Again, all about her

[Lilyloo]

My brother age 55 has been diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis. He went to many doctors before the diagnosis.  He has had droopy eyelids and double vision for some time. It is rare and not hereditary. He has been through some tough days. Needs mri to check tumor in chest. He may not have that but they check Myasthenia Gravis patients for that. Its Thymus gland I think. Its not curable but treatable unless it causes swallowing and breathing issues.

My mother who we knew would do this says it's like what she has with all the immune stuff and muscles. No it is not!  When she compares it to her, it's just false. For years she says she has shogrens (not sure spelled right)  I have never once seen any medication for that.  She right away dismissed this as oh we will just have to see and compared to herself. Her woes.

I'm just venting as I don't have many to talk to. My husband gets irritated, daughter too .  I stopped telling them or confiding. 

For me my worst thing is I keep trying to understand a person who can't let anyone else be ill.  Its sad when its her children she does it to  Thank you for listening. It just helps so much to write it out.

[SunnyMeadow]

My mother does the same, my illness becomes her illness. I think I wrote this here before .... one day she's telling me her symptoms which are MY symptoms!! It's so weird like the Twilight Zone. I'm hearing my words out of her mouth. The funny thing is, she doesn't take medications for this illness like I do lol! But says she has her good days and her bad days.

Good point that they can't let anyone else be ill. Whenever her husband has been in the hospital with very serious issues she gets loud with the hospital staff that this is all very upsetting for HER. All this running around for him causes big upset for her and nobody sees it. She uses this tactic because she can't very well say she has prostate issues like he has.   

I limit the information I give my husband too. I know he gets sick of hearing about her. He went NC but I can't quite get there. His short and to the point reply is sometimes "Stop talking to her then". So I stop the conversation with him. Vent away here LindaLoo!

[wisingup]

Yes, please feel free to vent here!  Getting it out of your head is so therapeutic, not to mention the validation of the others here who have experienced similar with their PD person.

[EtherOrchid]

My narc mother always turned illness into a competition.  If you had a headache, she had a migraine. If you had the flu, she had pneumonia.   It was also her lifelong excuse for not being able to work. She was too weak and dizzy for any kind of manual labor or desk work. But somehow able to do fun things like go shopping.  I spent decades thinking that she was depressed and genuinely  needed help.  But all she really wants is a caretaker. And even if you give her everything you have, it is still never enough.  She's hardwired to being bored, sick, unhappy all the time. I worry I am turning out exactly like her, that I complain too much about nothing. But I think that's part of the conditioning of having a narc mom.  You are told that your problems and illnesses are all imaginary. 

[Hepatica]

Dear LindaLoo,
Don't feel bad for venting. Many of us here have compassion for you because we experience the same thing. It's not something we talk about
with people, and yet it is so annoying. When someone makes illness a competition, I am pretty sure they lack the instinct to comfort another person. They want everyone to comfort them. It's a big red flag for a number of disorders, and it's irritating. It can sure make a person feel alone.

I'm so sorry that your brother is ill. He deserves some tender, loving care, not a competitive parent, who makes it all about them. This is so obvious for healthy people, but for parents like ours, they don't understand the basics of how to love another. Isn't one main idea of relationship to take turns caring for each other?  Normal, healthy families do this well. Ours don't seem to get it. 

[JustKathy]

I'm just venting as I don't have many to talk to. My husband gets irritated, daughter too .  I stopped telling them or confiding. 

LindaLoo, vent as much as you want. My husband also gets irritated hearing about my parental issues so I've stopped confiding in him too. This forum is truly the best place to vent. We understand and we're here for you.

My Nmother also made illness a competition. As an adult, I concealed my own illnesses from her because I knew I'd get hurt by being told she had it worse. I'm just now finding out from spying on my GC sister's Facebook page that she's been battling cancer for many years, and I never knew it. My mother must have told her to keep quiet about it because it was taking attention away from her own cancer. Despicable!

I'm so sorry about your brother's illness and hope he's doing okay. It sounds like you two have a good relationship so at least he has you to give him the support he needs. A parent should care about their child's life more than their own, but these PD mothers just don't.  Everything has to be about them. Just everything.

Sending hugs and well wishes to both you and your brother.

[Andeza]

Ehhhhhh, yeah they do have a knack for it, don't they? uBPDm was constantly competing with my uncle (her own brother no less) while he was dying. It was sickening. Every update on his condition was really just her saying "And he has X going on, which is just like my Y." Toward the end she got snippy with her other siblings because Uncle was getting all the attention (naturally) and she couldn't handle it. She bugged one of her other brothers after everybody warned her not to because he was in a mood (bipolar and preparing to grieve), and then got mad when nobody sympathized with her because he chewed her out. "Well why the heck did you bother him if you knew?" I asked. Got a word salad that made no sense whatsoever...

Vent away. We get it, lol, see above! My DH got a little fatigued hearing about my uBPDm along the way as well. Now I ask him if he's up for a quick discussion any time I've got something I'd like to hash out with him, and he's also realized his parents are also messed up and so now it's all a little bit more personal for him.

I hope your brother is very receptive to the treatment LindaLoo. It's one of the things Uncle had so I have a little familiarity with it, but that wasn't what killed him. Not by a long shot.

[lindentree]

What you're dealing with is so frustrating. On the one hand, your brother is seriously ill and at the same time you have a toddler trapped in your M's body. This is where I vent, too. You are in the right place.

My husband got overwhelmed with all the thoughts I had about my NPDm so my counselor suggested setting a timer, like 5 minutes, for me to vent/get thoughts out. I had a lot to process when I was coming Out of the FOG and it took a toll on him emotionally. So setting a time limit (and sticking to it!) helps our partners know what there is an end to the venting/conversation. Or we joke that I get to have one "W" thought per day (her first initial).

Making someone else's serious illness all about them is so messed up. They also tend to make major current events and natural disasters about them, too. It's a wonder I've turned out be a healthy, functional adult when everything revolved around her.

Keep growing and focusing on what matters most!

[Lilyloo]

SunnyMeadow, It sure is like the twilight zone! Our mothers sound identical!  Mine says she can't see to message me.  This is false also. She sees when she wants to. The long messages I get about her many illnesses proves she can see. Its just that her vision improves if she needs to talk about herself. When you say she gets loud in the hospital, mine does the same about stepdad. We have  very much the same mother!  Thank you for helping

lindentree, Thank you! My husband seems to be stressed about my mom issues.  In our situation his family are so enmeshed, I don't think he can relate. They do no wrong, tho they are very dysfunctional. I am glad you can talk to your husband by setting that time limit. That is good advice.  I noticed for almost 50 years that my husbands family do not communicate. It's all brushed under the rug. I'm so different. I need to communicate. They go around laughing, showing no emotions. They pretend. Thank you for helping

Andeza, I am so amazed how each of our mothers are so alike. That's terrible doing that at the hospital!  Mine the same with her own son with cancer. I can't wrap my mind around their behavior. I study about it but still emotionally I can't understand. Each of you have helped so much. I think the treatments will help my brother. Thank you for helping!

Just Kathy, How sad is it that they make illness a competition I am so sorry about your sisters cancer and that you never knew. That truly is as you say "despicable" I hope she will make a complete recovery. It took me awhile to realize I can't talk to husband. It's sad for us isn't it.  I am grateful for each of you here. Thank you for your help

Hepatica, They sure do lack the instinct for comforting others. They seem to have no compassion.  I have had to keep saying it is a disorder. I think when it's a mother it's even harder.  My brother told me on the phone that mother would soon have his health issues. We know her so well. Thank you for your help and compassion.

Ether Orchid, Absolutely, they just want a caretaker!  So true, its never never enough! Its draining!  I too worry constantly that I may sound like her in any complaining I do.  I think just the fact that we worry or think that says we are nothing like them!  You are right tho, we have been so conditioned! Thank you for being helpful!

wisingup. Yes the validation here is priceless!  I am so grateful. So many similar stories! I need to come here more often. I thank you for your help

[daughter]

Oh, so familiar, as if illness is a contest for attention.