First Christmas

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hello everyone,

This will be my first Christmas post-separation from my diagnosed pdH.

I was going to post in the separating/divorcing page, but I decided to post here instead. I want to be solutions-orientated. I want to focus on me and my children, not on pdH. He has taken quite enough of my time and head space over the past half-decade. I want to fully take advantage of my freedom from his dark, oppressive presence, and to really enjoy this holiday season.

Some problems remain: the pd has rented out a tiny trailer unsuitable for visitation, so he still comes to my house several times a week to visit the kids. So he will be here on certain days over Christmas. It's not ideal, but I can't do anything about it right now. Despite this, I really want to make sure this holiday season is special for me and the kids.

Usually he has 2 weeks off work for the holidays. 2 weeks - I used to dread the horror of being stuck at home with him for 2 weeks! And he hates Christmas, so was generally grumpy and sullen around this time, or moaning/criticising me for not being a better wife.
This year, guess what...... he doesn't live here 
I am looking forward to - relaxing with my kids, without pd interfering. Laughter and chat, dancing and watching movies of my choice - silly girly movies pdH would never have agreed to watch! It will be great to spend time with family who pdH hates - without having to worry about his reaction.

So, I was wondering if anyone would have any suggestions for the first holiday season post-separation?
How to make the most of it... How to navigate the inevitable guilt trips pdH is trying to inflict on me... Just any general wisdom really.

Thanks and lots of love,
(UN)caged bird x

[Boat Babe]

Make yourselves a little advent calendar with a kickass affirmation for each day over the holidays.

[1footouttadefog]

Make a list of what you have missed and brainstorm ways to integrate them into a new normal for Christmas. 

Plan some meals to prepare with the kids and deserts or crafts to make.

Find ways to make the xpdh visits neutral yet festive for the kids.  Maybe if there is some little thing he likes for the holiday the kids could make it for him, or hot chocolate or cookies of some kind. 

I hope you are able to have many meaningful hours and visits this year.

[Kat54]

Plan new holiday traditions. It does feel great enjoying the holidays without PDh being gloomy and negative. That whole thing rings so true from my ex. Holidays were a nightmare with him but happy to say it's a great feeling to be relaxed and really take it in. It's all on your terms now.

[Lauren17]

This my first holiday season post separation as well.
I'm not sure I have any tips or suggestions, wanted to say that I'm right here with you.
I'd like to hear others inputs on carrying on existing traditions or starting new ones.
Personally, I'm torn on that. I can see the benefits in both.

[Stillirise]

I'm in my second post-PD holiday season. Last year, we were still in divorce proceedings, so this is my first truly free holiday season with the kids. I have opted for a mix of keeping old traditions, and starting new ones. A new tradition I started last year is a DIY advent calendar for the kids. I made little bags for each day, and hung them on the fireplace.  There's a small treat for each of them, as well as a random act of kindness for them to complete each day.  This year, I could tell they were really looking forward to it.  They've enjoyed opening them together each morning.

We have continued old traditions like baking day, Christmas Eve stories by the tree, early Christmas morning gifts, and the kids going to each set of grandparents' house for big extended family gatherings.  Updxh didn't actively participate in the holidays before, other than to complain, so it's sort of the same, but better. He and I are supposed to alternate Christmas Eve/day, but so far, he hasn't pushed back on DD's request for them to stay with me Christmas Eve night, and go with him Christmas afternoon. She is my tradition-builder of the two. There's other ongoing drama up in the co-parenting thread, that could derail all of that, but hopefully not.

Best wishes to you all!