you're drowning in life?---Where you feel really overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed?

2) Do you have experience with NC/LC/VLC? Is there a resource I can read upon that? I'm weighing my options and these are serious decisions to make and I've been flip-flopping hoping I'm not making a mistake by NCing for my son's sake.

3) Have you ever forgave a PD or someone who has hurt you so deeply? Are they able to be redeemed or is it impossible? Is it bad to empathized/sympathized with them?

4) What's been going on in your life lately?

I'm currently trying to set some goals to distract myself from the issues at hand and take one step at a time...My phone has been blowing up all day and I feel tired...

[Lauren17]

It sounds like you're in a really tough place right now. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Here's something I've been doing to help with days like this.
Sit down and write out everything that's swirling through your head. Don't worry if it makes sense, just get it all out. You could even use this post.
Take a break from the list. Maybe get a snack or watch some funny cat videos.
Go back to the the list and sort everything into two categories. What I can control and What I cannot control. Then start listing out some specific actions for things you can control.
There are lots of internet references for this if you need help to get started.
An example from your post.
Your brother's harsh words go into the cannot control list. Right next to that in the can control list is: the information you share with him. How often you talk to him. Whether you accept his words as truth.
Stay strong. Lean on those you can trust.
You can do this!

[Andeza]

Good heavens you've had a rough time. Good for you! Good for you that you called the cops on him! You protected yourself and your son. Well done. And yet, even so, it's probably one of the hardest things you've ever had to do.

Honey right now you need to take care of yourself. You may very well be dealing with PTSD after all that crap happening, and trust me, it jumps up when you least expect it to and when your least required to handle it.

1. When I'm overwhelmed I go somewhere to be alone and take all the crap in my head and kick it out. I cry if I need to, scream into a pillow if it helps, and then when I feel a little better I go watch something funny or do something I enjoy.

2. Yes. I'm NC with my mom, and we're now NC with dhs parents. Lots of great resources for that right here on the forum. We've got a whole sub forum.

3. I've forgiven all of them... But that doesn't mean I'm running back to the abuse. I can forgive, but they won't change.

4. It's been a busy year... Moved states, had a baby, went NC with the in-laws, dh got a new job, living full time in an RV on a rental spot next to my dad... And today, washed and cleaned everything because our new kitten came with small, jumping hitchhikers. I understand being overwhelmed, lol.

[Boat Babe]

We hear you BC, we hear you. In answer to your questions, I can only offer the following:

1. If we had PD parents, chances are we grew up relying on no-one but ourselves. This habit continues into adult life, making it difficult to reach out or ask for help, especially when we need it most. Right now you need all the support you can get; emotionally and practically. You feel overwhelmed because anyone would in your situation, so go easy on yourself right now and don't damn yourself for feeling this. Please get all the support you can whilst fitting as much self care into your very busy life. It's tricky as a single parent but absolutely necessary.

2. This is a decision that you don't need to make right now perhaps? You understandably are waiting to see if your partner is able to heal his addiction. If he does, he will be in recovery and fragile for some time. You need to respond to the situation as it improves or deteriorates, taking into consideration your gut feelings and what is best for your child in the long term. A truly difficult process.

3. Forgiveness is a funny one imo and very culturally based. I think it is imperative for our own well being to let go of all toxic attachments, including hatred, resentment and victimhood. I haven't fully done this and it is the cause of some of my ongoing inner pain and turmoil. I work on this, a lot. If any of the people who have hurt me in the past were to make a sincere apology, with some attempts at reparation, then I would forgive them in a heartbeat. But that would actually be for them at the end of the day, although I am sure it would do me good too. One malevolent PD in my life will never do this and I now couldn't care less what he does. My mother has made some feeble but sincere attempts at apology and I am blown away by her personal growth. (I think she's uBPD but it could be C-CPTSD - she can be a nightmare at times) Anyway, you owe NOTHING to people who have hurt you and EVERYTHING to yourself and your child. Maybe think of forgiveness as letting go of that which does not serve you well.

4. Currently I work for a Domestic Abuse charity, working with Children who have witnessed horrors. It's an absolute privilege to do this and I am being as professional as possible in order to do the job to the best of my ability. This forum has contributed enormously to my personal and professional development in this field.

Sending huge hugs BC and just hang on for a bit. Things will slowly start to improve for you as you grow your boundaries. ❤️❤️❤️

[Poison Ivy]

1) What do you do when you feel like you're drowning in life?---Where you feel really overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed? Spending time outside, especially when I'm engaged in physical activity (e.g., walking, raking, biking), seems to help.

2) Do you have experience with NC/LC/VLC? Is there a resource I can read upon that? I'm weighing my options and these are serious decisions to make and I've been flip-flopping hoping I'm not making a mistake by NCing for my son's sake. I was forced against my will into low contact with my husband (now my ex). By this, I mean that he ghosted me. I would have liked to have had more contact, but he so often responded to my communications with radio silence that I started to reduce my contact to protect myself. We have adult children, so we still have some contact with each other, but not much.

3) Have you ever forgave a PD or someone who has hurt you so deeply? Are they able to be redeemed or is it impossible? Is it bad to empathized/sympathized with them? I haven't forgiven my ex or his dad,both of them PDs, but I do have some sympathy for them.

4) What's been going on in your life lately? I've been more depressed than usual. Still keeping busy, as always, but my typically low mood has been going lower.

[BefuddledClarity]

It sounds like you're in a really tough place right now. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Here's something I've been doing to help with days like this.
Sit down and write out everything that's swirling through your head. Don't worry if it makes sense, just get it all out. You could even use this post.
Take a break from the list. Maybe get a snack or watch some funny cat videos.
Go back to the the list and sort everything into two categories. What I can control and What I cannot control. Then start listing out some specific actions for things you can control.
There are lots of internet references for this if you need help to get started.
An example from your post.
Your brother's harsh words go into the cannot control list. Right next to that in the can control list is: the information you share with him. How often you talk to him. Whether you accept his words as truth.
Stay strong. Lean on those you can trust.
You can do this!

That sounds like a good idea.

I can't control how people react or feel about me.

I can control how I react or feel about others.

I can't control that my son is going to be gone for a while.

I can control what I do to get him back and I can control when I visit him.

I can't control how management treats me...but I can control the fact that I can quit and find something better in the near future.

I've been distracting myself lately with cleaning the house, watching movies/shows, and (sadly) made some poor choices of eating out too much, but I changed that today by cooking instead and feel better about it. Going to try and work on hobbies, self-care and maybe...maybe start the business I've been wanting to do just not sure if it's a good time yet.

Good heavens you've had a rough time. Good for you! Good for you that you called the cops on him! You protected yourself and your son. Well done. And yet, even so, it's probably one of the hardest things you've ever had to do.

Honey right now you need to take care of yourself. You may very well be dealing with PTSD after all that crap happening, and trust me, it jumps up when you least expect it to and when your least required to handle it.

1. When I'm overwhelmed I go somewhere to be alone and take all the crap in my head and kick it out. I cry if I need to, scream into a pillow if it helps, and then when I feel a little better I go watch something funny or do something I enjoy.

2. Yes. I'm NC with my mom, and we're now NC with dhs parents. Lots of great resources for that right here on the forum. We've got a whole sub forum.

3. I've forgiven all of them... But that doesn't mean I'm running back to the abuse. I can forgive, but they won't change.

4. It's been a busy year... Moved states, had a baby, went NC with the in-laws, dh got a new job, living full time in an RV on a rental spot next to my dad... And today, washed and cleaned everything because our new kitten came with small, jumping hitchhikers. I understand being overwhelmed, lol.

Yeah, its felt brutal these past few days and I'm getting increasing frustrated with the situation but hanging in there.

I've actually been crying a lot lately and it feels kinda...good? I almost never used to cry and bottled my feelings up all the time but now that I'm alone I've been crying a lot...

I'll have to check out the NC/LC content. Its been a while. I was NC with my PDparents for a long time and slowly transitioned to LC. They don't know ANYTHING about my situation right now. They'll give gifts occasionally to me or my son but it feels kinda...weird? Like, they'll send stuff but haven't made an effort to really get to know my son and...idk, we have a rather strange relationship. They were abusive in my formative years and told me I wouldn't amount to anything and hit me etc, now they're "nicer"(if I can even call it that...) after everything and never apologized for anything. I'm just supposed to "deal with it". My PDmom's apologies always start with a " I'm sorry you feel that way but I don't remember that happening."

Sounds like things are going well for you and quite busy/productive, that's good!

We hear you BC, we hear you. In answer to your questions, I can only offer the following:

1. If we had PD parents, chances are we grew up relying on no-one but ourselves. This habit continues into adult life, making it difficult to reach out or ask for help, especially when we need it most. Right now you need all the support you can get; emotionally and practically. You feel overwhelmed because anyone would in your situation, so go easy on yourself right now and don't damn yourself for feeling this. Please get all the support you can whilst fitting as much self care into your very busy life. It's tricky as a single parent but absolutely necessary.

2. This is a decision that you don't need to make right now perhaps? You understandably are waiting to see if your partner is able to heal his addiction. If he does, he will be in recovery and fragile for some time. You need to respond to the situation as it improves or deteriorates, taking into consideration your gut feelings and what is best for your child in the long term. A truly difficult process.

3. Forgiveness is a funny one imo and very culturally based. I think it is imperative for our own well being to let go of all toxic attachments, including hatred, resentment and victimhood. I haven't fully done this and it is the cause of some of my ongoing inner pain and turmoil. I work on this, a lot. If any of the people who have hurt me in the past were to make a sincere apology, with some attempts at reparation, then I would forgive them in a heartbeat. But that would actually be for them at the end of the day, although I am sure it would do me good too. One malevolent PD in my life will never do this and I now couldn't care less what he does. My mother has made some feeble but sincere attempts at apology and I am blown away by her personal growth. (I think she's uBPD but it could be C-CPTSD - she can be a nightmare at times) Anyway, you owe NOTHING to people who have hurt you and EVERYTHING to yourself and your child. Maybe think of forgiveness as letting go of that which does not serve you well.

4. Currently I work for a Domestic Abuse charity, working with Children who have witnessed horrors. It's an absolute privilege to do this and I am being as professional as possible in order to do the job to the best of my ability. This forum has contributed enormously to my personal and professional development in this field.

Sending huge hugs BC and just hang on for a bit. Things will slowly start to improve for you as you grow your boundaries. ❤️❤️❤️

I'm in quite a...predicament right now. I've been talking to former(?) partner recently(legally, I can, and I was even the one who released him from jail to have him sent to rehab) And...after we hung out for only the weekend and had an extraordinarily loooong talk about the situation, we've agreed to stay away from each other for the X amount of days (and maybe see each other on the weekends, we haven't told anyone we hung out) just so we can get our son back and only see each other on a business note if it happens to fall on a weekday(ex. Him changing out the tire to my car). CPS technically doesn't care if we do or don't talk, but we feel it may be best if we just limit our contact for now to have a better chance for us to get our son back...We'll both have to take parenting classes after and he'll have to go to rehab or alcohol anon or something after---whatever they order us to do.

He's been sober this whole time, so he's very normal to talk to. It feels like old times, and he's pretty much the only one supporting me right now. He still wants to help me with everything and anything he can. I ran out of food recently, just been sick from work so low money, he's dropping off food tomorrow for me while I visit our son at his sis' place. I also need a new car tire and running on a spare, he offered to pay for the tire once his paycheck comes in and he came and helped me change the tire in the first place. He's been checking to see how I've been and told me to hang in there. He's been the most supportive person out of this whole situation despite being the cause of it. He's been truly remorsely and sorry that he f*cked up so badly that we BOTH lost our son(temporarily).

Him and his sister (the one who's caring for our son temporarily) got into a fight recently, where he asked that her husband to NOT smoke around our child, and she got mad at him for the way he requested it and banned him from seeing our son that day...Then he told her that he's hurt, and how would she feel if her daughter was taken away..She said "I'd never even allow that to happen in the first place" she told me she said this to him and that felt a bit offensive to me and insensitive.(He told me his side too)

I don't like that they don't give my son a bed time. I don't like how they punish my son by pinning him down and letting him cry. I stopped them from doing that while I was there and everyone got awkward and silent and her husband said "Well,  I guess he's your son, we just want to give you a break".

My son's a cute little cuddle monster and likes to cling to me and cuddle in my lap. He's always been like that been even more since I see him less...So it felt like they punished him after separating him from me so I could eat. I grabbed him back after seeing how they were punishing him and let him cling. It's not spoiling since eye hasn't seen me in a long time...

Its making me furious with their " method" or style, but I don't have anyone else to watch my son..he'll end up in the system otherwise. She also doesn't have the "perfect' family she claims, her husband broke her laptop and their daughter's highchair out of rage before....And technically, she lived with her past abuser, her biological PDmom who was an alcoholic but got sober---so she's one to talk when she says her brother (my former  partner) is a monster, abuser, someone she would've avoided if she were in my situation despite her not avoiding her PDmom who tried stabbing her in the past(when she was intoxicated).

They are trying though..I guess..They asked me about bedtime, and how we discipline our kid etc, and I explained time-outs and X:XXpm is when he goes to bed, X:XXpm is when he bathes etc....they said they're still having trouble trying to get him to sleep or calming him down.

I'm just ug...Its only a couple of days but I'm angry with how they treated my son and to an extent how they treat my former partner and lied and said how he doesn't want to see our son, even though we've been in contact... His dad wasaking up stories that former partner has been hanging out with his friends all day and smoking weed...but he was with me during that time during the weekend running errands and talking. He wanted a break from his dad's house. His dad told his sister this and his sister then assumed he didn't want to see our son because he was "too busy smoking weed and staying out late with friends" and how I should just put an order of protection against him already--when he wasn't even with his friends doing that....he was with me...we don't tell people we hung out this weekend because it could cause issues. We're going to go ahead and not even see each other during the weekday at all and only communicate about our son or bills for now on the phone.

I appreciate your insight as always BoatBabe, and its cool you have experience with working on the domestic abuse field!

1) What do you do when you feel like you're drowning in life?---Where you feel really overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed? Spending time outside, especially when I'm engaged in physical activity (e.g., walking, raking, biking), seems to help.

2) Do you have experience with NC/LC/VLC? Is there a resource I can read upon that? I'm weighing my options and these are serious decisions to make and I've been flip-flopping hoping I'm not making a mistake by NCing for my son's sake. I was forced against my will into low contact with my husband (now my ex). By this, I mean that he ghosted me. I would have liked to have had more contact, but he so often responded to my communications with radio silence that I started to reduce my contact to protect myself. We have adult children, so we still have some contact with each other, but not much.

3) Have you ever forgave a PD or someone who has hurt you so deeply? Are they able to be redeemed or is it impossible? Is it bad to empathized/sympathized with them? I haven't forgiven my ex or his dad,both of them PDs, but I do have some sympathy for them.

4) What's been going on in your life lately? I've been more depressed than usual. Still keeping busy, as always, but my typically low mood has been going lower.

That sounds like a good idea! Going outside more..I feel really good going for walks. When I used to work out, I'd either lift weights or run to burn any intense emotion I was feeling at the time...

I..honestly feel similar to.the forgiveness of Pd..I feel bad for my PDparents but idk if I can say I ever forgave them? They never used to give me hugs or say "I love you" but once I left the house, my mom has been love bombing me, despite and the verbal and physical abusce I used to endure. My former (???) partner though... I...I actually forgave him. I'm just still a bit wary, just in case. He's perfectly normal sober, but he has put me through some stuff, including this current situation. I still care and hope he grows, but we've both decided to give each other space.

I'm sorry to hear about the depression, it's definitely not easy to deal with...I feel pretty low myself and have been trying to ignore my emotions but its getting hard.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow, that is alot of intense stuff going on.  I am not sure I would hold up well at all.

But I do have bouts when I feel overwhelmed where I make it through.

Somethings That help are:

Taking back some bits of my life.  Cleaning and vacuuming a car out. Cleaning and organizing small sections of the house.  Fixing things. Taking time to make needed phone calls or going through paperwork and dojng what needs done with it.

I try to listen to music or podcasts to feel and think something besides the problems to rest my mind.

Taking a few mins to read scripture and pray to feed my soul.

Taking a small drive to take time to feel and cry as needed.  Taking a hot bath after stretching out.

Making list if things that need done.  Then making a worksheet for each, like listing what I need to do lime collecting phone numbers and copies of documents etc.  Or making a list of what needs gathered together to get it done.  Breaking the jobs I to manageable segments.

I try to double up, like ironing clothes or folding laundry while listening to something.

These little successes make me feel better a iht myself even if everything is coming unglued.  I then put the ragainsed strength toward the issues.

Also, forgiving does not have to mean getting back together or becoming vulnerable.

It's perfectly ti NC anyone, Anyone if it's what is best for your kids.

It's okay to NC anyone if it is what is needed for you to survive and be a better stronger you while doing what is best for your kids.

You don't have to be obligated to become vulnerable ti abuse just because someone is making progress with their own problems.  They are not entitled to you or your life if it's not what you want.

You also can keep things at a proper distance if that is what is healthy.

Don't feel obligated that he is taking care of some things, you should not have to do it alone.