Dating

[Breadroll]

I have started to date decade older retired guy, for about three months. We have shared hobby, and get on well.  However, I have some doubts  about it. He expressed that he doesn't always want to pay -and talked about an ex who expected this. As an independent  sort, fine by me- which means I picked up the bills recently, but Covid related employment issues- I really can't afford this at the moment, and I feel a bit awkward. Secondly, I recently had a minor " award" in a niche area, and was happy when notified. He was quite strange, said he didn't know what that was, and it wasn't why he was going out with me. I was left with the jmpression he thought I was " over promoting" self- and even bought up the subject again to the same reaction. .  Is it some kind of issue for him?  As I need to work,I feel undermined by the attitude. At the same time I wonder- am I being too sensitive?   He is otherwise kind, somewhat eccentric.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow.  Super red flag for me.

I can to some large extent understand the not wanting to pay thing.  But that he wants to not pay AND does not want to be interested in your success are huge together.

It seems he is wanting it all on his terms.  He wants to invest as little as possible and only wants to engage in things that are the reason he is dating.

I can guess what that might be.   If you are wanting a casual relationship that leads to why he is dating then fine, however if you want someone truly interested in you as an individual and someone who will laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry this is not you guy.

That he could not even act interested and supportive but cut you off twice when discussing your success suggests to me he might be a petty tit for tat person who will easily become jealous and perhaps even undermining or sabataging going forward.

If you have traditional ideas about roles between men and women this is not your man either.  He is clearly showing he is not a provider.  Especially if he is still wanting expensive dates.  It you don't want the expense suggest coffee instead if dinner and see how he reacts.

If someone I just met for the first time said they had one an award, I would be curious as to what for anf what the nature of the project was, and how hard and how long etc.  I would be interested in their accomplishment that was important to them.  Who doesn't like good news and happy outcomes?

[j.banquo]

To me these could either be red flags as mentioned above, or evidence that he has been in a lot of relationships with people who have totally steamrolled him and is being cautious.

I know a guy just like that; he's pre-occupied with not paying from the other direction (doesn't want to receive gifts since they've almost always been used to manipulate him), and is so used to people close to him wanting him to only care about their lives and interests, he was sometimes weird when I shared mine at first. When it became clear that I was interested in things about him just because of him, and didn't want to force my interests on him, different story.

There were other interactions we had that made it clear over time that he was wary, not self-absorbed.

Maybe a way to put it is a dismissive narcissist and someone afraid of dismissive narcissists can look the same, especially since you've only known someone a few months. The only thing to do is ask directly.

If he can't engage about it, then that's a definite red flag in my opinion, no matter where he's coming from.

[Breadroll]

Thank you for your feedback- I feel rather embarrassed about awkwardness of it all- hardly a teenager snd still struggling with this stuff.  I think i need to back off a bit - and have probably waded in too quickly, sigh.  Need to grant  myself permission to set boundaries...not my forte!

[j.banquo]

Thank you for your feedback- I feel rather embarrassed about awkwardness of it all- hardly a teenager snd still struggling with this stuff.  I think i need to back off a bit - and have probably waded in too quickly, sigh.  Need to grant  myself permission to set boundaries...not my forte!

If you knew what I was going through personally with this kind of stuff... no need to feel embarrassed.

FWIW, almost all of what I see in the dating world is extremely dysfunctional. People meet online, and within usually two weeks they are dating. The number of people I have backed away slowly from... it's alarming.

Multiple times, I've set a hard boundary within the first month when someone goes all weird and exits reality, and then I back away more and say "hey, this isn't healthy, probably not a good match, but I really like spending time with you, give me a couple weeks, I'd really like to be friends," they say "you've taught me so much about healthy relationships," and whatever else, and when I contact them two weeks later - silence, forever. Lol... okay.

They "should be" embarrassed, people who jump into a fantasy and are disappointed to find a genuine friend, not someone like you who's actually engaging with reality.