Girding my loins

[Liketheducks]

Celebrating a Christmas this coming Sunday afternoon.    Had a back door flying monkey ambush through my teen son.   Son is graduating this spring.   He spent last Sunday with my brother.   Son wants a happy family Christmas meal with my FOO....such as it is.   I'm willing to play nice for a day, for son's sake.  Son gets it, but also has less experience with the manipulation. 
We have others coming to the dinner.   Friends with no experience with my FOO. 
My plan is to keep things LIGHT.  Not tolerating being cornered by my mom (bro's family wouldn't come unless she was invited.  She's accepted, but is starting her drama cycle via text already - this was a back door manipulation to get her in my presence and I know that).
Remind me of boundary setting sentences that work....
1. I'm sorry.....I'm in the middle of cooking right now, come join us in the kitchen.
2. This is not a great time to talk about that....with so many others here.   Let's revisit after the holidays.
3. That's enough....I'm not available for this conversation right now.   I'd like for you to leave?? 

[moglow]

My suggestion:
Smile and nod like you're listening to her and address a laughing welcoming something/ANYthing to someone over her shoulder. They're *all* your guests, not just her. She doesnt get to monopolize you. Remember you have to get the other gravy boats out, x to dish up, y that isn't quite heated through, z to find those special serving spoons for etc. When all else fails you need to nip to the facilities real quick and will be right back.

And again, you.have.guests. Can you get someone to run interference whenever you utter a code phrase?? I bet one of your friends would love to be of assistance!

[Fiasco]

Respectfully, the samples you give all open the door to negotiation. Not right now, then when? In the middle of cooking, you can take a break. Too many people here, but I'm not embarrassed to talk in front of them. And so on and so forth. I would find something that's polite but doesn't open any doors for argument. My personal favorite is no thank you.

Fiasco I want to talk about what you did. No thank you. We need to make plans. No thanks. I want to clear the air. No thank you! It doesn't even have to make a lot of sense, pd's aren't good listeners anyway. Fiasco you look old and fat. No thank you. Fiasco I don't like your tone, why are you so defensive? Say no thanks to all of it, and then move it along. Good luck to you, it's surely easier said than done.

[Cat of the Canals]

It always depends on what particular flavor your PD is, but one thing that often works with my PDmil is to make it about "social rules." If I told my PDmil, "We have guests. What you're doing right now is very rude." she would shut right up.

I'd also suggest consulting the Medium Chill guide. I have a copy printed out for phone calls... maybe you could write a few of your favorites on a notecard and keep it in your pocket, not necessarily to look at, but almost more as a "reminder." https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

[daughter]

My friends knew my FOO situation. At a milestone party, FOO and friends alike, NBM zeroed-in on fierce acquaintance-friend of mine, to introduce herself to someone not previously met, done so, as if The Queen is esteemed guest.  Pause, to which friend retorted: "oh, yes, I know of you".  From across room, I both cringed and discreetly snickered.  NBM had met her match. Stumped, NBM hurried away to shriek at me: "WHAT does she mean?  WHAT have you said to her?"  Well, this was friend who took me under-wing during my 1st brief 4-month long NC in my mid-40s. So this friend "knew" alright.

Yes, I wasn't ever forgiven for NBM's momentary flash of "truth exposure".  FOO Family Rule:  All their bad behavior, all abuse towards me, was never to be disclosed or discussed.

[Liketheducks]

Fiasco- excellent point!    Thank you.   She will definitely want to "clear the air".   I will definitely be a no thank you for that one.  Clearing the air in my FOO isn't what they think it means and is usually a woe is me.....let me put you in the persecutor part of the drama triangle while I assume my victim chair.   No thank you, indeed
Last time she was round she lingered outside in the rain for me to join her....having my brothers come in as I was cooking to let me know she was waiting...as if I needed to genuflect in the rain before she would grace our home with her presence.   I just told bros.....I'm not leaving the gravy just now.   Let her know to come in when she's ready. 

Daughter- I giggled at your response.   The other friends would be friends of our son.   Last time we had folks around with mom, it was "why is she acting so weird".

[SunnyMeadow]

Please post an update after the get together on Sunday!

[Liketheducks]

Well....I'm SO out of practice.   

Overall the gathering went pretty well.   But, the I walked into a trap - that I SHOULD have seen coming a mile away.

SIL is M's major flying monkey.   SIL is also from a Brazil.   She has a very loose concept of being on time for anything.   She can be wonderful....and she can be wonderfully manipulative.    Told SIL we'd eat around 3 and to come early....we usually like to cook together.   She said she'd be there at 1:30.   Told mom they were coming at 1:30.     Mom shows up at 2pm.....SIL doesn't arrive until 4 - with numerous text messages to apologize.   Whatever.   SIL knows I have carefully avoided being one on one with Mom since mom moved out and then told everyone that I had kicked her out.   She's still looking to punish me over that 5 yrs later.   I handled it, but it was super awkward at first.    I should have seen that coming a MILE away.   

A little back story.....When left home for college, mom gave me a spatula to take with.   This was a big deal.   We were living in a tent camper at the time, and traveling from campsite to campsite.   We were essentially homeless.   The spatula was one thing she could give me from "home".     And, it is a really good spatula.    It followed me on every move for the next nearly 30 THIRTY yrs.       When mom moved out 5 yrs ago.....she did some pretty passive aggressive things.   She boxed up all her pictures of me (baby and otherwise) and left them with a nasty note.    She took a few things that weren't hers.....nothing major.   She left the gift my son had given her for Christmas - causing confusion and sadness for him.   And she took the damn spatula.   It hadn't been hers for 30 yrs.

So, I've avoided being one on one with her because I wanted to avoid the zingers.    And, my go to is a fawn response with her.   30 seconds after arriving she was unpacking and handed me the spatula.   She said, "Someone told me that when I took this, it upset you.....and I would never do something like that.....I had no idea it was your symbol of independence".      For a split second, I started to tear up a bit.....but I kept it under control.   I was never a symbol of independence for me.   It was a symbol of what I viewed as my mother's love and pride that I was going off to college.    She took it then because she KNEW it would bother me.   I took the spatula, said thank you, and started using it to flip food.   I know from experience, that it isn't worth letting her know that this bothers/bothered me.  I feel a little silly for being upset over it at all.   She did it to get a response and didn't get one.    It just makes me sad and a little hurt that a person's mother would set an intention to cause their child any pain.     I'm not a child anymore.   I can feel safe within my ability to weather little zingers without going back to that place where I am 10 and hiding under the dining table.   It just makes me sad.   What did she hope to gain by that?    All in all, it was pretty mild compared with what it could have been.   I'm grateful for that.   

Duty done for another year.   

[SunnyMeadow]

Symbol of independence?    Unbelievable.

You really handled it well and didn't give her a chance for further discussion! My mother also likes to think up ways to give me pain. I like to watch her when I give no reply or completely change the subject with a raised eyebrow at her. She knows I just caught her being a &$%# and sometimes she gets flustered 

Enjoy the peace until next time!

[moglow]

Dear Lord. I'd have been hard pressed to not give her a baffled look and just drop the spatula in the sink for a wash. Symbol of independence, indeed. So what was her point in walking off with it? Petty b.s.

I applaud you, really. Sounds like you handled it well and thankfully that's DONE!