I'm new here

[HecateDeLaMer]

Hello Everyone,

I recently found this website after reading a book (Complex PTSD by Pete Walker)

I looked through the forum and found the content quite soothing because for the first time in my life i'm starting to realize that I'm not alone, then of course came the guilt for being soothed by the traumatic events others have suffered!

My Mother has a PD, NPD to be precise. She's undiagnosed........or diagnosed by me, so ok maybe she doesn't have it, maybe she's just run of the mill abusive and sadistic; but whatever it is, my whole life has been consumed with trying to please her, pander to her moods, walking on eggshells, making myself small/invisible, trying to figure out what I did wrong/why people hate me, all of that you know!? I think you get to a point in life where you're allowing another person to control you, it was definitely years ago when I could have gone NC, but I didn't know that was a thing, I was addicted to her abuse and I was so scared. I knew it was wrong, inside me I knew but I also didn't know anything else and I'd been raised to believe that I wasn't enough, so I'd listen to her and go back, like a kicked puppy (that's how a friend of mine described me!)

Then there are the relationships I've been in, amazing to start with and then declining into controlling/abusive situations, where i'd be isolated/fearful and become a shadow of myself, but i'd always be so grateful that they just didn't leave me!

The turning point came a few months ago, I met a guy.......my perfect guy he wanted exactly what i'd always dreamed of, lucky me! You know we were in a pandemic and I'd lost my job and my life had changed a lot and I was really out of sorts with it all, i'd always had depression, my whole life (or so I thought) and it got really bad. So this guy, encouraged me and eventually told me I had to get help, I went to see a Psychiatrist and she recommended medication and therapy with a Psychologist, over time the light started to seep, and long story short I have C-PTSD from my childhood, i'm not a depressed person, I'm not an anxious person. As the light started to come in it showed this guy for what he really was, he'd, over time, tell me that my friends were people who agreed with me to make me happy, and they were bad because they hadn't helped me to get help like he did (to be fair I'd kept the state of my condition to myself), every single thing was my fault, everything! he'd force me to wake up at ridiculous times, telling me he was preparing me for when I got a job! and then keep me awake until 2am, the food I cooked was no good, we'd go to the supermarket and he'd fill the trolley and a couple of days later would rail at me that I spent too much money. I'd have an idea, and he'd mock me and tell me all the reasons it wouldn't work, then a couple of days later he'd execute my idea. He's rage at me, while I just sat on a chair, he'd rage and rage and be furious for what he could never tell me. I'd cry and he's ignore me like I didn't exist. I'd get up in the morning and he'd act like he was home alone, no greeting, no acknowledgement nothing. He's walk up behind me and cut off some of my hair, make fun of the way I laugh............nothing was right.

When I left him, he'd drive over in a total panic and tell me it was his Asperger's that made him that way, and he'd never left me when I was depressed. Everything would be twisted and he wouldn't stop, he'd go on and on creating a maze and a mess until i'd agree to go back. Or he'd get sick, he was in a car accident, which I didn't witness, I didn't see the car afterwards and the effects of the accident (the whiplash) didn't show until he felt like he was loosing me. The night before I was going to leave to go back to work, his blood sugar went so low (he was diabetic) I had to call an ambulance because he  had a seizure and spent the night in hospital, later I found out he'd woken up and check his sugars and gone back to sleep!

Finally, with encouragement from my friend, I found a way to have a day alone, usually I had to go everywhere and do everything with him. While he was out I went home and packed all my things and left, he came back and caught me trying to go, he took my car keys and I had to phone the police, they arrested him and I escaped. There was no way to prove what he did, so I gave a statement and he was released without charge, but it's still on his record and it turned out he assaulted his ex girlfriend before me.

I went NC after I left him, he called, sent videos, messages, texts on every platform. I had to delete everything, everything even Pinterest, he popped up everywhere! I got a new job and he called and left a message to say he was going to find a tree and swing from it. I called the police and told them and they found him to do a wellness check, he told them that I was in fact unstable, I saw a doctor and i'd ran out of his house with a bag of pills! The police called me and I told them, this is what he does, he adapts the story to suit, yes six weeks ago I'd left his house with a bag of prescription medication and everything else I owned and had to call the police when he wouldn't let me leave, I was so angry. I told the police I had proof, I had the messages on my phone and he has nothing.

The contact slowly petered out and I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks, i'm NC with my Mother although she still messages me sometimes, at times her messages make me so angry, I still take the meds, see my doctor, I journal, I try my best.........but her voice, his voice, their voices are still in my head, I feel like nothing is real, people are fake and life is fake. Sometimes I have a kind of flashback where the emotions I feel come from past events and I hate myself so much and think everyone hates me too, I become a recluse and avoid people, other times I bounce off the walls and constantly make jokes, like I have to be a clown. I don't know who I really am, I don't know what I really like, I don't trust people who seem to like me and deep down there is no one I care about because I know they'll leave.

Now i'm alone, I don't speak to anyone from my family, my Mother alienated everyone and now i'm NC with her, I'm single and feel absolutely nothing for anyone, partly from my medication and partly because relationships are dangerous, I have some friends, but only on WhatsApp, I don't meet up with anyone in real life. I read books and listen to audiobooks, I go to work and have superficial conversations. I'm a shell.

That's a really long introduction...............once I started I couldn't stop!

Thank you for reading, I think just writing is helpful.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. Many people here understand, many had similar experiences. What horrible experiences you had to endure! And how resilient and strong you are to have not only survived but escaped! From what I read in your post, you are safe for now. You have real life support, see a therapist.
You might also look at CoDA groups,  some people find them helpful. The more help and information you can get the better for now. And lots of patience and kindness with yourself. You have only just escaped a dangerous and toxic situation. No wonder you are all over the place. Given your story, you are only now in a position to get to know yourself. To learn to identify your feelings. You are starting on your journey of healing. Give yourself encouragement and time.  See you around on the boards!

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. Thank you for giving us some context of all that brings you here. I am really glad you have continued to put one foot in front of the other and build a support system for yourself - with a therapist, medications as needed, the work of people like Pete Walker, and that you have joined us as you heal and recover.

I am just so sad to think of the depth of harm that you are now working through from these relationships. It is such a feat to even begin to see and acknowledge the toxic atmosphere so many of us here have grown up in. It is truly only when we can get a bit of distance that the lightbulb moments begin to happen and light is shed on how impacted every aspect of our adult lives have been and how so many of us have chosen broken people to allow in close to us and harm us further.

The toolbox and Personality Disorder info at the drop down menus is invaluable. The glossary... I have read through it sometimes just to reorient myself and remind myself of common behaviors and identifiable patterns that I slowly built a toolbox to handle, are just great places to spend time.

The conversations taking place on the board have been a life preserver for me and a wealth of support and insights like nothing else I have known in my own healing journey. I trust you will find this to be true for you as well.

Another amazing resource is our sister site: Out of the Storm - OOTS

Many of our members participate at both sites. Here to work through issues pertaining to our experiences those we suspect have personality disorders and at OOTS for those of us who are suffering with C-PTSD due to relational trauma. Utilizing and participating at both is a powerful approach along with the reading, in real life therapy and self discovery you are doing.

You are doing the hard work that so many never do. Bravo for all you have realized and broken free of so far. Be gentle with yourself as you continue forward. We are here for you and we welcome you!