Both Mental & Physical Health Deteriorating

[BefuddledClarity]

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Pseudonyms
Eldest bro = Yaw
Older bro = Kwasi
Youngest Bro = Kofi
Gentlemen "friend" = Marino
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Ever since my son was taken away about 8 months ago, my mental health started deteriorating...and ever since the eviction 4 months ago, my physical health has started to decline. I lost 20lbs very fast. I'm already a skinny/lanky person.

I'm slowly healing mentally, as I receive reassurance from the case manager that my son will be returning home to me soon. Also, my case manager says I'm doing everything right and have a lot on my plate right now. Furthermore, I did my first domestic violence group session a few days ago and...I feel kind of better? As though there are others out there that understand the struggle.

Despite this, it's been difficult for me to fix my physical health. I have a myriad of problems...

I have a bad back due to a car accident, and my PDex made it worse too from slamming me on the ground.

I was told I might have possible brain damage from him strangling me as well...I havent been able to afford going to a doctor to get it checked.

At my brother's house, there's nothing healthy to eat or hardly any food. I've been unemployed for a while, so I have no say in what I can eat, I have to eat what they have. Sometimes there's not enough food, so I just wouldn't eat for the day or hardly anything so they can eat...

Pretty much the only time I eat healthy is when I'm around Marino...before when I had a job, we'd go out to eat at healthy restaurants, and I'd pay for both of us and buy him a lot of stuff[ex. Food, household items, rent...] he needs... We've also cooked for one another on multiple occasions.

Now that I'm incapable of buying anymore, Marino has taken up the role and has been paying for me A LOT. But...for some reason I feel bad that he has been paying for me that I've been refusing him. He has a family issue going on and some other legal stuff as well, that I don't want to ask him for money, even though I know he'll give it to me without a second thought...I just don't want to...

He's gave me money a few times for my visits with son WITHOUT ME ASKING, so I can take the little one out and have fun.

Once, when I asked Kwasi and Kofi for help, asking if they could bring my son some juice, since it's hot outside[we live in the desert practically], they both told me "No, I'm busy eating at a bar, can't come". I'm not allowed to leave my son's visits to go get food sometimes[depending on the case aide, some are new and follow the rules to a T, which makes sense if you're new...].

The case aide and a single mom at the park overheard the convo on the phone and they BOTH have water for my son, that my blood relatives couldn't help with...

I feel tired of depending on people and I feel useless. I want to be useful again. I'll try and clean the house or cook food for my brothers/Marino to show appreciation, but I'm just getting tired... the house is really dirty with... dirt and it feels really gross no matter how much I try cleaning it. And cooking only occurs if there's enough for me to make a decent meal for everyone.

Anyhow...

I recently got a job and start next week, so I'm going to use it towards healthy food that I can cook, use the insurance they provide for my health problems, buy a used car, and get my own place ASAP so I can leave Kwasi's duplex[Kofi lives there too, so I'm on the couch, there's no space anyways for all of us].

Sadly, all of us siblings have different lifestyles that we feel like we're kinda of drowning living with one another...I feel like a burden to Kwasi and Kofi anytime I ask for help, whether it's for me directly or my son, they pretty much tell me to figure it out on my own...

When I lived in a different state[a cold state❆, I live in a hot state☼ now], both Yaw and me were roommates. It was actually...really nice. We're both introverted and gave eachother space and had opposite schedules. Once a month, our schedules would align, and we'd go out and do something big, like go out of down to an Aquarium, or to the movies, etc. We also both cooked all the time and meal prep, sometimes sharing food with one another.

But now Yaw is a different person who lives with PDmother. We can hardly talk and hangout like we used to. I grieve our sibling-ship and it sucks so much that it feels like I lost an older brother sometimes. He's her obedient soldier...I can tell he relays my info to our Pdparents sometimes. He says he's terrible at lying and gets bad anxiety...he has had the worst social anxiety out of all of us siblings, based on the pressure my parents put on him...

I think I'll make a separate post on all of my brothers...just for further detail because there is a LOT going on and how our PDparents affected our relationship growing up to where we are now in life.

I care about my brothers, but I feel hurt most times being around them. Also, the FLEAS they have and the CONSTANT reminder of our childhood sucks. I don't like thinking about certain things in the past. We're all kinda scarred and depressed from the past...

I guess to end this post on a more positive note, as I mentioned, I have a job now. I'm going to work hard to regain everything I used to have and work on both my physical and mental health...

::: QUESTIONS :::

How long did it take you guys/gals to heal physically and fall back into healthier habits?

How do you keep yourself motivated on particularly hard days?

How long did the healing process take for your mental health?

Anything else you'd like to add?


Thank you guys/gals for listening to my story. I've just been feeling blue most days...

[Andeza]

I'm going to answer your questions as the daughter of an uBPDm, just in case it helps you at all.

1. Doesn't apply to my experience.
2. Motivational videos on Youtube help me. If I'm supposed to clean the house, I'll watch a cleaning video. If I'm supposed to cook, I'll watch a cooking video, etc. I also enjoy dreaming about what the future holds. It's important to have goals down the line to strive for. Dreams and hope keep us going after all.
3. Still healing. NC for going on three years and still healing. Probably always will be. It's a journey, not really a destination.

I don't know if that helps at all. I really don't. But I wanted to offer if you need help budgeting now that you're about to have a paycheck coming in, I'm happy to sit down and assist. I know a lot of us didn't get that from our parents, and a lot of people in abusive relationships don't get the opportunity to so much as touch the money. So if you need any help in that regard, let me know.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi Andrea,

Thank you for your reply!
Ah, that does sound like a good idea to watch YouTube videos for inspiration.
I like watching them when I'm learning new recipes. 

I used to be able to budget fine...it's just without a job, there was nothing really to budget and money was randomly coming in and out.

I have a job now, I plan on tackling my debts first, and lowering my bills down. I spend only $20 on the phone bill and try to go to cheaper grocery stores, as well as buy foods that I can meal prep with.

I don't have to worry about spending/wasting money on my abusive PDex anymore. I used to be the head of the budgeting for us and deal with everything on my own, because he stopped helping me or ALWAYS needed a reminder for ALL the bills, which got annoying.

Pretty much the eviction and the repossession happened due to me being unemployed for long periods of time and missing the payments...I'm employed now and doing OK, I just need to rework my savings since I lost everything after being with PDex.... It's a process. However, I'm confident that I can get it right this time.

[1footouttadefog]

I would encourage you to take advantage of food banks to get free food stuffs.  This way you can take the money you safe and spend it on higher quantity foods or supplements and such to restore your health. Maybe building up some reserves of storable foods so you can live without the stress of food insecurity and spend on snacks for your visits with your child, and perhaps put a few extra dollars towards the debt.

You may qualify for food stamps or other financial assistance like WIC if you live in the USA.  Ditto a free cell phone. 

I hope you are on a better path forward and are able to heal from your abusive relationships.  Stay Strong. 

It's always good to read when someone is making their way forward Out of the FOG, keep us informed. 

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi 1footouttadefog,

I just found out recently that I have 2 grand in food stamps... But I lost the EBT (?) card yesterday along with my whole wallet since my pants had a hole in the back pocket that I wasn't aware of... Also, I've been having issues with the agency that helps low-income people with cash assistance, food stamps, and medical insurance. They kept denying me, claiming I made too much money, when I no longer work the jobs listed and provided proof... It was a pain. I guess (luckily) the only thing they granted was nutrition assistance, but I didn't know until recent...

Fortunately though, I'll be getting medical insurance through my new job, so I don't have to worry about that part.

I guess I can try the food bank too though in the meantime while they resend me the card! I'll check out the free phones, I was debating on that...but my phone service is fairly cheap, only $20/mo and I'm going to start working again soon.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm quite excited that the fog is starting to go away...and I'm getting more clarity instead of being...befuddled, hahah.