BPD Spouse and Adult Children

[seafarer]

Is it common for a person with BPD to be very negative about my adult children?  My uBPDw seems to think I am weird because I like doing things for my adult children and resents any time I spend with them in person or even communicating.  Sometimes it seems she thinks if I talk with them I must be saying something about her.  Anyone else with similar experiences?  Any insight on how to deal with this behavior?

[11JB68]

IMO it's that they are jealous of any time you spend with anyone but them... And probably exacerbated since they know how important the bond is with your kids.
Updh has often had this issue with me with our Ds. Sometimes there's projection too, he accuses me if being too nice to Ds etc when really he's the one I cater to.

[seafarer]

IMO it's that they are jealous of any time you spend with anyone but them... And probably exacerbated since they know how important the bond is with your kids.
Updh has often had this issue with me with our Ds. Sometimes there's projection too, he accuses me if being too nice to Ds etc when really he's the one I cater to.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this?  You have summarized my situation precisely.

[losingmyself]

My H is very jealous of my adult children, especially my DD, who doesn't have any time for him. She calls to visit with me probably 3x a week. I love it very much.
How do I deal with his jealousy? I ignore it. Too bad for him, because she's a wonderful human being. I let him sit in his pouting, and find myself something else to do.
I spent waaaaay too many years putting his feelings above my own and my children, and not only am I ashamed of myself for that, but I am not going to do it anymore. Jealousy is him feeling inadequate and that's his issue.
When he assumes all we talk about is him, I say something like "you know, not everything is about you" Ooooh, that doesn't help. Whatever.. Might as well give him something to pout about.

[ploughthrough2021]

I find as much opportunity to spend time with my kids (16-21) that does not involve my uNPDw. That's when I do my bonding time.  Can just be going to have a coffee to the local donut store...

[Andeza]

Borderlines, above all else, fear abandonment. Any time you spend doing anything anywhere other than with them is interpreted as exactly that. Therefore instead of thinking "Oh my spouse is a great parent that loves to show the kids affection through action," they think instead "My spouse has abandoned me!!!!" Cue waifish wailing and the discomfort they cause when you get home.

What can you do about it? I'm going to agree with the "Ignore it" comment. Let's say that, hypothetically, you spent every waking moment with your BPD spouse as they seem to desire. Instead of wailing that you left them, now they would wail that you never leave them alone, that you are controlling.

See? Can't win. Might as well do something you enjoy! Make pleasant memories with your kids, be a good parent. Have no regrets.