Funeral Dilema

[seeking.peace]

Hi,

First time posting here and looking both to vent and for some advice/support.  I'll start with a very quick background.

My in laws are quite a toxic family; one very narcissistic SIL who dominates every situation with MIL who I oringally believed to be an enabler but now realise is also narcissist but in a much more covert way.  2 years ago after a number of years of biting our tongues and trying to let things go (and having both sort counselling individually over the situation) we decided to confront my in laws with the way we were treated just to be met with aggressive denial, it was actually us that were causing the problems, flat out lying about things that had happened or been said, ect and after numerous attempts to come to a mutual conclusion, my partner and I decided enough was enough and that until our boundaries were respected, we received an apology and we were treated fairly and with respect going forward that we would go no contact with them (just his parents and adult sister).  Over the 2 years there have been a number of messages from both MIL and FIL to reiterate how they don't know what they have done wrong and that it's actually us at fault.  Most have gone unanswered, me total no contact and my partner very limited.  We have seen other members of the family ( albeit limited due to covid) with no issues (they have repeatedly asked us for our version as they have heard what we have supposedly done and we have declined to comment as feel it just fuels a fire and feeds the narcissistic supply).

My partner and I recently had a baby.  We didn't post on social media but did send out a text to his family to let them know and specifically sent one to my MIL saying we wanted her to hear it from us not anyone else to be told we were disrespectful, intentionally causing pain and that she was sad and disappointed.  I think naively I had hoped that bringing a child into the world would make her want to try fix things and at least be "nice" but if anything it seemed to fuel her hate towards us more.  Our baby is now 6 months old and my in laws have never even asked how they are, only sent messages to repeat how disappointed they are in us and that we are depriving our baby of love.

My partner recently received a text asking him to urgently call his father which he did to be informed that his great uncle had passed away.  My partner was sympathetic an polite and said he was sorry for his father loss and to let him know if we could do anything, something he also text his uncle (the deceased's next of kin due to having no children of his own).  My partner reached out to his uncle again about 10 days later to again ask if there was anything we could do or for funeral arrangements to be told that the funeral had been arranged and that the other family members had been told not to pass on the information as we 'weren't welcome given the current situation'.  This obviously broke my partner as he got on well with his great uncle and we now feel like our opportunity to mourn and pay our last respects has been taken away. 

My partner confronted his parents as to why we couldn't attend as for funerals surely everyone can put the issues to one side to be civil adults for one hour to attend a funeral to be told that it would be 'too painful for them to see us and our baby'.  I feel that once again their selfish needs and feelings have come before the right for everyone to attend and that they are missing the fact the deceased had no issues with us so it would be right that we went?  The inlaws said that it had been a family discussion and that everyone had agreed we shouldn't go but when my partner called his uncle he was told that they (and everyone else) had no issues with us going as long as their was no drama from anyone and we were given the details.

We are now at a dilemma for what is the right thing to do.  On one hand we had nothing but love and respect for the deceased and would like to pay our final respects but equally don't want to put ourselves in a situation that could potentially cause more drama or hurt.  If we thought the deceased wouldn't want us to attend then we absolutely wouldn't but the fact our exclusion is more about punishing us for not conforming to the inlaws rules and is yet another attempt to isolate us from the family is making me feel that we shouldn't allow them to continue to control us and stop us from doing what we feel is right and want to do for our own grieving process.  On a personal level I'm annoyed with myself for breaking 2 years NC as I did ring my MIL to ask her to reconsider when I saw how upset my partner was (total disaster, more gas lighting and lies and even attempting to turn my partner and I against each other).  In a highly emotive environment I thought I could reason with them which was naive.

Has anyone attended a funeral with NC family?  Or made the decision not to go?  How do other family members treat those of you who have chosen to go NC?

Thanks for reading this far

[moglow]

Me? I'd go. They can say or do whatever they want - you're there to say goodbye to a beloved uncle. No one else gets to decide that for you/him, including his parents. You could sit quietly in the back for the service or even visit the funeral home at an earlier time for your goodbyes if you wanted. This is one of those doomed if you do, doomed if you don't situations, so it's really best to do what feels right to the two of you.

"...to be told we were disrespectful, intentionally causing pain and that she was sad and disappointed..."

How was that disrespectful? You told her directly rather than her hearing about your blessed event from others. Yes, I know, this wasn't all about her and she didn't get to have everyone circle the wagons for her etc etc. But that's probably the crux of the funeral issue - it'll come out she's never met her grandchild. Odds are everyone in the family gets it, gets YOU and they're just steering clear of her and her nonsense. I say that because as I grew older various family members made comments that let me know they knew and had heard plenty about how mother treated us. A few went as far as saying they didn't know why I put up with her as long as I did.

Thing is, we never know what they're telling or how they're painting us and that's not our stuff. Our own behavior will tell the tale, as it should! Again, I'd go - I'd be polite and respectful and talk with family members, not even try to sit with parents.

[Leonor]

Hello, Seeking Peace

I'd just add to Moglow's wisdom that there are many ways to pay your respects to your dh's beloved relative, from sending flowers or a card to donations, plantings, or religious services in his name. If an obituary has been posted, begin there to learn how his family prefers to honor his memory.

If you want to go because it would bring your dh peace and you believe your presence would be a comfort to his great uncle's loved ones, of course you can attend an open visitation or service. But if there's any weirdness that causes you anxiety, you don't have to walk into Main Street at high noon, either.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmmm. It's notable that all these other family members with whom you have no issues went along with the instructions not to tell you about the funeral arrangements. How they were willing to cut you out to save the presumed drama.

Now that you've claimed your right to be there, so to speak, I agree that I would probably go too if it were me. However, I would have an exit strategy if needed. Be chill, guards up, steer clear of MiL and FIL. No meet cute with the baby. Maybe not even bring them if that's an option.

I'm really sorry you're going through this BS. It's no fun when your need for big boundaries keeps getting reinforced again... and again... and again.

[Hilltop]

I would say if you want to go then go.  Don't be told by your in-laws that you aren't welcome.  If you go then don't be dragged into any drama.  At the first sign of drama remove yourself immediately.  Unfortunately weddings and funerals are those occasions where PD's seem to really bring out the drama. 

If the in-laws haven't met the baby then this probably isn't a great time for that.  If you can leave the baby with other family or friends that would probably be safer.  I think ultimately if you want to be there to pay your respects then go and do that.  However have an exit strategy ready in case things go wrong.

[seeking.peace]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I think this situation has really taken it's toll on me the last few days and I just needed to feel heard and validated.  We had started to question ourselves again and forgot how awful being gaslighted was.

Sadly I agree doomed if we do and if we don't- like most interactions with NPDs it feels like every option for us is a lose-lose situation.  I think our gut is telling us that it's the right thing to go but like you all say with a strategy and get out plan.  Turn up last, sit at the back away from everyone and leave as soon as appropriate to do so.  If any drama starts we simply leave.  This is about us saying goodbye not anyone or anything else.

A big reason for initiating the original conversation about everything 2 years ago was we knew we wanted to start a family and wanted to have boundaries in place for when that happened to make a safe space for our child/ren to grow up in.  When it was clear this wouldn't happen it was a major reason for going NC.  Being exposed to that hurt ourselves was one thing but it wouldn't be fair to do that to a child.  We have agreed that whether or not we go our baby will stay home and avoid this situation.

Moglow- we were disrespectful to directly quote "...that you couldn't even find it in your heart to come round and tell us in person."  It took a lot for us to break to the NC but felt that it would have been disrespectful to allow them to hear the news second hand.  Thinking about it now your probably right that's why she doesn't want us going to the funeral.  She has spent a huge amount of time playing the 'perfect' mum and grandma card and our presence will threaten the persona she has built up to other people.

'How they were willing to cut you out to save the presumed drama.'  Yup, honestly this hurt so much.  We have tried so hard to hold our heads up high, not get pulled into he said, she said situations and maintain as normal relationships with other family members as much as possible, so for them to so easily go along with the NPDs really upset us.  They defended themselves by saying they were caught in the middle yet don't seem to be able to see that we didn't put them there, my inlaws did.  Part of me just wants to reel of a list of all the awful things they have done and defend ourselves when they tell us what we have supposedly done but I just know they'll go running back to tell my in laws what we have said and it'll simply be playing into their hands and giving them the supply they crave.

At the moment I feel like every day I'm just waiting for the next text or phone call to come and really hope we can get through this avoiding drama and back to our normal lives quickly without having to re-establish the boundaries and our NC.