She doesn't want it

[Pepin]

DPDmil announced that she doesn't want her life alert button anymore because it is too much of a bother to carry around.  Huh.  That hard, eh?  Well, if she falls in the middle of the night, no one is going to know...doesn't seem like a bad thing to me if this is what she wants to do.     And for whatever reason, DH didn't even try and argue with her.  He just brought it home.  I hope DH doesn't lie awake worrying about her now...if this is what she really intended...  It is always something with these people.  Playing their childish games and coming up with new ones.  What a way to live. 

[Poison Ivy]

My mom is 93 years old. She is refusing, for the second time, to get a medical alert device because to get one, she'd have to list a person with a local phone number as the first contact person, and she doesn't want anyone not in the family to be the contact person. I'm going to say it here because I can't say it to her or my siblings: ridiculous.

[Leonor]

Well, she doesn't have to wear anything she doesn't want to; it feels like belling the cat, I suppose. But why bring it to your home? Why not leave it at her place? I don't mean in the pd way (as some kind of tangible umbilical cord) but in a normal person way.

Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to keep dh from fretting, besides that's part of their game: dh as the white knight rescuing his frail and suffering princess mom.

Ignore it. Let them play it out. When he tosses and turns, put on your silk eye massage sleeping mask. Goodnight, dear!

[moglow]

I see a hook in her refusal, isn't that just sad?? I wouldn't have brought it home with me, rather left it there. She could wear it or not but far be it for me to leave her with "... I would have been wearing it when I fell but Donnie took it back home with him."

[SunnyMeadow]

I hope your dh brought it home so he can return it for a full refund!    

[Sneezy]

Trigger warning - very sad story that does not end well.

My elderly stepmother canceled her life alert service.  She also canceled Meals on Wheels after we set it up and paid for it.  The first two times she fell, someone found and rescued her.  The third time she fell, she passed away on the floor of her bathroom.  When someone passes in their home and isn't found within two or three days, it costs thousands of dollars to clean the house and make it safe for relatives to enter.   And any pets will also die, as there is no one to feed them or give them water.  It took a wise therapist to help me understand that my stepmother died on her terms and it was not my fault.  There is only so much you can do.  Hopefully, the worst won't happen.  According to a social worker I talked to (after my stepmother's first fall), this happens more than we like to think it does.  The hope is that an elderly person has a bad enough experience that they are scared into taking better safety precautions, but not such a bad experience that they die.  Unfortunately, it does not always end well. 

Hope for the best, but understand that if the worst happens, you did all you could and this is completely your MIL's choice.  A terrible, dumb, unwise choice, but her choice nonetheless.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for sharing this very distressing story, Sneezy.

[Pepin]

Trigger warning - very sad story that does not end well.

My elderly stepmother canceled her life alert service.  She also canceled Meals on Wheels after we set it up and paid for it.  The first two times she fell, someone found and rescued her.  The third time she fell, she passed away on the floor of her bathroom.  When someone passes in their home and isn't found within two or three days, it costs thousands of dollars to clean the house and make it safe for relatives to enter.   And any pets will also die, as there is no one to feed them or give them water.  It took a wise therapist to help me understand that my stepmother died on her terms and it was not my fault.  There is only so much you can do.  Hopefully, the worst won't happen.  According to a social worker I talked to (after my stepmother's first fall), this happens more than we like to think it does.  The hope is that an elderly person has a bad enough experience that they are scared into taking better safety precautions, but not such a bad experience that they die.  Unfortunately, it does not always end well. 

Hope for the best, but understand that if the worst happens, you did all you could and this is completely your MIL's choice.  A terrible, dumb, unwise choice, but her choice nonetheless.

Thank you for sharing your story.  This is terribly unfortunate for all involved... like you said - usually if an elderly person has a fall it becomes a reality check to take action at finding ways to be more safe.  But as I am processing through DPDmil and others like her, they don't want to be safe because they like the attention it brings them.  In my opinion there is no loss in dignity when admitting we aren't want we used to be because that is what aging does to us.  Accepting it is dignified. 

I am still recuperating from a recent visit to her home.  I really felt that the way she was living was *abusive* towards herself and that anyone walking in would possibly think that the situation itself was abusive - that she wasn't being cared for properly and we and other family members could be liable.  But, this is what she has chosen for herself.  The state of her home inside and out was heartbreaking to see...the exterior alone must be so difficult for neighbors to live around.  It really is very, very sad.  But, she won't spend a penny on the house or herself because she thinks she is being a hero saving money to pass on to her children -- who already have more than her many times over.  While it seems like she is doing something praiseworthy, it is stained all over with abuse messages.  Her money is her last straw of control.  She needs to be placed in a home.  Her home is unsafe, poorly lit, dirty, and too much for her to manage.  I feel guilty that I should be helping her because I easily can and I would if she were a genuine and caring person toward me and others - but since she hasn't been "nice" to me, I cannot help her. 

The only redeeming thing when we visited this time is that it didn't smell.  Usually it smells foul due to lack of fresh air and a combination of food smells and bodily odor.  This time the air was normal and not nauseating... 

[Hazy111]

Again narc supply. They want you as their primary supply, so event a story to manipulate the family to provide it.

Cancelling the meals on wheels was what my Dad used to do . Because then my sis would have to visit to take the order and deliver it. VISIT HIM.  NARC SUPPLY.

When he could actually walk, he would go shopping on a certain day only , grand daughter, daughter accompanying him ( cos thats day he always did it ) Wouldnt compromise to a day my sis was off work. NARC SUPPLY

Wouldnt accept deliveries from supermarket ordered on line.

Was only temporarily abated when carers were employed and of course VISITED HIM X 3 per day.  NARC SUPPLY.

[Sneezy]

they don't want to be safe because they like the attention it brings them

Yep, in the case of an elderly parent with a PD, that is exactly what is going on.  In my stepmother's case, I don't think she had a PD, rather I think she was severely depressed.  But I truly don't know.  I just know that she completely disregarded her own safety.

In the case of my own mother, it's all about the attention, though.  She is a huge fall risk and yet refuses to use a walker.  She lies and tells me that her doctor told her she shouldn't use a walker (note that she doesn't say the doctor told her she doesn't need it, she goes all in and says the doctor told her she shouldn't use it, like the walker is harmful or something).  It is infuriating behavior and I struggle with how much to push back and what I can (if anything) do about it.

[1footouttadefog]

Trigger warning.


There was a horrible situation that took place near the college where my dd lives a while back.

The pets don't always starve in such situations. 


Despite the potential outcomes, we have to separate ourselves from their decisions at times. 

When I could no longer do that It became apparent I needed to take guardianship. 

These things can be hard to navigate.