Trying to be Me

Lauren17 · October 25, 2021, 01:59:49 PM

Since I filed, stbxh seems to be attempting to be as much like me as possible.
He has dropped his hobbies and taken up mine.
He's started up old traditions I used to do, like making a roast for Sunday dinner, as an example.
He's taken DD on several outings that used to be a "girls only" event.
He even set out dishes of potpourri in the scent I used to buy.

For some reason, this infuriates me.
What's up with this behavior?
Anything I could do other than MC?
I'd like to say, "Hey. Event abc is something I do with DD, I don't appreciate you stepping in on that." But that would be supply for him. And it may be seen as me being unreasonable in sharing parenting responsibilities.

(I wasn't sure where to post this one, so I'll ask the mods to move it if it fits better elsewhere.)

SonofThunder · October 25, 2021, 03:05:38 PM

Hi Lauren, see if this trait fits nicely with your experiences.
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/mirroring

SoT

losingmyself · October 25, 2021, 04:15:56 PM

Who wouldn't want to be just like you, right? You're awesome!
It's mirroring, a part of love-bombing that he's going to do to get back in your good graces. It won't last, so be careful.

square · October 25, 2021, 04:20:47 PM

From the link:

Mirroring can be a form of Dissociation, where a person's strong feelings create "facts" which are less than true.

I did not know feelings-over-facts had any connection with dissociation. I'm not sure I understand it?

SonofThunder · October 25, 2021, 05:06:39 PM

Quote from: square on October 25, 2021, 04:20:47 PM
From the link:

Mirroring can be a form of Dissociation, where a person's strong feelings create "facts" which are less than true.

I did not know feelings-over-facts had any connection with dissociation. I'm not sure I understand it?

See if this helps to connect mirroring and disassociation regarding feeling over fact.
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/dissociation

SoT

square · October 25, 2021, 05:54:46 PM

Wow, that was truly enlightening. A lot to think about.

Sorry for the hijack.

Lauren17 · October 26, 2021, 09:23:51 AM

Losingmyself you're right. I do see the appeal. lol
I think that he's doing this now less to win me back than for the kids. Both DD have shown a clear preference for being at Moms house. I think the mirroring is his attempt to lure them.
Does anyone know how this might impact DD and what I can do to offset?

SonofThunder · October 26, 2021, 03:53:03 PM

Quote from: Lauren17 on October 26, 2021, 09:23:51 AM
Losingmyself you're right. I do see the appeal. lol
I think that he's doing this now less to win me back than for the kids. Both DD have shown a clear preference for being at Moms house. I think the mirroring is his attempt to lure them.
Does anyone know how this might impact DD and what I can do to offset?

Lauren17,

if I'm remembering correctly, your children are in their high teens? My opinion, if that is so, is that by that age, they have a lot of experience already with both you and their father, as well as other family members, teachers, coaches, peers etc, so i believe they are more 'aware' at that age, than parents want to accept.

My two adult children are now both married (ages 23 and 28) and when each turned 18, i made the choice, since the freedom of college was just around the corner, and they were free in their adult rights at 18 (and also full adult responsibilities), that my job as 'parent' was over. But I will always be father, dad and friend.

Therefore, if was (back then in upper teens) in your current situation, i would not address/judge or 'caretake' any personal choices for an adult child at 18+, but for younger children, i would still parent without trying to injure a stbx spouse. With the 18+, i simply let them know im available privately for an adult dad/friend discussion, anytime day or night.

So therefore, if you have upper teens, i would advise you to 1. Not spend any more of Lauren's mental energy on worrying about 'impacts' and let your DD's regulate themselves. (Keep in mind that sbtx would LOVE to continue stealing your mental energy) and 2. Not spend any energy on 'offsetting'.

Your kids know you very well and can clearly recognize that their father is being different than normal and that those new things are your interests. These parent/child relationships have been developed over YEARS, not short-term try's by a parent, in an unsettling time, to win favor.

I use this quote on Out of the FOG a fair amount because i believe and have experienced it as truth:

"It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings." -Ann Landers

SoT

Lauren17 · October 29, 2021, 09:28:10 AM

I have one DD who is a young adult and one who is young teens.
So, I'm in a strange place of letting one cope/learn/adjust on her own and trying to nap rent the other through all of this.
They definitely see the abrupt and notable difference in their father's behavior. I'm not sure what they make of it tho.
I think what you're saying is to trust in my parenting and drop the rope on H's. That's solid advice. You've given me much to consider.

SonofThunder · October 29, 2021, 11:58:44 AM

Quote from: Lauren17 on October 29, 2021, 09:28:10 AM
I have one DD who is a young adult and one who is young teens.
So, I'm in a strange place of letting one cope/learn/adjust on her own and trying to nap rent the other through all of this.
They definitely see the abrupt and notable difference in their father's behavior. I'm not sure what they make of it tho.
I think what you're saying is to trust in my parenting and drop the rope on H's.

" I think what you're saying is to trust in my parenting and drop the rope on H's."

Lauren17,

Yes, that is what i would do in that situation, regarding your husbands behavior. Your young adult has full adult legal rights and can individually flex them as she sees fit. With all adults (even my adult children), im doing my best to let them "adult' themselves and thats tough since ive spent SO many years as a protector-caretaker in hyperdrive.

Your younger teen does not have full legal adult rights yet, nor the additional years of life experience as does your older DD. Therefore, I would also still trust in my parenting with the younger regarding her processing of the new behaviors, but be ready to protect her with your legal rights if needed, and that takes friendship and trust between you and she, so that you stay informed to the truth that is occurring.

My experience with younger teens is that they really enjoyed my trust in them having freedom to practice adulting, and that trust kept the communication channels wide open. 100% as you said, I would "drop the rope" on your H's behavior and advise you fully enjoy that freedom of letting it go; more 'letting adults be fully adults'.

SoT