"When he's good he's very good indeed, when he's bad he's horrid" (stay or go)

[inthefogwithBPDspouse]

Well... I'm here because I needed a private place of people who "get it."

My BPDh takes medication to help his symptoms. He also Drinks nightly. We've had several years of therapy (not lately). I've tried to establish boundaries - and I occasionally hold them successfully... We have an elementary age child, and husband is an amazing father to that child (much of the time). Sometimes - on healthy days - he is a wonderful spouse too.
...As long as our child, life itself, or I don't do anything triggering. (such as say the wrong thing, mention a new bill, have car trouble, plan a trip to visit family, ask to have a playdate with friends, get a sore throat...).

BDPh deeply idealizes the past and feels trapped in his present and future.
Our present and future are from a life he equally chose, but he lives a very tragic narrative (puts a negative spin on all circumstances he's in but idealizes whatever path he gave up) and his resentment about present are directed entirely at me. (well... until he swings into self-loathing mode and becomes suicidal and blames himself for everything).

Divorce is threatened by him at least monthly and every couple weeks I am generally subjected to late night hours of how horrible his life is, how much he hates everything about it, how he has no "partner" and life's burdens are all on him and I do nothing to help and he does everything (and goes over all the specific areas that I fail him & our life together). How he has made ALL the sacrifices and I can't even make him a priority.

If things get too heated or damaging with verbal or emotional abuse, I make boundaries to discuss when emotions are less intense and remove myself to another room. And then it's a barrage of texts and emails criticizing and accusing me, which I ignore. I am not one who escalates a situation, otherwise I suppose it could be worse. 

Maybe later, I find him passed out from alcohol + anxiety meds, so I move his computer off his lap, only to find he's been typing how he hopes I'm in a horrible crash so he can restart his life. One time he tried to search out how to smother someone with a pillow. I think he was just drunk & would never actually get physical with me, but I sleep very "aware" (and on my side) just because although I don't fear "normal" him, I do worry about his mental instability & what if he had some psychological "break" - which occasionally feels very possible...?

The pattern seems to be... low level misery and cynicism as his baseline, then every couple weeks or so, it escalates into rage, emotionally or verbally abusive levels of criticism (never physical at me and he is pretty good at hiding most of this from our child - so those things mostly happen at night), followed by regret, self-loathing, suicidal ideations, then apologies and a brief couple days of optimism, idealism & amazing husband-mode. This has been for 15 years.

I love the good days. But am exhausted, emotionally distant, and on eggshells 95% of our marriage.
 
I also have deep empathy for how much pain he experiences from life. I know BPD is - to the person - a very painful experience of life. If I could get his GOOD side even 70% of the time, I'd be FINE with that. It'd be a dream! Or maybe keep the negativity, but not have the constant extremes

My baseline is quite happy and positive as a person. So I'm not "miserable" and I don't internalize the horrible things he says or feels about me on bad days.

But I will only live once and I feel like I don't even get to be a fraction of the person I am - and when I choose to live "my" life, it's seen as being very selfish and prioritizing everyone else but him (I want to give, love, and serve more; visit old friends out of town; or even just host them if they come through to visit; see my family a little more before my parents pass... I want to go out and have more fun, but not have the experience overshadowed by complaints and negativity).

But THIS is not how I want to spend my one life.

There is NO physical abuse. If there was, the decision to walk would be more clear (in my mind).
No adultery - again, that would be more clear to walk away from. Our child is generally happy and well adjusted - only seeing glimpses and hints every now and then of the BPD side of dad, but nothing of the extent of the truth.

I'm not looking for someone else (I'm so exhausted I never want to marry again). I'm not even afraid to rebuild my life.

But with 15 years of marriage and a child - I feel so deep in this... he'll definitely be a risk to himself if I go... likely also seeing his ruined life as being ruined for nothing (which could possibly be a risk to me - but I typically consider him a greater risk to self than others). It would crush him and our child. And then... I know for a fact our child would be reluctant to have to leave mom to spend time with dad - which will then cause dad to react from perceived abandonment when mom isn't there to be an emotional buffer.

it's just so hard to see things clearly when IN the fog.

Does all this sound familiar to anyone else? Any stories from those who chose to stay or go? Any wisdom or insights?

[Rebel13]

Hi inthefog,

I first want to express support to you. This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. I do not have a PD partner, but I support you in limiting or putting an end to this abuse in whatever way is best for you and your child. And what you describe is ABSOLUTELY an abusive situation.

As a child of two disordered, dysregulated, self-absorbed people, I want to disagree with your characterization of your husband as "an amazing father." If he is behaving as you describe, he is NOT an amazing father. Even if he were unfailingly kind and loving to your child (which I doubt because you say "as long as our child...[doesn't] do anything triggering"), his abuse of you is not good parenting. Good parents do not abuse their child's other parent, because they know that's not good for the child. And your child is witnessing his abuse of you. What lessons do you think the child is learning from living in that environment?

I know there are very wise people here who will share their experience and stories. Wishing a peaceful, safe, and abuse-free life for you and your child.

[GoodPesto]

Hi inthefogwithBPDspouse,

having read your post this morning, it popped into my mind during the day which is usually a sign that what I have read is more than rough.
To me your situation is as clear as Rebel13 has put it.
Due to the FOG you are most likely not able to see it but if you do not mind my mirroring: You are living with someone who phantasizes about your death and killing you. Someone who has used a search engine on "how to" do that. Even if nothing (physical) has happened (yet) ... this is as dark as it can get I guess.
Imagine a friend of yours would be in your shoes and confide in you what's going on in her relationship. Wouldn't you fear for her life?
I too hope you will find the exit. Don't shy away from seeking support in this, FOG might be telling you you won't need it and that it's not that bad.
What you perceive as a happy and well-adjusted kid might as well be one that knows how to behave to avoid upsetting anything that might endager his/her mother. Do not underestimate the wisdom of children. I doubt any child could be truly happy under these circumstances.
PD-abuse is often nothing one could take to the police, even though it could cost you your health or life. I think in your case you would even have a chance to be heard by this kind of authority.
Be safe. Build a support system. Exit.

Best wishes

[square]

I've also felt I was married to two men, Jekyll and Hyde. It took me a really long time to see that they were the same man. I had thought that the remorseful man was different from the raging one. But I finally realized that the remorse was not what I thought it was.

He did feel that he was justified in certain behaviors in certain circumstances, not only justified but that there was really no other option. The regret was just him later feeling that he had overreacted, that the circumstances didn't actually rise to the level of response he felt warranted. But he still felt that IF the circumstances were otherwise, the justification to engage in relationship-destroying behaviors was still warranted, and obviously so.

"I wouldn't have to ___ if you would just ____."

I also recognize the resentment and anger you've described, the victimhood. It's a core feature of the personality disorder, and quite intractable. After many years, I realized that even a significant change in behavior wouldn't have even been enough for me anymore. If he never called me a name again, never spent hours telling me every awful thing he could think of, he would still be biting his tongue and thinking all these horrible things, and I'd know word for word what they were since I'd heard them so, so, so many times. So it wouldn't have been enough.

One time he tried to search out how to smother someone with a pillow. I think he was just drunk & would never actually get physical with me, but I sleep very "aware" (and on my side) just because although I don't fear "normal" him, I do worry about his mental instability & what if he had some psychological "break" - which occasionally feels very possible...?

I'm sorry to tell you this, but this is terrifying. I know what it's like to be a slowly boiling frog, so from one frog to another, this is bad. This is a glimpse into his mind. This is what he is thinking. It's really, really bad.

My husband has had psychotic breaks. I can tell you that there is absolutely no predicting or controlling those. If my husband believed that God was telling him to do something, he'd do it. Fortunately, his psychotic breaks have thus far not involved anger or malice, but he did do something he thought would endanger himself.

Our child is generally happy and well adjusted - only seeing glimpses and hints every now and then of the BPD side of dad, but nothing of the extent of the truth.

That's great, and my 20 year old daughter also is happy and well adjusted. And I know that her dad has affected her more than I knew or still know.

an amazing father to that child (much of the time)

None of us are perfect parents, and even the best of us blow it from time to time. But my husband himself can attest from his own childhood that that "some of the time" can completely color everything else.

Just knowing that Dad "might" blow up or flip out affects "all of the time." Kids learn to monitor what they say, restrict their facial expressions, swallow joy and pain, and spend energy watching the emotional weather and checking for minefields every time they interact.

when I choose to live "my" life, it's seen as being very selfish and prioritizing everyone else but him

I think this is your assignment, right here. No matter what you choose to do in the future, the task at hand is to separate out of his warped thinking. I had to do the same. After so many years of being told I was "destroying the family" and "choosing the easy way out" and "threw away 20+ years of a marriage" and so on, I really and truly understood that I had tried everything I could to save the family from being destroyed by him, that I had done incredibly difficult things and needed to do another really difficult thing, and that despite all my efforts he had thrown away 20+ years of the marriage I had fought so hard for.

I eventually really, truly got that straight in my mind. It's interesting how much his warped reality dictated mine, when my reality never touched his.

It's interesting, isn't it?

[Rebel13]

Just knowing that Dad "might" blow up or flip out affects "all of the time."

100%. I'm in my 50s and I still monitor every person and situation for signs it's not safe. I know I will do this for the rest of my life.

I should have said in my prior post, I agree with square and GoodPesto. Please contact a DV organization or other social services that can help you make a safety plan, at a minimum. You deserve to be safe and so does your child.

[SeaBreeze]

I stayed 25 years and raised 3 kids to adulthood before finally leaving ex-uNPDh. It never got better, ex just changed tactics and sometimes it *seemed* better. I finally had to realize that when my baseline for a good day was "H didn't say or do anything abusive today", that my baseline was very badly skewed. And while my 3 kids are awesome, they suffered trauma from living in a very tense house, not only directly from ex's emotional abuse but indirectly watching their father abuse me. As one DS so intelligently but sadly put it "I grew up in a house where Dad was the only person allowed to express any emotions." I very much agree with everyone else who has chimed in. Our children absorb more than we realize no matter how much we try to shield them.

And I agree with Square...your H's Internet searches would personally have me seeking an emergency exit. Please  contact a DV hotline to get a neutral take on this. You may also want to do your own online search for the MOSAIC threat assessment. Just fill out the questions and see what "threat level" it calculates for your situation to give you some insight.

Please keep you and your child safe.

[zad7242]

"Divorce is threatened by him at least monthly and every couple weeks I am generally subjected to late night hours of how horrible his life is, how much he hates everything about it, how he has no "partner" and life's burdens are all on him and I do nothing to help and he does everything (and goes over all the specific areas that I fail him & our life together). How he has made ALL the sacrifices and I can't even make him a priority."


"when I choose to live "my" life, it's seen as being very selfish and prioritizing everyone else but him (I want to give, love, and serve more; visit old friends out of town; or even just host them if they come through to visit; see my family a little more before my parents pass... I want to go out and have more fun, but not have the experience overshadowed by complaints and negativity)."


Welcome to the forum, you are receiving a good deal of great advice. The above excerpts from your post are verbatim familiar to me. Before getting married 5 years ago, I was seeing my parents 2-3 times a week with my 2 children from a previous marriage after my first wife passed away. After my BPD spouse decided my parents were toxic for abusing her I now only talk to them on the phone about once a week for the last few years and my children have not seen their grandparents in almost 2 years. My wife says that the fact I am willing to even talk to them as little as I do is proof, I am prioritizing them over her.   







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