Is It Possible Not To Be Affected By Manipulation?

[j.banquo]

Edit: to be clear, I'm worried here about this affecting me to the extent of serious financial or health consequences. Really, really bad ones. I don't know what the amount of risk is, honestly, but the acceptable amount is none. Clearly the answer then is to get out yesterday, but that would also trigger the bad consequences I know the risk of, and that probably shouldn't happen either.

I spent a couple hours having dinner with my parent a couple nights ago. Normally I live next door, but I was staying elsewhere.

I think that even though I was aware of and anticipated the weird things they'd do, plus spent time afterwards thinking about the whole interaction, it still ended up affecting me negatively.

Something is. It could be:

1) Coming home to stay at my place last night, and still being there
2) The overall effect of my interaction with her
3) A few especially disturbing things she said, like one that could be a threat, but it's impossible for me to find out if it is

Thoughts?

[moglow]

You can be unaffected by *attempts* at manipulation, but it takes time and effort on your part. Soundslike you were on guard and wary, which is understandable. You have/had expectations going in and that's never easy. Separating yourself from established behavior patterns -yours and theirs- is a process that doesn't happen overnight.

As you separate yourself from them and any semblance of dependence on them, you'll feel that shift.

[j.banquo]

I have my answer, I think: yes, I will be affected by attempts at manipulation as long as the person still has ways to hurt me.

Even if I'm totally conscious of what's happening, it of course doesn't stop my being affected by weird threatening statements.

[mary_poppins]

Yes it is possible. But, if the manipulator is your parent, i don't see that happening. Why? We've been under the manipulator's shoes all our lives so to un-learn that (and let ourselves be unbothered by it) is pretty difficult. I have met people who were manipulative with me but, I wasn't as affected as I am by mother or siblings. As soon as I discover that a person I know uses manipulation to get something out of me, I run. Really fast.
It's a different story with family. Sure, you can run from them too but to let yourself to be unbothered by them is quite a challenge.

[j.banquo]

The answer does appear to be no if you're unable to maneuver yourself into a position where they can't get to your possessions, mail, anything... it turns out. Yikes.

[Hilltop]

If you move away they shouldn't be able to get at your possessions or mail.  Have a lock on your mail etc.  Don't give them a key or ask them to house sit etc.  They should not have access to your possessions or mail and that is something you can control.

As for manipulation, I think with people not close to us, its easier to recognize and walk away from.  Our parents, they have known us their whole lives and have implanted the triggers, they know exactly which button to push to get to us.

Getting to a stage where you have disengaged emotionally from them, then yes, I suppose the manipulation would not bother you as much but that's a hard place to get to.  I'm not saying it is impossible but I am not there yet.

I have the same thing where I have come to realize I can't control any meetings I have with my parents and walk away after seeing them feeling negative.  Distance helps but at this stage I can't imagine being in the presence again, I now anticipate those weird moments and at this point  I don't feel like I want to engage with that.  Its tough.

[j.banquo]

If you move away they shouldn't be able to get at your possessions or mail.  Have a lock on your mail etc.  Don't give them a key or ask them to house sit etc.  They should not have access to your possessions or mail and that is something you can control.

You're absolutely right, I just want to make sure that my meaning comes through here, I didn't explain properly.

I suppose I don't only mean emotionally or psychologically, I mean affect as in create problems that didn't exist before, affecting my free time, stress level, ability to function, making me miss deadlines...



Before I was able to move away, after planning seriously for months and casually for years, even insisting that I wasn't (and there wasn't any evidence I was), I did everything I could to make sure something like this wouldn't happen. I had a plan, and a timeline, I'd brainstormed with my friends, and two therapists.

But, they overnight took away my housing, control over everything I owned that was in my apartment, my pets, my mail, my right to an address at all.

They know, though, that my income is so low, and parts of my credit report so bad for just one more year, that no one would rent to me. I've tried. They even think they derailed my attempt to purchase a house. I'd told them for years how hard, because of things outside of my control, it would be for me to not live there; to live anywhere without that specific apartment they control.



So what I'm saying is, no, no matter what I did, even to maneuver myself into a position of safety, which I did, wasn't enough.

If they want to manipulate me by doing something like lying to the SSA, saying I'm in fact working, cutting off my income stream or endangering it, they can still do that, even.

They're going after people I've had to hire to solve the problems they've created (like how to make sure I maintain control of things like my passport and social security card). I've even tried to structure things so that they won't know who I'm hiring, so they wouldn't go after them.

They could out me publicly, and I'd have to scramble to find a way to deal with it gracefully, but I'd still always have to worry about death threats and violence after that.

They don't care about the problems they're creating and the effects of those, they care about creating urgent problems so I have no time for my obligations, responsibilities, or relationships.



So by yesterday, I started thinking of this post as a warning to others - despite your best efforts, if they want to, they'll find a way to do it.

If you have any vulnerabilities that anyone who knows you could exploit, especially ones that it's very difficult to protect yourself around, you can't get into a position where you aren't affected by it.

I'm so affected emotionally and psychologically by not being able to fulfill my commitments, and the stress from the overload of things I have to worry about, and what the things are, I'm affected almost just the same.