Give your Aunt X a call

[pianissimo]

I thought I checked here.

Lately, I have been getting these kinds of suggestions(?) from parents. A couple of relatives in the extended family have passed away... My father called me with the news, and advised me to call certain members of the family. The thing is, there has been estrangement within the extended family. I made the calls when it felt right to me. But, I ended up feeling confused and annoyed when it didn't feel right. Father has also kind of pestered me in the last occasion.

Just, now, mother texted me to call a friend of hers. I like the person in question, but I really don't feel like calling anyone, and it annoys me when they ask me to call people they think I should.

I thought I checked if this is normal. Do you do this with your adult children?

[feralcat]

I don't do it with my adult child, he'd contact people if he wanted to.
it's one of the things that my unPdM does and annoys me greatly. It's her trying to bolster the enmeshment within the extended  faaaaamily, and also to place herself in the middle of the spiders web. The matriarch .
Tbh it makes me not want to ring . I don't need to be told, and from past experience if I have made contact  then the pressure starts to ramp up. From them as well.  To visit, to keep in touch, to get involved more.
A slippery slope

[Cat of the Canals]

Both my PDmom and PDmil do this. I believe it's an attempt to keep you "looped in" to the family. You're easier to control if they know who they can use as flying monkeys should you step out of line.

It's very annoying and neither my husband nor I honor these types of demands. If you're an adult, you are fully capable to decide when and how you are in contact with what family members.

[MIB]

Omg I got that all the time from my parents, and now occasionally still do. It totally pisses me off.  I handle it by calling if I want to, and don't if I don't.

I have also told these family members that phones go two ways, which has helped tone down these requests.

[Hilltop]

I don't think this is normal.  Why would you call your mothers friend?  She isn't your friend.  Would you ask your mother to call your friends to give them news about her life?  No, I bet you wouldn't.  I wonder if the friend was going to be used as a FM and give you advice on something. 

As for calling family, I think when it comes to deaths in the family, it's one of those occasions that people feel that calling is the right thing to do, which it may be for the individual.  However in saying, it's not up to your father to tell you who to call.  You will call if you feel it's right.  As you say there have been estrangements.

I would recognise that this is something they do and something they probably won't change.  I would give a non committal reply of 'maybe' or 'I'll think about that' and then change the subject.  If you want to call, call, if you don't then don't.  If your dad keeps pestering just keep repeating or tell him very calmly, "ok, I get what you are saying, lets move on from this'.

In a way it's still treating you as a child.  Like they feel they need to tell you how to behave in an adult situation.

[pianissimo]

Thank you all. Validation helps.

Apparently these request are normalized in the family.

Hilltop, I know my mother's friend. She is a family friend. She helped me out with accommodation when I was at university. I know her daughters too. But, she is not my peer. So, the call I'm asked to give is a respect call, or some kind. I like them, but, I don't think we have the kind of relationship I call her for a chat or something. I don't think they would expect me to call them either. I think they are nice people, and they helped me out just for that. She has adult daughters and they all have moved on with their lives while I was abroad.

In my father's case, I called people I thought it would be right to call in a couple of occasions. A couple of week ago, my uncle passed away, and I was asked to call his wife (my aunt) . But I haven't seen her, like, ever. I have no recollection of her. Seems like she and the father's side have had issues of their own. In these requests, there is this threat that if I don't call, I will be left all alone in the future, and when I need it, I won't have anybody to call. Well, in this aunt's case, I chose the lonely future. But, it's not a great feeling. I suppose, I fear this future and the fear makes me feel pressured when I'm asked to call these people. My father also plays into the fear by saying these things out loud.

One thing that makes me sad is, I have a cousin whom I really like. She and I reconnected last summer. Then, she started to call me more frequently a couple of weeks ago, around the time my uncle passed away. She also advised me to call the aunt. Not outwardly, but, the conversation felt like that. In her case too, it came up in the first calls quite often. Well, I didn't call the aunt anyways (I suppose the request felt that weird). But now, I started to wonder if she got in touch with me because my father asked her to check on me. Because, he does these kinds of things, like "Give your big brother a call, you are siblings, you should be close.". He could have told the cousin "Give pianissimo a call, she likes you, she would listen what you have to say", or something of that sort. And, by the looks of it, cousin would not see any problem in that kind of request. The thought of this makes me feel like I'm stabbed in the back. And, again, I end up feeling angry with myself for opening up and I feel guilty for doubting her intentions because I don't think she would do it to hurt me.

[Cat of the Canals]

In these requests, there is this threat that if I don't call, I will be left all alone in the future, and when I need it, I won't have anybody to call.

This is such a classic narcissist way of thinking. Your dad wants you to call, not because it's the "right" thing to do or would offer the person comfort, but so you can assure yourself resources in the future? My MIL has said almost exactly the same thing to my husband, BTW. It's kind of shocking to me that they say these things out loud and don't hear the selfishness in it.

[Hilltop]

Hey Pianissimo, I get that you know your mom's friend but I don't think you need to do a respect call.  I am wondering if perhaps your mom's friend was going to be used as a FM.  I think if you want to call, then call but if you don't feel you have that close relationship with her, then I don't see why you would call out of the blue.  I remember my mom telling me if I went out with a friend and they drove that I had to give them fuel money.  Even if it was like a 10 minute drive.  It was weird then and I still find it a weird request now.  I am not sure what they get out of these requests but if you feel like they are asking you to do something off, then chances are it's off.  I don't know if it is maybe a narc supply thing to get you to do something and they get supply in seeing you follow their commands.  Or I don't know if narcs have a weird sense of what they feel is the right thing to do. The usually do it to get something out of it so who knows what that is. Do what you feel is right for you.

I feel like a lot of what your dad is saying is classic projection.  He has the opinion that if he doesn't call he will be left all alone.  That is his fear and he is projecting it onto you.  As you say you haven't seen the aunt in a very long time, if you aren't comfortable calling, that's ok.

If you enjoy talking to your cousin I would just enjoy the chats.  I wouldn't assume too much.  Perhaps one day you can ask your cousin if they have spoken with your father.  I dare say if your cousin didn't enjoy chatting with you, she wouldn't call you.

[daughter]

Yes, I've fielded requests in past to call folks I don't really know, to attend funerals for folks I don't really know, to host visitors I don't really know. This would both irritate me, and cause me to promptly comply regardless.  Now I realize these were inappropriate demands intended to "reflect well" on my parents, with no benefit or purpose for me. Just more "image-polishing by proxy" for two self-centered narcissists.

[pianissimo]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this. Again, it's validating to see others suspect what I suspect.

Cat of the Canals, those are the kinds of things my father says that make me think he has traits of NPD. Weirdly, he says those things kind of compassionately and in a mellow way too, like, behaving that way is not such a bad thing.

I don't know if it is maybe a narc supply thing to get you to do something and they get supply in seeing you follow their commands. 

Hillltop,

I think, both of my parents get supply from the thought of this. I also think that my father projects his fear of loneliness on me. With cousin, that's what I think too, but, I have this history of people who fail to protect me in some way. So, I will be guarded against this possibility.

Just more "image-polishing by proxy" for two self-centered narcissists.

Yes, that's me too. Strangely, they are ashamed of aspects of me, but they also brag about me. Perhaps they brag about me to cover how they are ashamed of who I really am.

Thank you all, this thread has helped me a lot to understand what this is all about.