A Boundary List

[Lauren17]

Stbx uNPD/BPDh recently asked me to list  all of my boundaries for him so he could respect them.

Has anyone else heard this?
What did you do?
How did it go?

[Simon]

I don't have any personal experience with this, but it sounds like hoovering to me.

They will say anything at this stage to get you back, but once you are, those promises will mean nothing.
And if the many articles, videos, papers etc, on the subject are to be believed, each time you go back, it gets worse, not better, because they have to punish you for making them work harder for what they already had.

I never went back, so I wouldn't know personally.

I would look at it this way.
You are having to explain to an adult how they should treat you.
You know, basic, normal things that emotionally mature adults would already know, because most things are common sense, like Respect me,  Be loyal to me,  Don't hurt me,  Don't threaten me,  Don't cheat on me,  Don't lie to me,  Don't smear me,  Don't belittle me,  Don't ignore me, etc.

If you have to give him a list of these things, how likely do you think it is that he is going to act on them?
If you think he has the capacity to act on them, then ask yourself why he didn't treat you that way in the first place.

"The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour".
Can't remember who said that, but it's very true.
We can all change small aspects of ourselves to improve ourselves if we feel we need to, but PDs cannot without many years of deep, committed therapy, and many won't even try because they don't think there's anything wrong with their behaviour, and everyone else is to blame.

If this request is indeed a hoover, then I wish you luck.
I can't tell you what to do, but I've read many, many stories on here of people who got pulled back in several times, and then years later when they finally get out, exhausted and depleted, they say they wish they'd had the strength and the sense to get out the first couple of times, and save themselves wasting more years of their life on someone that isn't who they thought they were.

Good luck.

[moglow]

I'm a bit of a pessimist on this one, so I'd probably have to decline his request. My mother has many times in the past requested that I put things in writing, and it never ended well. Those writings were inevitably not only shared with others, but thrown back in my face at her whim.

I'd venture a guess your stbx hasn't any idea what boundaries are or how they work. They're not a list of rules for others to follow, so much as the sure firm knowledge what is and is not acceptable behavior and treatment of others. And they have consequences when crossed.

If after having been married he has so little knowledge of your boundaries, I daresay a list won't be very helpful either.

[Poison Ivy]

Not saying your partner would do this, Lauren17, but I'll share the story anyway. Many years ago, my sister was dating a guy and all seemed to be going well. During a camping trip, the guy asked my sister, "What's one thing that if I did it, you'd consider it a deal breaker?" My sister told him a thing. Not long after, the guy did that thing. Hmmm.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

All I can imagine happening is, "Well, you didn't say x was a boundary!!" Or else, "You expect me to be perfect!"

It's a trap.

I suggest you refer him to your wedding vows. Love, honor, cherish. That's what you promised each other. The details can fit in with those principles.

[Cat of the Canals]

All I can imagine happening is, "Well, you didn't say x was a boundary!!" Or else, "You expect me to be perfect!"

It's a trap.

Ditto. At best I'd say it's a "make nice" hoovering tactic that he already has an escape plan for.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Don't do it 🤣

"Boundary List" will become "The Manipulaton Archive" in which he takes all those boundaries and stomps all over them. Just because he can.

What is so hard about treating someone like a decent human being. It's not that he doesn't know boundaries is it? Look at his friends and work life. Does he cross any boundaries there? I'm guessing not.

Most people have very similar boundaries due to culture, society etc. He doesn't need a list, he's being ridiculous. When you say no he can further be the victim by saying you don't want to work on it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

When you say no he can further be the victim by saying you don't want to work on it.

That's why I suggested the wedding vow angle. Not that would necessarily "work" either. But his obligation is more than just to treat you decently. More than just respecting basic boundaries. It's to love you as his own flesh. And he already agreed to that. So enough of these games, dude. This is an insult.

[escapingman]

I have told my stbxuPD I have one boundary and that is for her to treat me with respect, she has still not figure out how that works.

[Poison Ivy]

I think of a boundary as, "If another person does X, I will do Y" or "If another person doesn't do X, I will do Y." As I understand the concept, boundaries are only effective if the person who sets them is willing to enforce them in some way.

[Lauren17]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I needed to hear that. I've come back a couple of times a day over the last several days to re-read.
The first time he asked, I gave a vague answer. The second time I told him that respect was a good place to start.

[SonofThunder]

First, i never reveal my self-protective 'battle plans' to the party who desires to use them to make sure i lose the war.  So yes, as the others say, i would consider it a manipulation trap.   Second, boundaries are not for another person to respect, and their respect (or lack thereof) have zero to do with a proper boundary's effectiveness.

Proper boundaries are also not punishment of the offender.  Its a very thin line in understanding and experience, but the purpose of a boundary is solely to protect the boundary setter.  Whatever the offender experiences by our self-protective actions/reactions is their issue, not our causation.  If they desire to avoid those experiences the next time they try the same thing, they may need to do some different action/reaction, to avoid the consequential experience, although our boundary is always the same regarding our own action/reaction. 

As an analogy:  If you come upon a 'bridge under construction' concrete barricade (erected for protection of the workers, not punishment of the driver), the driver can run into the barricade and suffer the damages, or the driver can take a detour.  Either way is a nuisance to the driver and a safe work area for the workers.  The next time the driver must takes the same road, the driver has the same choices.  Either way, the erected boundary is protecting the workers, regardless of the driver's actions/reactions and any feelings of 'punishment' are decided upon by the driver, not the workers. 

I recommend saying  "I don't desire to discuss boundaries". 

SoT

[Lauren17]

Thank you for the metaphor. I'll consider that. It's usually more subtle than that with a PD.
He asked again. I just said, "No. I don't have anything I'd like to share."
That "no" is a traffic cone. It'll be interesting to see if he keeps trying to drive past it.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for the metaphor. I'll consider that. It's usually more subtle than that with a PD.
He asked again. I just said, "No. I don't have anything I'd like to share."
That "no" is a traffic cone. It'll be interesting to see if he keeps trying to drive past it.

Thats an excellent response!   Like you said, if he keeps approaching the cone, the "no" keeps waiving him around.  I love it when the good people win! 

SoT