Guilt over PD in-laws but staying strong in VLC.

[Breakthrough]

Hi,

It's been a while since I've posted in here.  The pandemic and limited travel where we are (and not living near any family) has led to a lot of peace as I don't have to deal with my in laws unless they are visiting.  I don't txt or call them and I have asked my husband to make sure my uNPD MIL knows not to txt or call me.  I have been thinking, my husband really doesn't make much of an effort with his extended family that he claims to be close to (his mom's family, many PD or disorder traits among them).  I do make an effort by mailing Christmas cards and encouraging my husband to call his grandma.  I remember his Aunt (3 of his 5 aunts on that side have no kids, 2 are unmarried), saying to me who is going to take care of her when she is old.  I feel this was calculated to make me feel guilty.  I do, and I get stressed at times because I think there are expectations from his side of the family, though in all honesty they do nothing for us (not even send gifts for my kids, sometimes a Christmas card from one aunt, just a greeting card with their names).  I mean I guess I feel like, if we mean so much to them (which is what she acted like when I met her), they would make more effort, but I think it's just not their way, and I also feel manipulated.  I think we only mean something to them when we can do something for them.  These feelings are coming up for me now because my ILs will be visiting over Christmas.  While I encouraged my husband to invite them early, and I do want them to have time with their son and my kids, I am dreading it because I just can't stand my MIL after her almost breaking up my marriage and endangering my child.  She never apologized or saw her wrong, and I realize she just isn't capable of it with NPD, but it still enrages me when I think about it.  Like oh, I love you little grand daughter but I have no problems endangering you because I want to prove a point to your mom.  It's just not genuine love.  My husband also told me my enabling FIL is having an issue with his heart.  But gave me no details.  I am in the medical field at a pretty high level, so it just leaves me wondering and I can only guess at the possibilities for what this means because I don't have the details.  He is not who I thought he was.  I admired him for many years as a pillar of his church community, which he is, but apparently he has made very unwise financial decisions that really upset MIL, and now is unable to retire (when previously they were on track to retire early).  I heard some of this from MIL a couple of years ago.  It sounds like he needs to work one more year and then they'll retire, but I suspect that will get cut short with the heart issue.  If he needs open heart surgery, it will take 6 mo to recover and he has a physical job.  I doubt in his late 60s he can return to it.  To be honest, I felt my FIL had made some comments in the past that insinuated he was relying on me to provide retirement for him.  My husband thinks I am stretching it, but he also had family calling asking me for money when I was still in training and making very little, distant relatives that I met once, but it still creeped me out.  My husband refuses to work and so is a SAHD but barely does dishes let alone cleaning and cooks very infrequently, we often get take out.  Our marriage already has it's own problems, but we are both committed to working on it, I feel like any further strain from his family just makes things go downhill with us further.  I also have chronic pain from injuries in a hit and run and so I am not sure how much longer I can work, so we are saving aggressively in case I am forced to retire early.  I don't feel we can afford to give anything to my ILs, at least not regularly to support them.  I know my BIL and SIL got years of free childcare from them, and they live in the same city, and have offered to move in with them so they can afford to retire.  Honestly, I don't think that's a bad idea, except they should sell both their houses and buy a house that has a suite so they have separate living spaces.  They get along well with MIL, but that is because they are better about boundaries with her and she is much more respectful of boundaries to my SIL than me, like I am glad, but it angers me at times that she explains things to me about SIL being busy with her family, and yet has gotten angry and guilted me for spending time with mine.  I hope they can work it out.  My husband and I have discussed it and I told him since he burdened me entirely with finances which is not what we agreed to when we got married, he had to be okay with us not supporting his parents financially, because I couldn't afford to support 2 sets of parents.  Before we got married, I also told him that we may have to support my parents financially and they may live with us.  He agreed to this.  He is very kind about it,  my parents don't live with us and I just help them occasionally with some expenses.  I wouldn't mind doing the same for my in laws, except that we honestly can't afford to right now.  I haven't been for my parents either.  Anyway, this brings me to them coming to visit. I am a little stressed as I really don't want to deal with MIL, she is not just and NPD she also feels the need to fill space with constant talking.  I am an introvert and am totally happy with peaceful silences,  she doesn't understand that I think and silence means she keeps talking.  Ugh.  It will be an energy vacuum, but it is what it is . 

So before she comes, I am telling myself it is perfectly fine to hide in my room and craft.  Ugh 😣.  I will also employ selective hearing, since she has no qualms asking us things that are none of her business.  I just find her tiring in general.  It's like preparing for a quiet battle every time I have to see her.  The pandemic had this one blessing that I didn't have to deal with her for almost 2 years but I will have to now. 

[bloomie]

Breakthrough - that is a lot on your plate! And a lot of expectations placed upon your shoulders.

I too, have been chosen as caregiver to my elderly in laws..  I learned to ask myself something and I hope it helps you... is this an entitled assumption by my in laws? Did I ever agree to this? Learning to see the difference between assumption and agreement is a first important step and distinction in setting healthy boundaries around what does and does not work for me and my Family of Choice (FOC).

And then to ask the question... 'what is mine to do?'

In my own in law family system a role of handmaiden to the family was assumed and pushed upon me and then acted on. They ran all over me and played on my desire to belong, love, have family, and be accepted.

Early on, I had no idea how to set boundaries as my compassion and lack of life experience and wisdom in dealing with manipulative people who will use me until the day is long made me very vulnerable to starting out taking on so much that was not mine to do. 

It was the best kind of good news when I began to realize that my resources... time, energy, money, emotions, physical strength, literal property, were my responsibility to manage wisely with my FOC and my own well-being as priority one.

What that looks like is making clear eyed healthy choices about what I am able or unable to do with or for another person with those resources. And stepping into a rightful place of ownership over my own life and every aspect of it.

Battling the false guilt and shaming, the raging and accusations of abandonment, the labeling as cold, unforgiving, the nasty smears and ugly finger pointing, all of the drama that simply stepping into the fullness of my own life and stepping out of things that are not mine to do - as determined by me and in line with my core values and good character - has brought has been mind blowing and at times has been very hard to hold up under.

This is no easy thing.. to step out of another's inappropriate expectations of us.

And I would add that even if I had agreed to be their caretaker (which I did not) I could always resign from that position should it be too much or not work for me and my family. We are all responsible to do as much as we can for ourselves for as long as we can.

So before she comes, I am telling myself it is perfectly fine to hide in my room and craft.  Ugh 😣.  I will also employ selective hearing, since she has no qualms asking us things that are none of her business.  I just find her tiring in general.  It's like preparing for a quiet battle every time I have to see her.

Oh yes, it is perfectly fine. I love these boundaries and the freedom you are living in in your own home. Your last line has been my own experience as well. It is a quiet or not so quiet battle and we prepare accordingly and plan to recovery time afterwards.

Let us know how you are doing with all of this!

[Cat of the Canals]

I just had a visit under similar circumstances with my in-laws. I dreaded it for months! But I made it through the week and lived to tell the tale! 

Absolutely give yourself permission for a LOT of breaks. I took our dog out for twice as many bathroom breaks than he usually gets. I took twice as many bathroom breaks myself! Sometimes I didn't have to go, I just needed to get out of the room for a minute. I had a lot of little things I needed to "go check on." And when I needed a longer break, I went and hid out in my craft room. If there was an opportunity to leave the house for an errand, I did so. (They thankfully weren't staying with us, but they often showed up early and camped out for the day.)

I will also employ selective hearing, since she has no qualms asking us things that are none of her business.

An excellent strategy! This visit was when it finally clicked for me that answering my MIL's intrusive questions with absolute silence shut her up faster than ANY response would have.

[Breakthrough]

Thank you both for the advice!

I completely agree Bloomie, I do not have to take on any caregiver role.  I have already decided i need to do that for my parents, but it will be shared with my siblings.  As for my inlaws, my husband has already agreed that it is his older brother's role (they live 5 min apart and that SIL has always been treated the best by them, it makes the most sense, they also helped them financially and babysat their kids for free for years). I told my BIL that we have our own financial stresses (the main one being I may have to medically retire early, and my husband has never worked and doesn't seem to have plans too, so I bear all the financial stress).  So when I initially heard my FIL had apparently made a bunch of bad and risk financial decisions, I told them I didn't want to know further details because it would just make me get pulled in and I just can't do that.  I really have no reason to feel obligated, they aren't really in our lives much, especially with the pandemic.  I guess it's my own guilt about nothing.  My MIL and her family are good manipulators though so it's definitely partly that.  MIL's complete lack of boundaries don't help, but planning to have knitting handy and might buy some big headphones to listen to music when she's around too.  I just don't want my SIL and BIL to think I'm being rude.  I just wish MIL could learn to enjoy a companionable silence.  But i don't think NPDs can do that.