Reaching a point of feeling done with it

[Hilltop]

I remember years ago I reached a point with covert NMIL where I was simply emotionally done.  I went NC for many years and reached a point of detachment that has stayed with me since then.  I was emotionally done after a particularly hurtful thing she did.  It was the best thing for me.  I can now be around her now although I keep that at a handful of times a year and I just don't care enough to be bothered by her.

With my parents seem to be NPD on some level although I find it hard to pinpoint it.  My MIL was textbook covert, my mother seems to be a mix of communal/covert.  I have had a lot of intellectual aha moments but somewhere inside of me that emotional part, hope, is still there.  I have come to realise that with that hope still present, detachment for me is impossible.  I have been watching a few you tube videos about the family system, the scapegoat, trauma bonds etc.  My mother seems to be doing a silent treatment and its pushed me into just feeling splat against the floor.  This is new for her. There is no reason for this silent treatment, no argument.  It seemed to occur out of nowhere.  Yes I have stopped reacting and lowered my contact but I am pleasant whenever I did have contact. Intellectually I get it why she would react to my not reacting but emotionally I am starting to get it, still a little confused, mostly I just feel done, exhausted. I see that these issues have been going on for the past 30 years, ongoing hurtful behaviours with no end in sight.  I think it's just going to continue on for another 20  years until they die, then I'll be left out of the will, have to get over that hurt and then heal and then I might be able to relax.  How old will I be then probably late 70's or 80's.  So what I might have 5 years of peace before lights out or never. I kind of see now that if I have not learned to be ok with the behaviours in the past 30 years then it's not likely I will be ok in the future with continued contact with my parents.  Its the continued hurtful actions that are pushing me down.

I just feel emotionally exhausted, done.  I am worn out, I keep thinking that I simply can't do this anymore.  I am having mild panic attacks,  my mental health is fragile and I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to beat myself so far down that I lose myself in this.  I think that even if my mother suddenly decides to communicate normally again, which at some point no doubt she will, of course with no mention of doing the silent treatment, the stress it has caused has taken its toll.  Then what, what will be next.  I simply cannot do this anymore.  Staying in any sort of communication with them keeps me off balance, I feel like I am losing my mental health over this.  If I walk away, give up, at least I can work on peace for myself and having a life with no drama, allowing love back in, it simply feels lighter to think about it.

So has anyone reached the 'I can't do this anymore'.  I don't even think it's about NC.  I think its about me giving up hope.  I think I finally feel that its not going to get any better.  My parents do things which are hurtful, say things which are hurtful, say things which are invalidating.  Yes I want a close loving family but I also see that my family is separate to that.  What I want and what I have are two very different things.  I use to mingle that thought but now I see it's separate.  I think part of my hope was that as we all aged we would mellow and that we would start interacting normally or as adults would.  This hasn't happened and isn't going to happen.  We are all well and truly adults now.  I was selling myself a fantasy.

I don't want to be a part of this family system anymore.  After listening about the family systems and trauma bonds I get how hard it is to walk away.  But I also no longer want to stay, my heart is so squashed, the relationship so fractured. I think my mother doing the silent treatment may have just killed my hope.  There isn't anything there, I don't feel I have anything left to give.  If she can't come and talk to me now at her age of early 70's, then this dysfunction is not going anywhere, its set. Even if I want the close loving family I don't want it with them.  That whole idea is simply done with. They have shown so much contempt, mockery and any nice times are not enough now to balance the hurt and I also realise that the intermittent nice/bad behaviour is how trauma bonds are created and how bad they are.  I want to protect myself from that.

So for those that reached the 'I can't do this anymore' and feeling completely wiped out with nothing left to give, what happened next for you?

[daughter]

Me, I quit in my mid-50s, for same reasons, a decade ago, at advice of therapists.  No regrets. No nostalgia.

Very rational decision, finally implemented for my own self-preservation, knowing this to be blatant intentional abuse. I had exhausted my highly-developed coping skills, and lost my willingness to allow it.  NC action well past-due: 4 different therapists, 4 different decades, always same advice. 

[Hilltop]

Thanks Daughter, I do feel that my coping skills are simply no longer working.  I'm glad you are in a better place.

One good thing about this silent treatment is I am getting time to think and gain some clarity.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I was simply emotionally done after receiving very blatant emotional abuse and lack of care from both my own parents and my MIL. It was two separate times, and the outward circumstances and words were different, but it was the exact. Same. Thing. I was being punished for daring to (politely!) question their actions, and that punishment was absolute, extremely cruel, and batshit crazy. There ain't nothing one can do with that, except disengage. And then when I did, the abuse chased me. Your situation seems more subtle, but it's only different in degree it seems. Before I tried to bring things out into the light, my situation was more like yours, with unexplained periods of being out of favor, without ever really being "in," trying so damn hard to please them and feeling like a disappointment, although such words were rarely said directly. Being exhausted or feeling hyper caffeinated after every interaction without really being able to point to one thing that identified a clear problem. There were the invalidating comments for sure, but that alone didn't seem like "enough" to warrant my reactions, and I'd been so trained to discount my feelings I didn't really understand that I was reacting so or that they were that bad. I just knew it was difficult.

You know in your soul what I didn't: You cannot fix this. Your mother cannot have a loving and peaceful relationship with you, and being around her has been and can only continue to be a source of suffering. You have every right to have room for peace and joy. You can make room for loving relationships. A wound that is continually reopened will not heal.

It sounds like you know what you want for your next steps, which is just to let it be and let her go. Unless you are asking for the practical how do you do that side? How to respond/not respond when she inevitably gets bored with this silent treatment?

[notrightinthehead]

Killing off the hope was the absolute hardest part for me. I am an eternal optimist and had great resistance to giving up hope.  When I finally admitted to myself that I could not fix the relationship I fell in a deep hole. Therapy and attending CoDA meetings helped me climb out. Almost 4 years no contact. Not all days are happy but I would never go back to the way it was.

[Starboard Song]

So for those that reached the 'I can't do this anymore' and feeling completely wiped out with nothing left to give, what happened next for you?

My in-laws had repeated yet again -- six months into a crisis --  that they wanted no relationship with us at all, but only to maintain one with our teenager son. We informed them that the situation we were in had become unhealthy for us as a family. We were therefore blocking them on all forms of communication, and denying them any further access to any member of our family. There would be no a la carte access to our son by those who say they never again want a relationship with us.

After that date, we bumped into them from time to time, and I met once with my FIL in an unproductive three hour session to identify any common view of the world at all.

That was about 6 years ago. I have not really accepted it. It feels to me like a failure: I will always believe it is my job to make every relationship work. I know that is untrue, but am willing to admit to my emotional beliefs. That said, they are well shut from our lives and there is value in that. We did the hard, necessary thing to allow ourselves to thrive.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Hilltop. What happened next for me when I reached the "I cannot do this anymore" point is I went No Contact. I did not explain to anyone. I just stopped calling. I blocked them on social media. There was silence for several weeks because they were not calling me either.  It was peaceful and calm, sort of like the calm after a storm blows through. I knew it was odd my FOO was not calling, but I just let it be.  I have never felt so good. I felt light, peaceful and sure.   
     
After a few weeks, my FOO started calling. It was a trickle at first, then they called every day. Chaos seemed swirling but I did not return the calls. I blocked my phone, and messages piled up. I occasionally listened to the messages, and they were angry, blameful, and pleading for me to call because they would feel so much better. I however had never felt so good, so was firm in boundary. 
       
I believe it is truly just knowing in your heart, mind and soul that "you just can't do it anymore". I think you can even feel it physically when you get to that point. I cannot rationally explain it any other way. I have no regrets. I feel like I saved myself. 

[Hilltop]

Call me Cordelia yes my MIL was very blatant in what she did even though it typically fit the covert style it was so over the top that in the end I had no problem with walking away.  My mother is more subtle and like you say its a constant feeling of feeling like I am not 'in' within the family, that is something I have felt a long time, I feel contempt for me within the family even as far out as cousins.

Notrightinthehead - yep the hope or that part inside that holds on, is so hard to let go of.  I realise now this is what I am struggling with.

Starboard Song - I am glad you were able to detach however I am sorry you haven't really accepted it.  Even though it has been hard I am glad to hear you have found positives as well and that you have been able to balance those emotions.

Blueberry Pancakes  - I think you had what I had with my MIL where it is just so sure inside that it is simply final.  It is a great place to be because the detachment is so concrete.  I definitely feel physically done and I have also had moments of feeling like I need to save myself.

I was watching Dr Ramani you tube video on What happens to scapegoats in adulthood and she mentions that sometimes, not often, the emotional hurt can end up turning into narcissistic traits or victimhood.  This stood out to me because lets face it, hurt people hurt.  I guess it just made me aware that if I continue when I am feeling like I can't cope anymore then I am at risk of having narcissistic traits or becoming a permanent victim you know as in 'why is this happening to me', 'everyone is out to get me'.  She did have a lot of other positive things to say about SG's and as she said it is unfortunate that this can occur if people don't heal themselves, those criticisms/neglect/abuse from childhood can eventually harm people in adulthood in pretty major ways.  So not that I am at that point but over the past year I have noticed that I have been prone to angry outbursts and that isn't how I want to live.  I don't want to become that angry bitter person.

After listening about family systems and how they operate, I really don't want to be a part of that.  I guess I may not reach that concrete disengagement that I did with my MIL but it appears from reading here that that is ok.  I have been trying to work on healing from my parents criticisms and contempt and now I realise that this is never ending.  So I am now going to work on letting go of that feeling of needing them as well as self esteem. I think I will do what most of you have done in NC to give myself that space to fully disengage.  I feel slight fear in doing this but the alternative is ongoing difficulty and I simply don't want to do that anymore. I can't remember the last time I saw them in person when it was a positive experience.  I don't want that negativity in my life and that is something I am sure of.

Once again this forum has cleared my head, it really has been a life saver as I work my way through this.  So thank you, I really appreciate it.

[Lillith65]

In 2018 after many decades of being the scapegoat and emotionally abused by my FOO I finally reached the point of not being able to continue.

After I made it clear to my sister what my boundaries were regarding my mother's move to within a mile of my home my mother finally called me, screamed abuse at me, told me that I was dead to her and to stay away from her and my sister.

I took her at her word and have not been in touch with either of them since.

I am mainly relieved and life is much more peaceful.  However I do have episodes of guilt and thoughts of 'what if', I often end up turning off the radio or TV if it is dealing with mother daughter relationships and I am uneasy about how I will feel after her death (she is over 80). But I had no choice but to protect myself given my physical and mental health.

[Hilltop]

Hey Lillith65 I am sorry you were screamed at and told that you were dead to her.  That rejection is harsh.

[Lillith65]

Thank you.

I can barely remember the conversation - just the 'highlights' and where it happened.

It did give me the 'permission' to go NC though.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I also have found Dr. Ramani's videos helpful. I think another aspect of feeling done with it is feeling like a script had already been written for me where regardless what I did, I would fail. You mention having angry outbursts, and I did too. After, I would feel so embarrassed. I felt like I had so much repressed anger, it would  leak out in inappropriate ways. I could see the pattern, I just did not know what to do with it. 
   
A lifetime of accepting less for myself and feeling like I was on this earth to be the supporting role in someone else's storyline was not the life I wanted. My family did not seem happy with me any other way. My life did not feel like my own. When I voiced any opposing views, my family would tell me they did not know the person I was turning into and that I was difficult. Sigh.

I agree that healing from these dynamic can be a lifelong journey. I think the key aspect is that we are healing, we are growing, and we are expanding into the fullness of who we are. I think you can do things you deem needed, then step back to assess, and tweak as needed. When you can get to the place where you see your own growth and have peace, you must be on a good path.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Blueberry Pancakes, yes the repressed anger does leak out.  I agree that it's like a script and no matter what happens it ends up being wrong or at the failing end.  It took me a long time to see the pattern.

I'm sorry you have gone through a similar thing.  I'm glad you have worked and are working through it.  I agree that things can be tweaked as we go along.  I am finding that as I have more distance from my parents there is less stress, I am now more recently able to step back and recognise emotions and think about it more clearly so I do see this as a good path so far.  More interestingly I have noticed that I am more easily able to make decisions for myself again without so much doubt and insecurity.  Even deciding on simply things would stress me however lately I am able to think clearly about what I want and make decisions more clearly.  I don't feel 100% great about how things have ended up but I can't deny that life is easier and less stressful.

I haven't heard from my mother at all.  I would usually be worried about this but now I seemed to have let it go.  It is simply one more thing in our relationship that is difficult.  There is no part of me that wants to reach out or mend anything or fix anything.  I found it really hard to be around them and not feel any emotional connection and be hurt by their words or actions, it was so hard.  It was exhausting.  Being away from that feels very protective for myself.  Yes its disappointing for this relationship to be this way but showing up and talking about superficial topics could still lead to hurtful words or actions and that is simply not worth it to me.  I just feel panic inside at the thought of seeing them, so for me it's done.  I don't want to continue trying to find a way of not being hurt by them because so far I haven't found that miracle and it's simply led to me being stressed, anxious and upset in a pattern that has lasted well over 30 years. My focus is now on healing and I feel good about that.  It's nice to finally feel good about life and what's going on after being stressed for so long. 

I hope everyone continues along a path that works for them.  It felt like it took so long to get to this point and I'm sure there is a ton of healing work still to be done but it's nice to know I am now protecting myself from new hurt.  It's nice to know I am doing that for myself.  This forum has certainly been a major help in getting me here, so thank you all.

[Hilltop]

Update:

I feel like I have reached a point where I can see it as 'it is what it is'.  I see my relationship with my parents as difficult and they appear to feel the same way about me.  In the past I've given it a lot of thought and part of me thinks that it would be possibly shameful to admit you don't like your child so getting that child to act out is easier because then you can point and say 'see that's why I don't like that child'.  I also think with some NPD traits they seem to like putting others down, criticising them etc.  I also think some people are emotionally immature and can't handle emotions and so they can't handle children and their emotional needs which then lasts into adulthood.  I also think there are things I probably did or said along the way which could have been handled better.  I think I needed to learn to emotionally regulate myself and soothe myself. I also don't think I can move forward with my parents because they continue to criticise and mock me and this is something I won't tolerate any longer. 

I simply don't feel that I can connect with my parents and whilst that is unfortunate, I wish that were different, it is what it is.  I actually feel like I have let go, it's a long time coming.  I am not going to try to have a relationship with them any more, I am not going to go NC either.  I will send a birthday text and Christmas text and that is it.  Whatever they make of that, is up to them.  I will do that as I want to keep the door open in case one day they find a genuine voice.  I do not have any hope that will happen but I am comfortable with a couple of texts a year and that's it.  I don't have any anger with the situation.  I am ready to move on.  It seems the kindest option if we have a difficult relationship is to let it go and not try to force something that simply isn't working.  I remember asking them if they wanted to have a monthly dinner and they said no, it was too much for them.  It speaks volumes to how they feel about a relationship and although I couldn't accept that before, I can now.

I now want to look to the future.  I am going to make sure that any future relationships I have are healthy ones, I am not going to tolerate any more negativity. I have walked away from a lot of toxic family members and I now enjoy healthy friendships. I am looking forward to getting on with my life and enjoying it.  Making plans for hobbies etc.  I have given enough years to being hurt, being confused, feeling like I have to stay in this relationship, that I didn't have a choice.  I do have a choice with how I spend my time and I will not be spending any more of my time with PD relationships.  I really see now that I can't fix this, I can't change it.  I get that and I see it as it is what it is.  It just feels good to put it all in the background and look at what I want to do to enjoy my life.

[SunnyMeadow]

This is sounds very hopeful Hilltop. I think you've come to a good realization. Focusing on the positive and good relationships in your life is a great thing.

Here's to moving on! 

[Hilltop]

Thanks SunnyMeadow, it feels great to be moving on.