My C-PTSD and also DH's C-PTSD

[Pepin]

Recently it became clear to me that my DH also suffers from C-PTSD along with me.  We are two C-PTSD survivors married to each other - but also who both had similar and differing roles as children and adult children.  It no doubt has been very confusing and at times a tough road for our marriage. 

I've done a lot of work on myself because I recognized earlier in my life that I had to do it when I became a wife and mom.  I also was the first to go no contact with my abusive parent.  DH on the other hand has had periods of distance with his abusive parents but still is consumed by FOG.  He has even thrown the word obligation out in front of me saying that he has a "loyalty" to DPDmil.  That was a devastating conversation for me to have with him -- that he clearly had one foot firmly planted in his FOO rather than both feet planted in our marriage or FOC. 

Looking back, DH has had many moments of rage and dysregulation toward me and our children which have caused deep wounds and resentment.  He has been unable to understand behaviors or responses that differ from his own or that he had as a child living under oppression.  As long as he did well and was happy, he got praised.  This is how he stood out and was safe.  Being the helpful child -- rather than just being a child.  His mother, similar to my father, is an immature agenda serving person.  Never wanted to do any necessary work on herself and to actually grow up.  Playing the victim card nonstop to keep everyone in compliance. 

My husband's relationship with his mother has been HIGHLY triggering for me.  It has been difficult to have any sort of really in-depth conversations with DH because he is extremely protective of her: which means he is hiding something.  I cannot believe that it would be embarrassment or shame especially since DH knows what I have been through with my father.  Though at first DH didn't believe me and told me often to take the high road and I was like what the F does that mean?  Take the high road with an abuser?  To DH that meant having some sort of relationship so that I could at least inherit something.  OMG.  And this is exactly what he is doing with his mother.  But it isn't like he even needs the MONEY!!  But he wants it anyways.  There isn't that much in the grand scheme of things but he sure as heck doesn't want his siblings to have what would be his share either.

So much wrong here.  I wish he would level with me.  I really do.  If he just came out and admitted that his mother is problematic and helpless, etc. then perhaps I would feel more sympathy for him and we could work together to set boundaries.  But since I have to harbor all this knowledge on my own, it has been such a heavy load and I am the one setting boundaries with DPDmil and DH.  I used to get emotionally dumped on by DH after he was around his mother.  I put an end to that.  Whenever he gets mad I know it is because of her and his lack of being able to deal with his emotions.  He just can't put her in her place.  Like the world will blow up if he set a boundary with her.

So here we are, hanging on together until she is gone.  While I do see small glimmers of self improvement in DH, there is so much more work to be done.  With my own inner child work I have been having a-ha moments nonstop.  The dots just won't stop connecting....and I do share them about myself with DH as I see appropriate hoping that he can see parallels in his own life.  I just cannot hold it in anymore.  He has to know everything about me and I hope it helps him heal.

[escapingman]

You are describing very much my relationship with my wife. I have for years tried to figure out if she has C-PTSD and fleas or C-PTSD and BDP/NPD. She has never ever been able to set a boundary with her mum, it doesn't matter how much I have begged her but her mum has always been allowed to walk all over her and me. I have always put it down to my wife being abused by her parents and have always tried to be compassionate and forgiving. BUT, the more I have helped her against her mum, the worse she has become towards me. I haven't followed you Pepin, but is it only C-PTSD in your husband or could it be PD as well? I have given up on my wife now and she will become STBX as I can't play these games and put any energy into if she is PD, C-PTSD with Fleas or whatever she is.

[square]

I've been reading a bit about cults - just out of interest, no personal connection with any cults.

But it seems that when people are subscribed to a cult, which arguably could include a PD's universe, they do not react well when told by other people that their beliefs are wrong, the cult destructive, etc. In fact, they double down.

Your husband has in some way gotten on board the belief system that his mother has programmed into him. He will hold more tightly to them the more they are challenged.

Apparently one reason is that cults, and I'd argue PDs as well, explicitly program thought controls into their victims. So when a victim thinks "maybe this isn't right..." their minds instantly bolt into action with the programmed controls: YOU'RE DISLOYAL. YOU'RE ONE OF THE UNFAITHFUL, GOING TO HELL. YOU HAVE LET YOURSELF BE FOOLED BY THE EVIL ONES/THE GOVERNMENT/SATAN/COMMUNISTS/whatever.

According to what I read, statements against the cult by outsiders actually serve to bind the victim more closely to the cult due to this short circuit. Outsiders prove themselves to be agents of Satan, disloyal, selfish, greedy, etc., because the victim has been conditioned to expect such statements and to believe those statements are part of a conspiracy against the group.

[Pepin]

I haven't followed you Pepin, but is it only C-PTSD in your husband or could it be PD as well?

For a long time I didn't understand what it was but I do believe that DH has narcissistic traits.  After all he is the GC so how could he not?  Also, being around DPDmil or having her on his mind about whatever task she needs helping with seems to light the fire even more for him.  When he struggles to solve something for her he really starts to become difficult to deal with.  He wants so badly to please her and fix things for her and he just cannot.  He releases his frustration out on me rather than HER.  I have been turning it back on him. 

When we dated and then married, DH was a different person.  Moving closer to his parents was a mistake and a huge red flag that I missed.  HUGE.  Over time I realized how helpless and immature both his parents were - but especially DPDmil.  Yet he played them up way more than what they are so when I first met them I was sincerely confused and actually kind of scared about what I was getting into.  At the time he did a good job of being a buffer and largely protecting and looking out for me and our relationship as a priority.  Then we had kids and things started changing a little bit...the needle was moving more and more over to his FOO and this was a devastating realization for me.  FIL passed away a literally the sh hit the fan with DPDmil.  She was exposed....helpless and she has struggled to keep her mask on.  There is so much more to this scenario and as I mentioned before, there has to be some unspoken history that is not being brought forth.