How to respond to divorced former friend?

[chowder]

How do you respond to someone (if at all) regarding a friendship that has ended? 

Last year a couple we were friendly with went through a divorce.  The wife lives many miles away, and we kind of drifted away.  During the friendship, I was never fully comfortable, as the wife always had her guard up, and she always put up a "front" or "facade."  I always felt she never let people "in" past a certain point.  We haven't been in contact in a year.

So today I received a holiday card from the wife, expressing that she's "still reeling" how we're not in contact anymore, and how I could "abruptly" end something.   Those words are a little strong for me, to begin with.  It was more like we drifted apart.  And she doesn't realize that all along I was uncomfortable with her facade.

Short of telling someone you were never fully comfortable around them, what else to say/do?

Thank you!

[Coyote23]

Hmmmm, the thing that bugs me the most (besides this being delivered in a holiday card) is that she accused you of abruptly ending the relationship when it was really drifting.

I think it would be best to either ignore this completely or to ignore it partially (and by that I mean keep her on your own card list, send a brief greeting and don't mention her accusation.)

She doesn't live close. The stakes are low if you limit contact. Unless you really want to work on the relationship, I would let it go or address minimally. The truth is, life happened, you didn't cut her off, you drifted. End of story.

Hope this helps!

[notrightinthehead]

How strange! I too would ignore the reeling bit and continue being reservedly friendly.

[chowder]

Thank you!

[JenniferSmith]

Coming at it from a different perspective .... is it possible that she cared more about your friendship than you were aware? I'm not arguing whether her choice of words in the card is an effective way of communicating that, but just wondering perhaps if her inner feelings about you were different than how you thought they were. Or that now that this divorce has occurred, it has changed her perspective on your friendship and she now sees it as more meaningful than she did in the past.

Maybe she was putting on a facade because she was in an unhappy marriage, and didn't feel like she could reveal that around you (for whatever reason).

But, regardless of what might be going on in her mind, you can only decide how you will respond. If you didn't particularly value the relationship back before she moved, then I imagine that this note doesn't change that. 

When I hear examples like what you posted here I admit it makes me feel a bit sad. Perhaps if she had been able to word her note differently, she might have caused you to feel more open to reconnecting ... something like, "Chowder, its been a while since I moved away and I've been thinking about you. I did enjoy when we did x,y, and z last year.  This has been a difficult year for me, but I'm moving forward. It would be lovely to catch up sometime if you'd ever like to meet up for coffee or something. Best wishes and happy holidays,"

I don't say that to imply you have any obligation to her, though. As an outsider, I just wonder if maybe her intentions are good, but her delivery is unskillful.

[chowder]

Hi, Jennifer,

You make some very good points.

And my sentiments exactly as to her approach - if it had been different, I might feel differently.  I thought about this and slept on it, and what kept coming back to me was the lack of any conciliatory tone.  What was not in her note was "Gee, I miss our shared fun times, laughing and shmoozing about our baseball teams."  What was not there was, "I hope I didn't do anything to offend you, and if I did, I apologize."  What was not there was "Now that my divorce is final, I hope we can still remain in contact through the miles."   What was not there was "I miss seeing you and the family, and hope everyone is well."   Her message felt like more of an attack and blame - and by the way, have a nice holiday.   After seeing that, I would be more careful than ever with that type of interaction.

She had her reasons for being aloof/distant throughout the relationship, no doubt.   How unfortunate that a byproduct of that is a friendship that, to me, did not feel deep enough to sustain.

Thank you for your wise words!