Hello all, I'm a Narc

[Toxicfox]

First off, hello and thanks for just reading.

I have come to a realization that I am a Narcissist and I have hurt/manipulated/traumatized a great deal of people throughout my life. I've cried and cried more times in the last two weeks than my whole life combined. I'm conflicted about the sadness I feel because I'm sure it's just a sadness that I was caught and the mask is now off. I'm vulnerable and despising myself and the disorder that is me. I keep attempting to distance myself from Narcissism as much as possible but I am just lying by doing so. Even as I type this all out, I understand that what I'm typing is making me out to be a victim. We're pretty good at it. Constantly seeking validation or support from any source of "supply". I've continued to struggle with how malevolent I have been and am wondering if this is all a ploy to myself to learn how to become a worse Narcissist. It sucks to consistently doubt your own mind and intentions.

Long story short, I'm attempting to reach out for therapy and this is my median until I finally get an appointment with someone. I have heard and read from other Narcissists that are going through therapy that it works only to help moderate, marginally better, the impulses we have to manipulate. I want to believe there is some hope for me, but my mind tells me otherwise. I want to say I don't deserve love, validation, support, or help for all the stuff I've already done and the things I will undoubtedly commit. Here's to a lifelong journey of therapy and hopefully overcoming some parts of me. Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day.

[bloomie]

Hi there. Thanks for giving us a bit of context to what you are realizing and going through. It sounds like a very rough time right now.

I would encourage you, if you are self diagnosed, to make it a priority to meet with a trained professional for an official diagnosis and treatment plan going forward. Only someone who is working with you in real life can know what you need to recenter your life and take responsibility for whatever character defects and habits you have that have hurt and harmed yourself and others.

There are a lot of reasons we behave the way we do and the answer as to why is not always obvious to us, but often, with dedicated help we can figure things out and make progress to being the best version of ourselves possible. Narcissism, narcissistic traits, disordered thinking and making harmful choices exists on a continuum. And each person is unique in their ability to manage their behaviors and gain accurate self assessment. What may be true for another person and hopeless for them may not be for you. It is good to keep that in mind.

I want to make sure you know what we do here at Out of the FOG. We are a a community dedicated to offering support and information to people who have a loved one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder. That doesn't necessarily exclude those who also have a PD from participating but the rule is we come here to discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD, and not PD recovery issues as they pertain to the self. If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, we welcome your participation as long as the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD and not on your own recovery from a PD.   

Also, we'd like you to be aware that people at a site like this are often hurting a great deal.  They come here needing a safe place to vent about how they may have been hurt by the person in their life with a PD.  At times, these comments can be harsh. Reading them may trigger you, if you are not far enough along in your own recovery to let these comments pass without becoming upset or attempting to speak on behalf of others with personality disorders.

Thanks for your understanding, and Welcome to Out of the FOG.