“I wish I had…”

[Justme729]

15+ years too late.   My dad told me he wished that he took my mom to court for custody of all three of us kids.  How am I supposed to process that?   How am I supposed to say, I wish you had - Without wishing away my life now.   I love my family of choice, my husband and kids.   I wouldn't trade them or my life now for anything.   But the fact that he knew it happened.  He acknowledged the abuse, the gaslighting, the everything.   I know the reality is - he was as much a victim as us kids.  He was fully, completely in the fog.  He really believed it was just a midlife crisis.   

I mean, I guess I need to be thankful for the acknowledgement that he wished he had done something more all those years ago.

[Andeza]

I had something similar happen. My endad expressed regret for not doing something, but also explained he didn't have any idea what to do at the time. So he stayed and made certain my financial needs were taken care of. The year after I got married, he filed. The FOG was especially thick for him, because he was likely raised by a narcissist and to this day doesn't recognize something was wrong with his momma. His solution to the situation with my uBPDm, who pulled a bait and switch routine on him decades ago, was to work insane hours to keep away from her. I don't think he realized how bad things were for me because he wasn't there to see it, and when he was there, her sights were set fully on him.

How are you to process it? I don't know honestly. For myself, I see the circumstances, the likelihood he wouldn't have gotten even 50/50 custody because he was working the long hours, and the whole situation would have most likely backfired. But in your case... Acknowledgement is nice, but only you can decide what the relationship is going to look like going forward.

[daughter]

My enNF did same non-apology acknowledgment that he's fully aware NM was unfair, neglectful, harsh, and obviously abusive towards me, me as child, me as adult, and admonished me that it was my DUTY to ENDURE IT FOR HIS SAKE. Those were his specific words: duty, endure, for him, because, in full self-denial of any parental responsibility: "what could he do?" 

He often told me, worse, as a child, in matter-of-fact tone, "you're mother doesn't like you; that's your problem. You need to help me with your mother, you need to fix her; she's driving me nuts". 

And several similar "earnest dad" conversations occurred in my mid-50s, after particularly horrible episodes, which triggered me big time. As a parent myself, his self-righteous indignation as inexcusable. As a therapized adult, I no longer believed I "owed" fealty to my abusive parents. Soon after, I slipped into NC, a middle-aged woman, resigned "dutiful daughter" tasks, quit that "good girl" abject obedience, stopped pretending "f-a-m-i-l-y" with these dysfunctional and frankly still-damaging people.

[Olive]

I would process it as him dumping on you. It would be fair to mention this isn't helpful if you feel that need.  Hopefully, he said this because he is processing his own failures and our guts seem to spill when we are genuinely trying.  His failure is not your burden.  His job is making this up to you and letting you know he's ready to be a better man.  That's it!

I am glad that he's growing and understands.  It gives me hope that for some relationships there is a future where he can be a part of your life, but it sounds like you need to set some boundaries. 

[Justme729]

I had something similar happen. My endad expressed regret for not doing something, but also explained he didn't have any idea what to do at the time. So he stayed and made certain my financial needs were taken care of. The year after I got married, he filed. The FOG was especially thick for him, because he was likely raised by a narcissist and to this day doesn't recognize something was wrong with his momma. His solution to the situation with my uBPDm, who pulled a bait and switch routine on him decades ago, was to work insane hours to keep away from her. I don't think he realized how bad things were for me because he wasn't there to see it, and when he was there, her sights were set fully on him.

How are you to process it? I don't know honestly. For myself, I see the circumstances, the likelihood he wouldn't have gotten even 50/50 custody because he was working the long hours, and the whole situation would have most likely backfired. But in your case... Acknowledgement is nice, but only you can decide what the relationship is going to look like going forward.

I think you hit the nail on the head.   He has a very interesting relationship with his mother to say the least.  He was raised in a house where they didn't deal with conflict, it was just brushed under the rug.  Conflict was to be avoided at all costs.  Therefore, when it came to my mom who is very vocal and difficult to disagree with - he just went along with what she said.   I had a heart to heart with my mom.  She keeps saying "your dad and I were always on the same page."  However, she says that is the root of their divorce is that he never stood up to her.   I told her it was very obvious that our dad just said whatever made her happy.  We could tell he didn't always agree, due to the comments he would say to us in regards to just keeping her happy and avoiding her yelling.  I told her I can understand how she may have thought he agreed with her, but remember part of the reason you said you divorced was because he never stood up.  How can you be certain that he agreed with you and wasn't just saying what made you happy?   Food for thought for her - she doesn't understand why my brother's anger is directed at her and not her and my dad equally.   Dad never agreed with medicating my brother - and he wishes he had more of a backbone to stand up to her at the time given how difficult it has been for my brother to process as an adult. 

I guess that is where the conundrum is that I'm processing - the past happened, we wear the scars.  You can't change the past, we all have regrets and things we wished we had done differently.   I don't mind him expressing he wished he had done more and stood up to her more.  It would have changed the trajectory of our lives.  BUT, you can't change the past without changing the present.  I really like my life - and yes it was terrible and I have trauma to deal with.....but I know I wouldn't be the wife, mother, and teacher I am today without those experiences.  So it is a catch 22.   And yes, the fact is my state is very my in the 50/50 custody thing.  One week on, one week off.  It would have been horrific.  Now, he could have proved her unstable (she had multiple suicide attempts, and an abusive boyfriend).  However, her parents (my grandparents) would have hired a lawyer and fought my dad.  They were so jaded that the boyfriend was a good man and the suicide attempts were due to my dad impacting her mental health.  He also would have likely be required to stay in the state when his job took him out of state.  His job is what has allowed him to support his parents, my brothers, and my mom (don't ask).  If he had fought her on custody, it would have been 100x worse.  At this point, they are "friends with benefits" and coexist very well at family events like birthdays and holidays.   So its a give and take.   I really enjoy that my kids can have both my parents present for holidays and birthdays.  Or other special occasions.  Many of my friends growing up the parents wouldn't even look at each other so in a sense I do feel blessed....even if they are dysfunctional as all and have to keep my guard up!

Anyways I'm rambling.   My dad is generally a good man.  I'm glad that he is recognizing that he could have done more....because that is something I have struggled with....the why didn't he do more? 

[Andeza]

Sometimes it's the rambling that helps us out the most. We start drawing moments from here, memories from there, and assemble a more accurate picture of our past in so doing. I was watching something the other day on Youtube, forgive me I have so many videos in my history that I can't find the exact one (Maybe Patrick Teahan?), that was talking about adult children most often needing significantly more work around the codependent parent than the obviously abusive parent. Which makes sense when you start factoring in "Why didn't he do XYZ?" type questions. In my case, there's a bit of grace available to extend to my enDad simply because he didn't see 98% of my uBPDm's behavior toward me and I didn't talk about it with him until a couple of years ago. That was when he apologized and said, essentially, he should have left her sooner. Twelve hour days, and weekends spent working extra, kept him away.

[Justme729]

Sometimes it's the rambling that helps us out the most. We start drawing moments from here, memories from there, and assemble a more accurate picture of our past in so doing. I was watching something the other day on Youtube, forgive me I have so many videos in my history that I can't find the exact one (Maybe Patrick Teahan?), that was talking about adult children most often needing significantly more work around the codependent parent than the obviously abusive parent. Which makes sense when you start factoring in "Why didn't he do XYZ?" type questions. In my case, there's a bit of grace available to extend to my enDad simply because he didn't see 98% of my uBPDm's behavior toward me and I didn't talk about it with him until a couple of years ago. That was when he apologized and said, essentially, he should have left her sooner. Twelve hour days, and weekends spent working extra, kept him away.

Rambling definitely helps- sometimes!  Other times I feel like I go down the rabbit hole!  lol
I guess at my core I feel like he's been a victim also.  My mom keeps asking why we aren't ever mad at him and blame her.  We all knew to just say or do what made her happy.  I just don't think realized how bad her behavior really was (and still can be). 

[WinterStar]

he was as much a victim as us kids. 

Except for the fact that he was an adult with the power to make a change. You and your brother were children. It's not the same.

My mom has had said similar things to me. She wishes she had done things differently. Then come the excuses on why she couldn't actually have done things differently. She wants me to see her as just another victim of my dad. That way we can be BFFs forever, and she can continue to dump on me about my dad.

I highly recommend this video on "The Other Parent" https://youtu.be/_PcVXDJQ9Wc.

[Justme729]

Winter Star - I'll check out the video later.  That is where I struggle - an adult has the power to change the situation.  However, given the state of custody and laws in my state - custody would have been 50/50 and knowing my mom he would have had his rights terminated if he fought her for custody.  It was nothing for her to make up stories.  She projected the abuse from her boyfriend onto my dad - saying my dad did those things to her. The boyfriend was amazing.   No, if there is a type of abuse he engaged in it towards her and us kids (minus putting his hands on us kids because we weren't his biological children and they weren't married). 

IDK - I want to give my dad the benefit of the doubt in all of this.  You can't change the past, but can only move forward?   I do feel like he was coping as best he knew how to given the situation.  I don't think he did anything in malice, I think he was just blinded by love for her and assuming it was just a passing phase and she would snap out of it.  He did step up when it counted.  He didn't attend my graduations, but he paid for my apartment to get out of the situation when I turned 18.  He paid for college and always made sure I had money for expenses since I was only able to work part time.  When he got a job out of state, he made sure us kids were taken care of - that I was able to live with a friend.  In a stable home, where I didn't witness domestic violence everyday.   So I mean, that has to count for something right?