Uninvited guests!

[doglady]

Apologies in advance that this post is so long. It's an almighty vent, I know. I've been NC with parents for nearly two years and my mental and physical health has improved enormously in that time. But they turned up today on my doorstep, uninvited. I guess it's not totally unexpected though as, being Xmas, one's FOO must perform their rituals.

DH said not to answer the door, but I did anyway, thinking: Nope I am going to deal with this in the moment and I am making a decision to say some things that need to be said.

So I opened the door and asked why they were there and updM started some nonsense along the lines of them being scared of my reaction and I said, 'but you can hardly expect me to be welcoming when you haven't tried to repair anything by ever acknowledging or talking about anything.'

I then asked why they chose Xmas to turn up and didn't bother to try and sort out anything on any of the other months of the year. updM kept repeating: 'we just want you to be friendly, 'family is everything,' 'I've only ever loved you,' 'we would have done anything for you.' I waited for a break and said, 'yes, those sentiments are general in families, but the point is that if you want a family to be that way, there are things that need to be addressed.' 'But, like what?' was her repeated and (apparently) befuddled reply.

So I sighed, already exhausted by the prospect, but I gathered myself and I went there, and reminded them that enF had said he would never speak to me again if I told their GP about their hoarding (I also let them know I had ended up telling GP as I was concerned for their safety, at which they became outraged). enF folded his arms and rolled his eyes and said, couldn't I take a joke? At the time he'd raged at me and it had been no joke at all. Also he hadn't wanted to read my 'bloody long emails'
about it.  (Please note: I'm also not unaware of the irony of posting this ridiculously long post today - but if no one listens when you speak, one has to write it all down in the hopes of being understood. It's one of my coping strategies).

updM then said, 'but we've done such a lot of work with the place,' to which I replied, 'great, but that's not the point here, this is about how I've been treated by you, and there's not been any acknowledgement or apology ever about that.' So enF waved his arms about and 'oh, bloody sorry then, but it's not just you who's right.' Never change, enF.

I also explained yet again how triggering it was that they chose to try and bully me and shut me down when updGC bro's wife tried to 'have the law' on me because I'd called her out on being cruel to my youngest sister, who as a result is VVVLC with them for not standing up for her against updSIL. updM then came out with all her faux-concern again about my career and how it'd supposedly be impacted by my speaking up to updSIL.  I said, 'you know as well as I do that's all total crap, I've already explained that to you, but you chose to let updSIL 'pull rank' and it was the last straw for me on top of years of you making me feel "less than" for bloody decades.'

updM then replied that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I said, 'OK, to be very clear, throughout my childhood and teen years, and as I've already told you over the years, you frequently referred to me as selfish, that you didn't know where you'd gone wrong with me and that I'd ruined your life. You were also very critical in many ways and you scapegoated me over all sorts of stuff. That has an impact on a young person.'
She said in this B-movie Joan Crawford horrified way, 'But I didn't say any of that, we always just loved you and thought you were fabulous.'
I said, 'but you actually did say those things to me - frequently.' I replied 'In no way did I feel you thought I was fabulous. Quite the opposite actually.'
She then asked for examples of when 'I'm supposed to have said all these things.'
I said, 'I don't need to provide specifics, this was just what was happening generally. Are you saying you don't believe me?'
Then she kept saying, 'but why would I even say anything like that?'
I said, 'How would I know why you would talk to your own daughter like that?'
She then did this insane kind of wheeling around look at the sky and just kept asking me the same question again and again.
So I just kept doing the broken record and replying, 'Yeah, I really don't know either.'
I eventually said, 'so do you believe what I'm telling you?'
But she just totally denied my childhood and adolescent experiences in one fell swoop.

She then said they needed to come and talk with me basically because [insert me supposedly causing exacerbation of all known health conditions they've ever had, here], but then when I said 'so, let me check, are you now blaming me for your health problems?', she then totally denied doing what she was actually just doing seconds before.
Then I got from her this tearful speech about how she can't sleep, and they are heartbroken and they just don't understand any of it. I said that it sounded as if they were still blaming me and added, 'I'm really not sure this visit is as helpful as you hoped it might be.'

And she then tried to switch tack and kept asking me 'but what can we do?
I said, 'I've already told you all this when you asked back in March, and also in that email I sent you when all this first happened nearly two years ago. Basically, re-read what I sent you, acknowledge it and go and talk with someone professional' Her reply: 'But what are we supposed to acknowledge or even talk about?'
Sigh.
I said, 'That's up to you. You need to gain some insight into the situation by talking with someone professional because at the moment all I'm hearing from you is blame, denial, gaslighting and emotional manipulation.'

Anyway she was determined that she is not going to see a professional because, 'but I'm talking with you now' to which I then said 'but you're not hearing or acknowledging what I'm saying to you, so you do need to see someone objective.'
Her reply: 'But I just have so much love for everyone so why would I need to do that? Family is everything to me. And we don't have much time left.'
I replied that, from my point of view, you can love 'everyone' but not wish to be in a dysfunctional relationship with them, and that's what she needs help to work on, and that she also doesn't have a monopoly on recognising the importance of family.

enF was interspersing with the odd (and I mean odd) unhelpful comment, like the old chestnut: 'I've been around a few more years than you,' and 'Do you always think that people should just say nice things to you?' To which I replied respectively, 'And?' and 'Obviously not.' And because I guess I wasn't taking the bait? he said, 'Aren't we classy enough for you?' to which I responded 'What? Have you got dementia?' updM then gave me a meaningful look and nodded imperceptibly. I said to her, 'well you'd better get checked for it, too, 'cause otherwise there's a whole lot of stuff you've conveniently forgotten.' I am fully aware this was undignified of me, and that this statement will be cherry-picked from everything else I said and held out to all flying monkeys as an example of my apparent unwavering coldness and cruelty to them. (DH said later, 'it's hard to tell with your father if he has dementia or not, as he's never made much sense anyway, and your mother's always been mad, so there's that.')

When updM asked for more 'proof' I also mentioned how she'd often resorted to crying when she wanted her own way. She said she never had and that she wasn't a tearful sort of person. !!!!! This from a woman who never stopped crying through my childhood when I wouldn't immediately comply with some perfectionist ludicrous demand. I said 'you often used that as a means of control,' to which she replied that she'd never tried to control us.
I said, 'well look, let's just pick up on that, shall we? Photography, for example.' Cue faux befuddlement from updM yet again.
I said, 'you made our lives hell over the years, expecting us to comply with your obsessive demand for photos.' (Believe me when I say that I could make an enormously long post about just this one particular facet of my intensely enjoyable childhood and adolescence.)
Her reply: 'But I haven't ever done that! We stopped taking photos of the kids (my DS and DD) years ago!'
My reply: 'Not true.' [this was related to me telling her to desist about four years ago because my kids had had a gut-full for being asked to pose for 'just one [thousand] more' and so had I.] 'But anyway, I'm talking about way before I ever had children - oh, and by the way, Dad, feel free to jump in here and deny that you spent decades whinging and moaning about 'having' to do it.'
enF looked uncomfortable and eventually said, 'oh, I didn't usually mind doing it.' I just shook my head while DH tried not to laugh. This from a man who literally never stopped complaining for decades to any of his children about how it drove him insane.

Also, at one point when updM appealed to DH and said, 'what sort of a person must you think I am if I'm supposed to have said all these things about [doglady].' I turned to DH who was standing behind me and whispered, 'you're showing admirable restraint at this point,' and as he said later, 'I actually wanted to say to her at that point, I've always thought you're a mad old (^>+.'

updM then slipped up her saintlike composure and said, what about all the things I had said about her, like calling her a 'matriarch'? And I said, 'yes you can certainly remember some things when you choose, can't you? Anyway, you are one. It's another word for mother.'

Anyway, this all sadly dribbled on for a while until in the end I said, 'look, there's not much more I can say. I think as I've already suggested that you go back to my original email to "jog your memory" and also go and get some professional help.' At this point, updM started crying and wanted a hug so I gave her a hug and I said, 'I do love you but I honestly don't know at this point what sort of functional relationship we can actually have. You can choose to do the work on thinking about that, because I've already laid out what I think you could try, which you could choose to do if you really want a relationship, but then again you don't seem to be willing to do what I'm asking,' She just kept side-stepping and saying she just wanted me to be 'friendly.' Again, with the blaming me for not being overly warm and receptive about the way they've treated me. 

Anyway, I just closed the door in the end and father came back and put a Xmas gift of some wine on the chair outside, which I'm probably about to get stuck right into. 

Goodness, if you got through all this, good on you and thanks. And if you jumped ship partway through, I totally get it. But it's helped me just to write it all down. Normally I would journal this kind of thing and not put it on here, but I thought it's got all the hallmarks, it's a case study, so to speak.

I also want to state that I feel proud I said what I said, and that I stayed calm and rational and generally respectful while stating my truth, and that I didn't dissolve into a blubbering and anxious mess, as I might've once. My DH was also proud too that I stayed calm and rational. I feel I've come a long way. And there's no way I'm sliding back.

Anyway, any comments are welcome.

And merry Xmas to all you amazing people.

[SunnyMeadow]

I read every word and felt like I was there with you, doglady. You are a talented writer. My immediate reaction in this uncomfortable moment with my own uNPDmother would be to give in and say soothing words to make her anger and anxiety go away. I'm so proud of you for speaking your mind, how you kept circling back to the problem without letting your mother cry her way out of it. As for your eF, well there's not much to say about his unhelpful comments.

The wanting "proof" thing is creepy to me. My mother says this too. She wants people to list out, preferably in email everything she has supposedly done wrong so she can analyze and nit-pick each point to death. If I listed out any issue, she'd send back three type written pages that she didn't do it.

Your mother asking "but what can we do"??  She doesn't want to do a damn thing, she's telling you she wants YOU to be friendly again. That's what she wants. You to fall back into the good and compliant girl so she can keep causing drama and trouble without you walking the other way.

I'm glad you wrote this out. It gives me ideas if this sort of thing happens to me. You stood up to them, kept your boundaries and didn't let them get away with the usual pretend it didn't happen tactics.

I'm impressed! 

[Andeza]

Sheesh, they never give up, do they?

Well handled, doglady. Well handled indeed.

I imagine if I ever see my uBPDm face-to-face again it'll look something like that from her. From me most likely it'll just be "We are not discussing this. You'll need to refer to my email." Over and over on broken record.

Make sure you take some time for you today and do some things you find relaxing and restorative.

[bloomie]

doglady... read every single word. Wow! Talk about blindsiding you!

You answered the door because it appears that you were more than ready to respond and hold your ground in dignity, grace, and truth.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wow, doglady, I can only say "well done". It sounds like DH is supportive of you, without jumping into the mixer, so that must be a huge comfort. I always feel like those with PD are self-inviters, who do not recognize and think they are entitled to our time as they deem they need.   
   
You state you told them "I do love you but I don't know what sort of functional relationship we can have. You can choose to do the work on thinking about that, because I've already laid out what I think you could try ... but you don't seem to be willing to do what I'm asking," To which they side-stepped and just wanted you to be 'friendly.'  Ya, blaming you for not being receptive to how they treat you.   

I think you summed that up nicely. It is not that you lack of love or are 'unfriendly'. They are just unable to see it, and the circular conversation and demanding examples is such a familiar routine. It sounds like you handled that extremely well. You were composed and communicated with clarity. Good job!   
     

[happygoat]

Good for you! I have not had to deal with that. Hell, I have a hard time when I get mail from them.  I quit reading it, but they are resourceful, well funded, and creative so manage to get in a few shots here and there.  Thank  you prayer and CPT. If I ever have to deal with what you did I hope I can maintain my dignity and boundaries as well as you did.

Happy Holidays,
Happygoat

[moglow]

My hat's off to you - I don't know that I'd have handled it nearly as well. Heck, I doubt I'd have even opened the door! I'm a past master at ignoring unwanted intrusions, granted it's easier when there's no one else in the house to consider.

I'm guessing they were counting on element of surprise, and that's all kinds of wrong in itself. It doesn't speak to any thoughts of resolution. There's a presumption that they somehow have rights to you and your home. Um No. They don't.

Rational reasonable people don't show up uninvited and unannounced, regardless of their agenda. Showing up anytime near the holidays just adds insult to injury, to me. If it matters at all, should they tell others/family of them dropping in like that "for a vist/talk" said others will likely be just as appalled. Holidays or not, blind siding others in this way isn't likely to end well.

[bee well]

How awful! I think I would have been shaking if I were in your shoes...

In spite of that you came through it  and you stood your ground through the gaslighting and guilt tripping. Good on you for not taking the bait.

The surprise element and acting like they fell from the clouds to all to pick up where they left off without apology, and acting like you were exagerrating...All of it is so transparent.

I can just hear it when "She said in this B-movie Joan Crawford horrified way, 'But I didn't say any of that, we always just loved you and thought you were fabulous.'"

Resisting all of that must be so empowering, at the end of it the unwelcome surprise turned out to be a gift after all!

Time for some well-deserved relax with your chosen dear ones...

[Leonor]

 

[Sneezy]

Wow, you handled this beautifully!  Good for you 

[Hilltop]

 

I am so happy for you.  You did great, honestly I would have been shaking and I don't think I could have shown the restraint and grace you showed during this.  They showed up unannounced and yet you held your composure, you didn't falter when they blamed you, repeatedly, you didn't stumble when they said they just wanted you to be 'friendly', again blaming you, telling you if you just acted differently all of this would go away, without any reflection on their part in it.  You remained composed and dignified and communicated yourself clearly.

I am sure this is the best Christmas gift they could give you at the moment because after this I am wondering if you feel that sense of self worth in yourself.  I read all of it and was cheering you on throughout all of it. 

What you wrote 'I said, 'I don't need to provide specifics, this was just what was happening generally. Are you saying you don't believe me?', this stood out for me.  I am going to write this down.  My parents do this as well, asking for specifics and denying things.  I have never thought to simply say don't you believe me, and put it back on them.  I am hoping if my parents challenge me in the future as yours did, I am hoping I am able to handle myself as you did. Well done.

[Cat of the Canals]

'yes, those sentiments are general in families, but the point is that if you want a family to be that way, there are things that need to be addressed.'

I literally cheered out loud at this. It's such a perfect way to respond to the "But we're fammmmmily!!!" nonsense.

Also, you deserve an award for remaining so calm and not taking any of their goal-post moving bait. You should absolutely feel proud of yourself.

[doglady]

Thanks so much everyone for all your support. It means more than you will ever know.

Even a year ago I would not have been able to stay calm, assert myself and stick to the topic without getting sidetracked. And I would have been shaking, sweating, going red, getting flustered, trying to fix things, doing all the emotional labour and feeling as frustrated as hell at their wilful refusal to acknowledge anything and simply communicate like adults, etc etc.

But I finally feel like the F in FOG has lifted. It's really gone. It used to be such a big part of my dealings with my parents, particularly my updM. When interacting with her I used to feel I was rapidly cycling through a horrible and sickening mixture of fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses, which would leave me feeling ill and disgusted with myself for allowing myself to get upset with her for days after. But now, that's all gone. I've noticed too what a huge payoff that's had in other areas of my life.

I can now respectfully let people when I'm not happy with their behaviours and also not be bothered if they have their feelings about that. I don't engage in any more people-pleasing and I let things be uncomfortable if they need to be. I am calmer in discussions. I can walk away from relationships for the sake of my mental health when necessary. I seem to finally have some guts. And funnily enough I also have far fewer gastrointestinal problems these days. No coincidences there! And I like myself much more, which for me is huge, having basically hated myself all my life, or at least feeling as if everyone did. At last I'm coming to really believe that I'm actually not that horrible 'child' my updM always said I was (and which she now conveniently and gaslightingly completely denies).

I did expect to feel really crappy in the following days but apart from some  sleeplessness the night after they were here, and some feelings of guilt about not being 'friendly' enough to the sad old lady, I'm ok. Of course, I've also felt some subsequent guilt about feeling ok, because all my memories and neutrons are telling me that it's not ok to feel ok about yourself if updM isn't also feeling wonderful because she hasn't got her own way. It might hit me later, of course, and I also predict some sort of serious 'illness' that she will manifest, which I will have somehow caused and which I'll also hear about from someone (updM having cunningly fed them the information) because I live in the same small local community. Sigh. But I'll deal with that if and when it happens rather than making myself ill with all the anticipatory stress I used to feel in the past.  I am under no illusions that I will not be allowed to 'get away' with this and she will throw something at me, but I really just don't care anymore.

I really think they both tried to pull every trick in the book when they visited and I could really see that's what was happening. There are quite a few other ploys I didn't mention, like their invoking siblings and other FMs and what they thought, which conveniently amounted to apparent denial of everything I'd ever said, along with how mean and uncaring I am being. But I just replied, 'well, none of them are here right now, so I'm not going to discuss with you anything any of them may - or may not - have said.' She said, 'well, we've tried to get them to visit you' to which I responded, 'don't bother, they will not be welcome' (which I presume they are well aware of, hence why they haven't ever bothered). This is another toxic technique of hers: set all sorts of shit in motion and then when it all inevitably goes pear-shaped pretend that you're trying just so hard to fix it!

I simply tried to stand back and observe. I kept thinking to myself what would a sensible and reasonable adult do here and then tried to respond accordingly, which they did not like at all. Hence their accusation of unfriendliness. This stems from every time I've been calm and rational with them in the past they turned into me being 'cold, 'uncaring' and 'nasty' - because apparently one can only show they care by screaming, raging or crying, which is what she used to drive me to when I was younger.

Anyway, moving on...my DH, DS and DD and I will be having a lovely Xmas dinner with some friends. It will be relaxed and non-toxic unlike the bad old days of us having to endure the awful Xmas lunches with FOO.

So, I won't have to be in the presence of enF and youngest bro endlessly complaining about the incessant photo sessions (while still continuing to take said photos at updM's behest), no middle sis whining in the kitchen that no one helps (while raging at anyone who does try to actually help), no updGCbro pontificating at length (while updM and enF raptly listen to his and updSIL's racist and sexist crap), no drinking heavily on my part to cope, no bizarre and heavily reframed reports from updM about how wonderful all the GC cousins are, no cold gravy. (As I'm sure you can tell, the  description of my FOO Xmases would be another extremely lengthy and head-shakingly ridiculous post of its own.)

And on Boxing Day I will simply stay home on my own and watch Netflix, read a book, eat some chocolate, go for a walk, and pat my two dear and very elderly canines while DH, DS and DD visit my toxic updMIL and lovely but enabling FIL. (updMIL has always taken the side of my parents through all of this, and has been totally fooled, as my updM is extremely skilled at presenting herself as the uncomprehending and saintly mother who simply loves everyone. Her dramatic and querulous refrain of: 'Am I really that terrible?'  - a rhetorical question if ever there was one). These two toxic old matriarchs often get on the blower to talk trash about their various noncompliant offspring and their terrible partners who've had the audacity to stand up and support said horrible children and challenge the almighty overlords' decrees. I know this because DH mentions it and also shuts upMIL down when she says anything about me. Anyway, these two poor old women can knock themselves out as far as I'm concerned. Their punishment is that they have to be them. And both of them also have multiple children, DILs and SonILs who don't talk to them.  Hmmm. Coincidence? I think not. I do have compassion for them  - it's a sad life for them - but I simply cannot be around either of them for the sake of my own health.

Anyway, I heartily wish for you all a very happy and relaxing Xmas wherever you are, and I hope that you can minimise the impact of FOO if you really have to be in their presence.

I know I've said it before but wouldn't it be great if we could all get together and have a party. It'd be a blast.

Anyway, thank you once again for your beautiful comments. You all totally get it, in a world where few do. You all rock!. 

[Hilltop]

Good for you. Christmas and Boxing Day sound like they are going to be great.  I thought it was interesting how you referred to it as being the F, fear that made you "shaking, sweating, going red, getting flustered, trying to fix things, doing all the emotional labour and feeling as frustrated as hell at their wilful refusal to acknowledge anything and simply communicate like adults,".  What you described is exactly how I am around my parents.  I still haven't gotten there yet, but I'm making progress and I can't wait until I get to the point as you say that you were able to think calmly and rationally and then reply. 

I am just so happy for you.  Your parents probably walked away confused saying "What just happened".  They are probably still trying to work out how to get around this, lol. They can't though.  Is there anything in particular which helped you getting rid of the fear factor?  Or was it simply time?

[doglady]

Good for you. Christmas and Boxing Day sound like they are going to be great.  I thought it was interesting how you referred to it as being the F, fear that made you "shaking, sweating, going red, getting flustered, trying to fix things, doing all the emotional labour and feeling as frustrated as hell at their wilful refusal to acknowledge anything and simply communicate like adults,".  What you described is exactly how I am around my parents.  I still haven't gotten there yet, but I'm making progress and I can't wait until I get to the point as you say that you were able to think calmly and rationally and then reply. 

I am just so happy for you.  Your parents probably walked away confused saying "What just happened".  They are probably still trying to work out how to get around this, lol. They can't though.  Is there anything in particular which helped you getting rid of the fear factor?  Or was it simply time?

Good question Hilltop.

Yes, time was an important factor. But crucially it was the time I allowed myself to be away from FOO and to not have to really worry about any form of contact (as they typically only try it on birthdays and Xmas). This gave me time to breathe and heal on my own terms. I think that's  really hard to do if one isn't NC. At least that's my experience.

I also took a good hard look at myself, a sort of inventory or stocktaking, so to speak, and really thought hard about what I needed to work on.

Among the many issues I have, I was able to identify that I'd often feel scared of challenging people or making my needs known for fear of how others might react. I actively decided to prioritise working on this one specific thing, so I didn't overwhelm myself with all the other things about myself that needed fixing.

I kept noticing my habitual 4F responses and commuted to daily seeking opportunities to practice respectfully asserting myself with others or state my boundaries, even though I felt panicky and horrible doing it. Over time, I got better at it and it came more naturally and I noticed fewer physical anxiety symptoms. I kind of felt the fear and did it anyway in the services of aligning with my long term values and in trying to value myself more as a person, rather than avoiding short-term discomfort and putting others' demands and feelings first as I'd previously been doing.

I also kept reminding myself that others are not above or below me and that my needs are important and that other people can have whatever feelings that want to have about that.

None of this has been easy, but I've just kept monitoring myself and trying to stay in the moment with mindfulness and acceptance and making a life practice of these new strategies. 

Russ Harris's The Happiness Trap was also really helpful me and I thoroughly recommend it.

Happy to chat any time about this. It's a journey!!

[doglady]

Oh, and I made a point of daily practising a calm breathing technique, too, of just slowing my breathing right down and silently counting and keeping my mouth shut and shoulders down (not up round my ears) - breathing in through my nose for a slow count of 4, and down into my belly and keeping it there for another count of 4, and then breathing out reaaaaallly slowly and gently for a count of 6-8, and repeating this about 10-20 times.

It seems really obvious that breathing would help, but making a point of doing it regularly gave me something to do and focus on in the moment and has helped calm a lot of the hyperventilation and other panic symptoms I was experiencing if I even thought about seeing my parents, let alone actually being in their presence.

[Hilltop]

Thanks that is really helpful to see how you have moved forward.  I will definitely look into 'The Happiness Trap'.  I am always happy for a new audiobook to listen to. 

I'm really happy for you that you've worked through these challenges.