Social Media: Villan or Mirror?

[CapeStorm]

So, as someone struggling with a great deal of issues, I've heard a lot about "social media detoxes". Apparently as the saying goes "Comparison is the thief of joy". So I have never had a tik-tok/insta/Snapchat account. And I deleted my FB/Twitter/Telegram & Reddit accounts. Along with all my internet dating apps. I'll keep Spotify for the music and YouTube for the podcasts, from which I do learn things.

I'm not sure just how long I can go without these things, but then as a member of the Xennial generation  (person who grew up on the border of Gen X and Millennial - an analogue childhood and a digital adulthood), I'm hoping it will go more smoothly.

In this post I want to share my views about the major reason people with a mood disorder are encouraged to quit social media. And in fact, in order to be more clear in my head, will play devils advocate for a moment.

Were told that when we compare ourselves to others we affect our self esteem, because we only see the good stuff happening in others lives and not the full picture of whether they are truly happy.

I'd like to suggest that whether they are happy in their lives, as a whole, is irrelevant. When we make a comparison we're comparing apples for apples - my car that's just survived catching alight vs my friends new Porsche. Surely, on an issue by issue basis (excluding the bigger picture) he is objectively in a better situation than I. He doesn't know the full story of my life and I may not know his, but does that really matter for me to see that, at least by what he drives, he's got a better life than me?

I think asking people to quit social media because of negative comparisons is just naive. Why should we bury our heads in the sand - If people are better off in a particular category, that is the truth. (No matter how harsh it may be).

[Hazy111]

at least by what he drives, he's got a better life than me?

Narc supply is narc supply, however you dress it up. Why does a person who drives a "better" car than you have a "better" life unless you judge a person by their status, shallow achievements (fame)  material possessions wealth, power. They are poor substitutes for real love and respect that a narcissist never received in his formative years. Happiness cant be achieved through possessions, all the great religions philosophers etc came to the same conclusion.

Social media is pure narc supply. This may help.

The Accumulator as Narcissist by Sam Vaknin

This kind of narcissist jealously guards his possessions - his collections, his furniture, his cars, his children, his women, his money, his credit cards ... Objects comfort the narcissist. They remind him of his status. They are linked to gratifying events and, thus, constitute secondary sources of narcissistic supply. They attest to the narcissist's wealth, his connections, his achievements, his friendships, his conquests, and his glorious past. No wonder he is so attached to them. Objects connected with failures or embarrassments have no place in his abode. They get cast out.

Moreover, owning the right objects often guarantees the uninterrupted flow of narcissistic supply. A flashy car or an ostentatious house help the somatic narcissist attract sexual partners. Owning a high powered computer and a broadband connection, or a sizable and expensive library, facilitate the intellectual pursuits of the cerebral narcissist. Sporting a glamorous wife and politically correct kids is indispensable in the careers of the narcissistic politician, or diplomat.

[Andeza]

Narcissists are on social media expressly to show off, make other people jealous, make other people fawn over them, etc.

I think whether it affects our personal self esteem or self worth is an entirely separate issue from the main issue. Following, subscribing, responding to narcissists feeds their need for supply.

[Sapling]

Hi CapeStorm,

Social Media is highly curated content, to say the least. And narcissistic people are better at using it than most because a) the format of these platforms doesn't allow for nuanced or deeper exploration of the self (perfect for the narc!) and b) since they are a bottomless pit that requires approval an adulation at all times to stop their fragile ego from collapsing, they have more motivation to learn how to manipulate social media as a source of narc supply. But if you're asking if someone with a better car than you objectively has a better life that you? I would say no. You just don't have all the information there to be able to measure that and the big picture does matter. Do they have more money and probably privilege than you? Yes. Does that equal a better life. I don't think so. I say this as someone who worked for a very wealthy family years ago where all the adult children except one had severe addictions (heroin, gambling, alcohol) that did not end well. But on the outside they were wealthy and beautiful and all the rest. Inside, it was a rotting life. I wouldn't wish their world on anyone.

That being said, I agree that it is naive to tell people to just switch off social media. Not everyone can do this. Some of us have to use it for work for example. And for some, going cold turkey could lead to social isolation from their existing networks.  Not everyone has the "margin of refusal" to just switch off. Jenny Odell wrote a book called 'How To Do Nothing' which covers those reasons why the social media detox is not realistic for everyone. I highly recommend it.

But coming back to your struggle, it sounds really healthy that you are questioning blanket solutions. It sounds like it would be good to find some way of addressing the fact that social media is a tool that is designed to be addictive and is also used by a lot of people with Narc traits but is also necessary for some of us. It means a lot of narc content is out there and we who have had trouble with these behaviours in people around us will need a strategy for how we engage with these tools so that we don't get triggered and spiral into feeling bad about ourselves. In my case I limit the time spent on there and sometimes I have a call with a friend if I see triggering content. Its not easy because social media actually does mirror the way narcs interact with us eg. broadcasting all the best things about themselves and taking up space that our real selves could occupy.

[CapeStorm]

Why does a person who drives a "better" car than you have a "better" life unless you judge a person by their status, shallow achievements (fame)  material possessions wealth, power. They are poor substitutes for real love and respect that a narcissist never received in his formative years. Happiness cant be achieved through possessions, all the great religions philosophers etc came to the same conclusion.

I understand this fully. But as someone who has been burned badly by having more lofty ideals, I've seen that the world works very differently from the way an idealist would want it to. The word actively promotes the narc and punishes the idealist. It earned Jesus the cross! And he warned that following after him would invite hatred "If the world hates you, remember it hated me first".

To argue that happiness does not come from material pursuits sets oneself up against the "world order". Not only will you be told that you are not living in reality, you'll actually be punished for it. As human beings behaviour is operand conditioned to prefer reward and avoid punishment. I work with "successful" people who have been twice divorced and marrying for the third time. Asked if they had taken personal inventory of themselves, before rushing out into the next marriage, their answer is always similar "this is how the world works"! Parents who have become estranged from children will normally have the attitude that the harshness of life will bring their children grovelling back, because "this is how the world works"! "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own" (John 15:19).

My friend with the Porshe will likely gain more attraction from suitors, more invitations to form friendships and more opportunities for business, just because the car is a symbol of his "success" at doing his job and at life.

I have another friend who I play sport with often and who has a great sports watch. It's high end (GPS/On board calling/compass/barometer/blood oxygen/ heart rate/Bluetooth/blood pressure/heart rate........), any sports enthusiast will drool over it. Yet after our sports session he will take it off and put on a Rolex because "my clients judge me more competent when they see this status symbol". After all Pope Francis has been called out of touch with reality (he wears a $20 Casio) and the Dalai Lama, who is supposed to be the "expert" in living in the present wears a custom designed Patek Phillipe. (Who would dare call the Dalai Lama a narc, even though a $20 Casio tells the time just as well?).

No matter how we spin it, this world is driven by narc supply and swimming against the tide is surely a recipe for even greater disappointment/depression. Alot of this is temperament and nurture, but if I had any children I would certainly bring them up to win at the dog-eat-dog race. Simply because I would want them to have a less stressful & more successful life than I've led.

[CapeStorm]

Hi CapeStorm,

You just don't have all the information there to be able to measure that and the big picture does matter. Do they have more money and probably privilege than you? Yes. Does that equal a better life. I don't think so...
That being said, I agree that it is naive to tell people to just switch off social media. Not everyone can do this. Some of us have to use it for work for example. And for some, going cold turkey could lead to social isolation from their existing networks.  Not everyone has the "margin of refusal" to just switch off. Jenny Odell wrote a book called 'How To Do Nothing' which covers those reasons why the social media detox is not realistic for everyone. I highly recommend it.

I've told a high school teacher friend of mine, whose always complaining about his "low salary", that "Money doesn't make you happy". His response "I'd rather be rich and unhappy than poor and unhappy". (No doubt he needs some reframing and personal work, but I just use this to illustrate the way people think).

After a week on detox I think it's becoming impossible to avoid the narcs. Yesterday I was looking for a car repair shop and found that even using Google Maps, allows users to post about their lifestyles. I just want to know where the place is and it's opening times and I'm inundated with comments and photos about how the shop help a luxury vehicle owner add a whole lot of accessories to his car, with the pictures to prove it.

Even if you go to something like a religious clip on YouTube you will be encouraged to "Join us on Facebook!". Surely these are people who should know better.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Well CapeStorm, it is an interesting post. I'm curious to hear your actual thoughts and opinions, as opposed to the "devil's advocate" stance you led with.

Anyway, after some reflection....

- I don't think when comparing oneself to others on social media, there is anything objective about it at all.
I would suggest that any comparisons are completely subjective, since they are filtered through one's individual perceptions.

To my mind, making a social media comparison (whether consciously or unconsciously) consists of how I perceive myself (based on many factors) vs. how I perceive the other(s) (based on both their curated online projection and my relative self-state).

- For me, I notice my mood disorder (SAD) greatly affects my perceptions of myself and, consequently, how I think I compare to others.
I know for certain I am more vulnerable to judging / perceiving myself negatively during the darker months of the year. So I guess I can understand why that natural impulse to compare might be a "major reason people with a mood disorder are encouraged to quit social media".

- But then, would quitting social media be a helpful or realistic solution for anyone? I don't know. I suspect not, although I don't have any data or experience. It does seem to be a bit of burying your head in the sand, as you suggest. Perhaps it could be equally presented either way though, avoidance that is protective or avoidance that is not constructive.

- Knowing my personal limitations and vulnerabilities, I limit my own online explorations and interactions to things I think are positive or beneficial. I cut ties with Facebook in 2013 and I have no Twitter, Insta or Snapchat. Am I happier because of it? I really don't know!! I do not find myself missing Facebook though.

- I hadn't thought about it much until now, reading what others have posted, but I guess social media IS quite the perfect place for narcissistic types!!
I don't think I get much exposure to that though. Maybe my limited and mindful use of online activity makes it easier to avoid? I will have to observe more actively... it could be that I just ignore that content, or filter it out, while focusing on my own agenda.

- I don't have the same experience you describe with Google Maps. (?) I have a small section of reviews displayed to me on both my phone and laptop, IF I go scrolling down the page to look for it! 

I'm looking forward with anticipation to hearing about how your social media hiatus is going, and about any observable effects it might have!