What to do with hoover?

[Timetogo]

I have told my unNPD husband I'm filling for divorce. He's in denial. Asks for "more time." Suddenly had an appointment with a psychiatrist that he has needed for years.
We live together because finances won't support two households. He's on disability and has not contributed to household support.

He is now being "nice" with sneaky passive aggression.
I'm being MC have asked for space.

Today he made me dinner after I told him I'm all set, will warm up leftovers.

I know this is a hoover. He wants appreciation or a debate...any supply is good supply.

How do I handle this?

I'm working on my divorce paperwork now, have retained a lawyer. Divorce is happening.  I'm not waiting for him to accept reality.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I'm living with my uSTBXBPH too - divorce SLOWLY in the works.

I struggle at times, really struggle.  But GC and MC work their magic.  When I can let go and be a boring grey rock, he looses interest and stops trying to engage. 

And, he knows I mean business when I GC.  Much more than my words.  Crazy, right?  When I talk to him, I might as well be talking to (I was going to say my cat, but really, my cat gets me, she knows when I'm happy and sad and she listens) ....so maybe like talking to the wall.  It's like his brain can't register any one else's words or emotions.  But, his brain understand GC.  After months, I think he is craving some drama so he's now interested in getting the divorce done and selling the house. 

So, use the tool box.  GC and MC like a pro!!!!!

[Lauren17]

Hi TimetoGo

The Hoover is hard!  I found it worse than the discard or the revenge.

My stbx  uNPDh did the very same thing. He begged me to take him to a counselor. He tried to manipulate for more time. He love bombed to an extent I'd never seen before.

To help with the MC, I suggest thinking up two or three neutral phrases and use them over and over.
Maybe: thank you for the offer, I'm all set. (Like you did with dinner)
I understand you're upset, my decision is final.

Good luck to you.

[Starboard Song]

Today he made me dinner after I told him I'm all set, will warm up leftovers.

I know this is a hoover. He wants appreciation or a debate...any supply is good supply.

How do I handle this?

The point of such a hoover is not to, for instance, get you to eat his meal. As you say, it is to enmesh you again, either in debate or obligation or whatever. To me, the only important thing is to give neither of those. But if the food is good, enjoy your meal. And if he seeks a compliment, you can always say "thanks: that was tasty." Just keep your wits about you and don't get trapped back into debate or obligation.

I gotta admit, we were given a cash gift just before our crisis, and I couldn't bear the thought of using it. So we spent every last whole dollar of it on a piece of jewelry that said Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys. Frankly, we soon decided that wearing such jewelry was to wear our hostility, so we threw that into the garbage.

I guess my point is, there is no wrong path except one: it isn't about the meal, or gift, or whatever. It is about the enmeshment they seek. Just don't give them that and you'll be OK. Take the easiest most pleasant path that maintains your peace, and peace be with you!

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

IMO the only way to handle a Hoover is to identify it exactly as it is and continue to apply MC and GR.

Whatever he does just play along. Eat the food quietly, and continue on with your day. Don't say it's good or bad, don't thank him, don't give him any reason to believe that this is going to work...

Not because you want to show him any mercy, but because you now are Out of the FOG and you recognize that this is a part of his cycle and you are no longer involving yourself in it or playing his games. You spent a long time not being on his level, and now you have the advantage of knowing exactly what he is doing.

Internally, it is a huge struggle. It's painful and it hurts because you recognize what he is doing and you know now that it was never about him loving you, it was all about him securing the trauma bond that you have so he can once again, tear you down for his own ego. It hurts to know the person you loved and trusted so deeply, and the person who should have honored, loved and cherished you, did not. Talk about it, get some therapy. For a lot of people (myself included), I think the first thing we do is retreat into ourselves so we don't bother other people, but it's better to let it out. It keeps me more stable for the time being.

[Timetogo]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.
I continue to MC but he's crossing my boundaries all over the place.The cycle of idealization, devalue, discard rotates multiple times a day.
He stalks me at home. The minute I'm in the house he's in my space. If I go to the bathroom or the bedroom he talks through the door.
My lawyer says it's harassment and enough to get a protective order.
Lawyers in my state are very careful about this advice due to possible abuse of the punitive protective order (ie lying to get someone out of the home). So for her to green light it means the abuse is bad.

If I get an order he'll essentially be homeless.
He's sabotaged one of our vehicles and isn't getting it fixed so he can flip the script that I'm abusing him because he has nowhere to go and no car. He has disability income. Hasn't paid a bill in 5 years. All his money was his and he still wanted more from me every month. A smart person would have saved thousands of dollars. Maybe he has?

This is going to get ugly.
But.
I've survived narc parents.
I've put up with his abuse this long.
I'm strong and will do what I have to do to stay safe.
It's just all so unfair and exhausting.

[escapingman]

Timetogo, this sounds so much like how I have it so I understand your difficulties. I told my uNPDw I want a divorce and she is not accepting it, she has since I told her been asking me to reconsider and told me about her undying love for me. She keeps coming in to talk to me and ask me to reconsider, asks for hugs, kisses, you name it, and every time I tell her no she starts this drama about how nasty I am to not allow her the affection she needs. No regards to what she put me through, no regards to what I am doing, I can be in a meeting and she comes in to me and start blowing kisses. I am doing MC and GR but for the sake of the kids I have to drop it at times, and that is where it goes wrong as she takes it as me being OK with her again. The love bombing really is hell, it's a manipulation that is probably one of the hardest to deal with. But, I think you like me need to put ourselves first and do whatever we need to do. If you can get him out of the house, do it. It's not your fault for what he did to you or your responsibility to make sure he has a home. I know, it's easy for me to give that advice when I am not following it myself - but I am trying!

Good luck and stay strong!

[Gettintired76]

The Hoover is incredibly hard but I'm learning more and more to unplug that Hoover put it in the closet, although it's still hard when the more you MC the madder and meaner they get. And I still have guilt and second guessing issues. But it's getting better you just have stay strong, like the old speed stick commercials I think...."Never let 'em see you sweat!"