Elderly in-laws refusing any help

Sneezy · December 13, 2021, 03:51:49 PM

My uHMIL has taken a turn for the worse. She has dementia and has gotten to the delusional stage. It is so very sad to see. She is also angry and even somewhat aggressive. She will often lock herself in a room or hide because she is afraid. And then turn around and threaten FIL.

But surprisingly, MIL is not the real problem. It's enabling-FIL. For 60 years, he has enabled MIL's behavior. I think FIL has a form of dementia, also, although he has not been diagnosed. He can't make a decision. Or maybe it's more accurate to say he won't make a decision. He refuses to do one single, solitary thing to help himself. Instead, he calls my DH (who, like me, was raised to be the dutiful child). FIL will vent and complain. DH has consulted with an attorney, has looked into the forms required for guardianship, has offered to fly to his parents' house several states away and drive them back to our house with their dog and all their crap and let them live with us until we find memory care for his mom. DH has offered this and several other solutions. And FIL agrees, but then always changes his mind and comes up with reasons why the agreed-upon solutions won't work.

But, honestly, enabling-FIL is not the only problem. The other problem is DH's siblings and other relatives and even my in-laws' neighbors. They call and text and tell us they are concerned and that DH "must do something." It's becoming a non-stop refrain. Everyone looks to DH and sees that he is the oldest son and the dutiful child and they expect him "to do something." Well, what can he do? FIL is of sound mind. DH can't make him do anything. I am tired of DH spending so much time and energy trying to help and coming up with solution after solution that keeps getting shot down, all while the friends and neighbors and relatives around us keep hammering home that DH "MUST DO SOMETHING!!!" Believe me, if he could, he would.

The only thing I can come up with is boundaries. Whatever is going on here, it feels like manipulation to me, and the solution to manipulation is boundaries.

Any advice on how to help a spouse in this situation? I'd like to tell all the family and friends and neighbors to leave DH alone, but I know they are genuinely concerned and mean well. Other ideas?

Cat of the Canals · December 13, 2021, 05:04:29 PM

Well, one way might be to go through the list of (mostly well-meaning) Flying Monkeys and block anyone you don't have "normal" conversations with. i.e. If Aunt Martha ONLY ever calls to tell your husband, "You have to DO something!" she's earned herself a place on the block list. It won't entirely eliminate the problem, but I can't imagine he's on regular speaking terms with all of these people. So stop giving them access.

For the others, it's broken record time: "I've tried, but as long as my dad is of sound mind, my hands are tied. And honestly, this topic only causes me anxiety. I'd like to talk about something else."

Andeza · December 13, 2021, 05:15:12 PM

I'd be tempted every time somebody said "do something" to say back "They (in-laws) won't let us help, and no means no after all!" or "They won't let us help them, and we don't feel like kidnapping anybody." or "Legally, we can't." or "We've done everything we legally can at this point."

The point being that there's genuinely nothing you guys can legally do, and I'd start waving that under the noses of everybody who utters those words. If you want to be more... direct?... I suppose you could say "We've done everything we can already, what are you doing about it?"

Depends on the relationship to a degree. Sometimes, healthy people just need the reminder to step back and look at the situation instead of barking commands about something they don't fully understand. Unhealthy people won't get the message and will keep pushing.

You can draw hard boundaries regardless, but whether you're up for then turning the question back around is for you two to decide. Sneezy, consider perhaps letting your DH read this thread if you're comfortable with the idea. It may be good for him to see what outside opinions look like. I'm sure he's done absolutely everything he can, and has tried fixing and fixing until he's exhausted and run ragged and can barely stand to talk to them anymore... But this situation ain't getting fixed without drama I'm afraid. Something major is going to have to happen before your FIL says Yay or Nay, or he himself is going to have to become unstable to the point of having his decision-making power taken away. It's a sad situation all around.

Sneezy · December 13, 2021, 08:30:01 PM

Thanks Cat and Andeza - I think now that DH has talked to an attorney about guardianship, he can honestly tell everyone who is concerned that "I've done everything I can do, and until Dad authorizes me to do more, I don't have any legal right to force any decisions on him." I've also suggested that DH take a 48-hour telephone break. He actually wants to see if he can ignore his phone until this weekend - we'll see (I know from experience how hard that is to do - we dutiful children are so tempted to pick up the phone and start JADEing

).

Thanks for your help and for listening to me vent.

bloomie · December 14, 2021, 09:16:55 AM

Sneezy... you and your DH are truly in a tough spot. Elderly and ill family members who refuse to cooperate and adjust their living situation as their needs change - especially when they live at a distance - can bring on waves of hypervigilence. And it is really exhausting to live with that hanging over your heads.

If you both have determined that even though the situation is not optimal and what you would want for them they are reasonably safe and fil is able to clearly communicate what he wants and make his own decisions you truly have done all you can.

Sadly, in our own situation with both sides of our parents aging/cognitive decline processes we have had to let the wheels come off a bit before they would agree to any kind of changes and even then it has been an ongoing fight to keep things in place.

In terms of how to support your DH best, I don't know your DH's relationship with siblings of course, but it may be time for a talk about what to do about mom and dad where they can find agreement and it be made clear this is not just your DH's and your responsibility to manage and figure out.

From personal experience, the starting gate expectation that your DH is the go to guy is setting him up for 100% of the blame when anything goes 'wrong' and I can assure you something will, because elderly, confused people fall, get UTI's and don't know it, miss meds or over medicate themselves in error, drive when they are no longer capable and rear end people and drive away... you get where I am going with this.

Your DH may eventually be guardian or their trustee, and that is great, but it doesn't automatically = everyone else is off the hook and can fold their hands and do nothing.

This is a family system challenge and those of us groomed to care take can see an issue and pick it up and run with it before we really think through how long term and difficult it will be on our own.

Quotehas offered to fly to his parents' house several states away and drive them back to our house with their dog and all their crap and let them live with us until we find memory care for his mom.

This is an example of something that could be crushingly hard to handle long term for you and your FOC.

It seems pretty clear your in laws are not looking for solutions at this point - if ever - just possibly attention and emotional support for all they are going through.

QuoteThe only thing I can come up with is boundaries. Whatever is going on here, it feels like manipulation to me, and the solution to manipulation is boundaries.

YES!!! Brilliant! 💯

Something I had to learn... to step back and evaluate if anything that was going on was indeed critical in nature or an actual emergency. And, in our own case, very little of what others were urgently communicating or insistent about met that standard.

Keep sharing as you are able and as you find your way through this time. We are here for you!

Sneezy · December 14, 2021, 04:59:55 PM

Thanks Bloomie - I think the wheels may be starting to come off already. MIL is in the hospital. She called 911 and FIL couldn't hear what she was saying, but the police came and an ambulance came, and she voluntarily went. I am hopeful that MIL will go from the hospital to memory care and this will be the beginning of a new stage of life for FIL. Now if I could convince DH to block Dramatic Auntie. She has already called and offered to go to my in-laws house and clean it and get it on the market, and then take FIL to her house to live with her (nowhere near us, by the way). Ummm, how about we all chill a little and see where things go over the next few weeks? Auntie just loves the drama and can't wait to swoop in and take charge and cook for everybody and scrub floors and tell everyone what to do. She can be extremely helpful, but also a tad overbearing. However, if Auntie is the worst of our problems over the next few weeks, I'll take it.

bloomie · December 15, 2021, 09:30:22 AM

Quote from: Sneezy on December 14, 2021, 04:59:55 PM
Thanks Bloomie - I think the wheels may be starting to come off already. MIL is in the hospital. She called 911 and FIL couldn't hear what she was saying, but the police came and an ambulance came, and she voluntarily went. I am hopeful that MIL will go from the hospital to memory care and this will be the beginning of a new stage of life for FIL. Now if I could convince DH to block Dramatic Auntie. She has already called and offered to go to my in-laws house and clean it and get it on the market, and then take FIL to her house to live with her (nowhere near us, by the way). Ummm, how about we all chill a little and see where things go over the next few weeks? Auntie just loves the drama and can't wait to swoop in and take charge and cook for everybody and scrub floors and tell everyone what to do. She can be extremely helpful, but also a tad overbearing. However, if Auntie is the worst of our problems over the next few weeks, I'll take it.

Yikes! What a swift change of course. How good that your mil knew she needed help and called for it. Hoping a in patient eval can lead to you all working with a medical social worker and getting your mil the resources and help she needs. How wise to want to chill and bit and see what unfolds with the Aunt's offers of abundant help!

I am thankful you and DH have each other through it all.

1footouttadefog · December 17, 2021, 10:19:50 PM

If you all live in the USA and if she is diagnosed with dementia, there is home help available. Additionally she can go to a nursing home for a few days at a time to give your father a break. Additionally people can come to the house to stay with her and keep her engaged while he gets out to shop, have lunch with friends etc. There is a term for this that slips my mind.

She may also qualify for aj adult day care type of program where she could go for part of the day and have lunch and do crafts or whatever with caretakers who help keep them engaged.

Many such things are covered by Medicare.

Sneezy · December 18, 2021, 01:39:36 PM

1footouttadefog - I am pleasantly surprised at how many resources are available. My in-laws live in a more rural area, and so if we could get them near us, there would be even more resources and we would be able to help, too. MIL is still in the hospital, and the best option when she gets released would be to get her into memory care near us. But everything is still very up in the air at this point.

It's strange - MIL was not very nice to me. She actually wasn't very nice to quite a few people, including some of her grandchildren. She caused a lot of drama and took great pleasure in stirring the pot. I spent many years being both angry at her and a little scared of her at the same time. And I am incredibly angry that she and FIL never planned ahead and are putting a lot of stress on DH and his siblings. But, in the end, I mostly feel sympathy. She is like a child and she is scared and it's truly eye-opening to see what happens when a brain no longer works the way it is supposed to.