Rant about how unfair it is

[kelleron]

I'm so tired of all of it. Just don't know what the point of telling my story over and over is. I just told my uncle, who was guilt tripping me to make amends with my uBPDMom, why I continue to not speak with her. And he hasn't replied since a day ago.

Yeah he could just be busy true. But I am just tired of having to be the only one who protects me. I just want to rest. And have someone else protect me for once. I am sick of having to stand up for myself all the time. I don't even remember the last time I came home feeling safe. I hate all the adults who didn't believe me when I was a teen and dismissed my suffering as just being "emo" or "dramatic".

The worst thing is all this anger over what I never had - a safe home with safe parents - has nowhere to go. I don't live there anymore but I still feel burdened by the anger. I don't know what this feeling wants me to do. I don't know what else is unresolved. Am I just going to dip in and out of feeling fine and feeling so angry for the rest of my life?

I guess I am wondering, will it ever be ok that my mother was incapable of being warm and nurturing? Will it ever be ok that my dad killed himself, perhaps due to her mental illness? Will my brother and I be able to move on? Why us? Why? Will we ever be able to know why, or did everything happen for no reason?

I just needed to rant. I'm so frustrated but also tired of being frustrated. It keeps switching between ok and not ok. I don't know how to stop it.

[Hilltop]

Kelleron I am so sorry for everything you have gone through, it must have been so tough to not only lose your dad but lose him that way to suicide, that is so incredibly painful.  Then not to have any support or feel safe must have been incredibly tough.  I have often asked myself why me as well, it often doesn't feel fair.  We should have had a loving supportive family, yes you should have been safe and its really hard coming to terms that it didn't happen. 

That anger and frustration and rage is completely normal.  I would say to not hold it in and by this I mean acknowledge it and find ways to work it out of you.  I did this through exercise, hard exercise and journaling, writing my anger out in words for no one to see but me.  For me the anger eventually did resolve, the frustration doesn't stay forever.  For me the anger was just covering the hurt underneath.  There is such a deep painful hurt at not being protected and not feeling loved or secure by our family.

I would not worry about your Uncle at this point.  Sometimes other family can't see or don't want to see. Hugs, it isn't easy.

[Ladymm]

I feel the same.

I wish they would just sublimate in the ether.

10 years of therapy my hope for peace,closure seems far and unattainable in this moment.

Ptsd is an ongoing psychological pain, whether i have to fight them in real life or internally.

I plan to go far and abroad but now im realizing theres no escape. Maybe just no contact.

[bee well]

Hi Kelleron,

It's been a while...I've wondered about you since we wrote to each other on the same threads a while ago.

I am so sad to hear about the tragic circumstances of the loss of your Dad. That is incredibly painful and unfair that you have had to fend for yourself and think about the problems of  people in your life who one would ordinarily expect to be support you you, and did not, due to problems which you didn't bring about.

The issues with your Mom makes it even more complicated.  It's hard to not  personalize it because it is personal. The trauma is yours--you feel it, but the the weight of these generational issues is not your responsibility to bear. Excuse me if I repeat things you have already heard but I think it's good to repeat at times like these.

Telling your story is tiring but it's so so much better than the pain that is magnified by keeping it in.

As Lady mm wrote, the anger and grief that comes and goes is normal. Your anger and grief is large, but  your loss is enormous. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this.

I see it as a positive sign in any case that you know what are feeling and you are reasoning about it, even though working through it is  exhausting.

Please give yourself credit for the work you have done until now.

I wonder if you have read any of what Pete Walker has written. If not, you may find it relevant.  I'm not sure if you will find all of it applicable to you but I think it's worth a look.

Walker's work has helped a lot of people in the healing journey, and with expressing grief and rage. He wrote three books and he has excerpts on his website.  His CPTSD manual is especially helpful. He talks about  pain and trauma and how, while at times it seems excruciatingly slow,  it does diminish over time as we work through it. His story is  a source of validation and hope for how far we can travel in the healing process, and he has some very good ideas about how to approach things, and ways to be kind to yourself when it gets rough.

As you know, many of us go through a great deal of life not knowing what we are feeling and it comes out in other ways, and we are not always kind to ourselves.

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and reminder to you to be good to yourself, because you are the best friend you will other have, and you have every right to take care of your head and your heart first, before anyone else's. Because at the end of the day, you need to be there for you.

If other people don't understand that, it isn't your job to make them understand. Please remember that.