Hi,

[Olive]

I'm in a good space in my life, but at 67, I'm more mellow, I know the things I won't recover from and those that have healed.  I am diagnosed with anxiety but probably qualify with PTSD and some other stuff. 

My root issues stem from my parents.  For example, My mother took me to live with a relative when I was 13, and for the entire drive, she told me she could never love me.  It wasn't my fault because she was unable to get out of bed after my birth and my father beat my sister, under two, so that she was lame for the rest of her life.  I thought it was a chance to prove my worth and when I made good grades and everyone loved me she would love me.  That didn't happen but my younger sister missed me and wanted me to move back home, which I did at the end of the year.  Of course, a withdrawn, bitter child was awkward in a healthy family.  My cousin (my exact age) suggested I learn to say, "Just Kidding," whenever I said something, but she was loved and had wonderful friends.  I was not 'family'.  When I told my great-aunt I wanted to move back home she cried, her face twisted into a horrified expression and I wanted to tell her I would stay, but I was too rigid to change my mind. 

My older sister was sent to live with my grandmother who had a daughter her exact age.  My grandmother was a verbally abusive alcoholic and her daughter had unexpected bursts of violence.  To make matters worse, my sister was expelled from school because this aunt reported her to the school saying she didn't live there and was going to school out of the district.  She was homeless after that. I was supporting my younger sister when I was 16 while my brother was in the Vietnam War.

I would describe my mother as a malignant narcissist, bipolar disorder and myself as the scapegoat.  Every member of my immediate family has confirmed that she really didn't like me.  My father had psychotic breaks.  My stepmother kept a loaded gun in the nightstand and told him he wouldn't know when it was coming if he ever hit her again.  She painted all the dressers black with sunflowers that had skulls in the middle of each one.  In the living room, one wall was filled with coo coo clocks and the other was filled with antique dolls that looked eerily alive.  She had both of her legs amputated and claimed the dolls were always watching him.  (The clock would drive you out of the house at midnight with the noise.)

It was really painful when I was young, I cried all the time.  I lived 1500 miles away from my family and I wondered why iI couldn't just put it out of my head.  People ridiculed my eratic behavior, I cried at television commercials and if there was a problem I quickly jump to accuse innocent people.  Since I was a high school dropout, my understanding of cultural norms was delusional. It's a wonder that I kept my job and managed to work my way up. 

I've been married for 35 years now, which certainly had lots of issues.  I don't speak to his family.  I try to keep a social presence but mostly I avoid getting close to people because it's better to accept a gullible hillbilly role than defend myself.  I had a pit bull who died recently.  While he was alive, I was constantly being accused of letting him run loose and people went to all sorts of extremes to prove that.  There is a shelter that specializes in Pitt bulls nearby and lots of Pitties around here. My mother is 90 now, she lives with my sister, 1500 miles away.  I talk to my sister fairly often which has been therapeutic, although she's on full disability for being delusional. My younger sister, the golden child, died after a life of homelessness and addiction.  My brother has made a life for himself but struggles with depression.

I feel pretty good about myself and my life, but I would like to have a community where I could be myself.

Best regards,
Olive

[Worthy of Care]

Olive,
I want you to know that I read your post. I feel sad for the deep pain you have experienced. Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[WonderGirl]

Oh Olive, this is your place. You will be heard and valued here. I am only a couple of years younger than you, but have had a similar life course. I wasn't able to marry until I was in my 40's, and even then my NPDm has done everything she could to ruin it. I do believe living far away from her has saved me. My GCb lives with her, doesn't work, ostensibly "cares" for her, but really spends his time drinking.

It's so very sad. But I am glad you are here.

WG

[Olive]

Thank you so much for welcoming me.  I was afraid to look back because it sounds so whiney and what else could I want.  Maybe just to feel like I won't slip up.. Thanks

[bee well]

Hi Olive,

Welcome!

Thanks for telling your story, and having the courage to share the details.  You condensed volumes into paragraphs, which I think for most of us isn't an easy task.

Courage is a word that often come into my mind when I read so many the stories here, because it takes a lot of it to translate difficult thought and memories into words.

I'm sorry you have had to endure the chaos of generational dysfunction. I know that was awful. Whiny is not a word I would use to describe a person who writes the way you do.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your beloved Pittie.

I'm glad, though, to hear that you are at a place where you are accepting your difficult history, and feel good about yourself. That's a great accomplishment. It shouldn't have to be an accomplishment, but it is!

Again, welcome. I look forward to seeing you on the forum.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello Olive,

Thank you for what you posted.

Healing is such a complex journey and I do think that folks who have been through these things with family members understand it in a way that others probably can't.

I am glad you are here.

I am NC with my FOO and I have found this forum to be a good place to learn and share and support one another.

We live in a society where people don't really understand the damage done by personality disorders in a family. But the folks here understand.

Welcome.

Trees