The old "where've you been???"

[p123]

Dad can get very nasty with this and I'm about to explode with him.....

I make sure I don't give him exact times and massively overestimate but what you tell him and what he hears are two different things.
I live 30 mins+ drive from Dads, theres traffic to consider, my kids to sort, half the time im waiting for my wife to get in from work.

But no, if I say around 6-7pm woe betide if I get there after 610pm.....Hes gets really arsey "Where have you been?" "You're always late!".

I've had it now with him. I've tried to explain, I've got commitments... Nope doesnt care.

He follows this up with "BUT I was worried something had happened to you!!!!!". OMG that pushes it to the limit. I live in a semi-rural area in wales. Its not south central LA or Bogota. I'm not going to get car jacked FFS!!!! In broad daylight.....

Im 54 years old too. Aaarrggghhhhhhh!

[nanotech]

Been there with my UNPDDAD.
If I say ' just after 12' wo betide me if I'm a few minutes BEFORE 12. I actually thought he'd be pleased, but no, I was immediately criticised.
Dad
( frowning and angry)
But I'm not dressed yet!'
Me-
' But dad, the traffic was light, and  I knew ( younger sis) would be here by now anyway.'
Dad-
'No! I rang her and told her to delay by half an hour because I wasn't ready! I never thought YOU'D be early!  ( reference to an incorrect but persistent family myth that I'm always late for everything ).
Me-
'But how would I know that dad?''

Dad-
'According to you you were coming later anyway, but you didn't! You came early!'

The difference was literally a few minutes.

Timing is a massive weapon of choice for them. There's no pleasing them.

[Starboard Song]

I try to re-interpret what I have heard as other than a question or criticism, which can be, uh, very hard I know.

Other: Where've you been?
Me: Just a little traffic.
Other: But I've been worried sick!
Me: I appreciate that. I'm fine.
Other: I'm upset!
Me: Yeah. Traffic can be frustrating.
Other: You're always late.
Me: I hope I didn't disturb your plans.
Other: But........but........

I think when we've been raised or otherwise tormented by such folks, it makes it nearly impossible to feel strong and good and right. But when we do feel strong and good and right, we don't get as angry or as hurt. Think about a toddler fussing. It never makes a healthy parent get defensive: it's just a toddler. But a parent has so much more power over us.

Anyway. I don't pretend this is easy. But I do promote a behavioral solution where we steel ourselves, reminding ourselves we are good and right and strong. And then we reply to everything with an aww-shucks attitude. If we aren't asked a question, we don't answer it. Generalized complaints can be agreed with.

You continue to do a great and kind service to your father despite his mistreatment of you. Please pause to commend yourself for your generosity. That is very hard work.

[p123]

I try to re-interpret what I have heard as other than a question or criticism, which can be, uh, very hard I know.

Other: Where've you been?
Me: Just a little traffic.
Other: But I've been worried sick!
Me: I appreciate that. I'm fine.
Other: I'm upset!
Me: Yeah. Traffic can be frustrating.
Other: You're always late.
Me: I hope I didn't disturb your plans.
Other: But........but........

I think when we've been raised or otherwise tormented by such folks, it makes it nearly impossible to feel strong and good and right. But when we do feel strong and good and right, we don't get as angry or as hurt. Think about a toddler fussing. It never makes a healthy parent get defensive: it's just a toddler. But a parent has so much more power over us.

Anyway. I don't pretend this is easy. But I do promote a behavioral solution where we steel ourselves, reminding ourselves we are good and right and strong. And then we reply to everything with an aww-shucks attitude. If we aren't asked a question, we don't answer it. Generalized complaints can be agreed with.

You continue to do a great and kind service to your father despite his mistreatment of you. Please pause to commend yourself for your generosity. That is very hard work.

Thing is I appreciate he likes to know the time BUT:-

- Hes not going anywhere else so it doesnt really matter anyway.

As for me, there are 1001 things that may delay me. It just gets me to thinking that I'm sure he thinks Im sitting at home sipping on a G&T or something.
He does not appreciate that him being totally unflexible and demanding a certain time just makes the whole visit a lot MORE hassle for me.

Hes not adverse to "can't you make it any earlier?". Ummm, no I'm obviously doing something else.
His best ever was "can't you come earlier today I want to pop into x shop and it closes?" There was no way I could do it. Wife was in work and someone has to look after the kids after all so I said "no sorry".

His answer "Cant you're wife finish early, she needs to explain to her boss the situation".

This is Dad all over hes convinced not only does the world revolve around him but the world has got to make allowance for his whims. I can just imagine saying to an employer "My FIL wants to go to the shop so I'm gonna have to leave an hour earlier today!"

Oh BTW my wife is a District Nurse. Visiting patients at home ALL of whom are way iller than my Dad. He knows this yet would expect my wife to "miss someone out" just to accomodate him. I've tried to explain but it falls on deaf ears.

[blacksheep7]

«Your're late»  Nice greeting.   You are there for him but hey, he wants what he wants.  He is a miserable old man, I'm sorry.

I've been through the same with NF.  In my 30's, NM babysat my kids once in a while and if I was fifteen minutes late.....OMY.  It was NF 

I didn't have the right response, I reacted and said «is this the army?»   Of course it was the accumulation, decades of abuse, control and manipulation.

It does get to us after all , we are human.

[Starboard Song]

I didn't have the right response, I reacted and said «is this the army?»   

Boy, that must have been a fun few minutes!!! We all do that at times. We just cannot be expected to keep it all inside.

[Liketheducks]

I'd have fun with it. 

-"You're always late".
-Ya know....you're right....I am.   

Watch ALL the wind suddenly leave his sails.

[Happypants]

I'd have fun with it. 

-"You're always late".
-Ya know....you're right....I am.   

Watch ALL the wind suddenly leave his sails.

This ^^

Deadpan voice primed purely for predictable, repetitive, circular conversations. Be ready with it and you might find the predictability of it all validating rather than infuriating.

I fell into a similar trap at the weekend. I hadn't spoken to them for a week, and most contact has been text. I did see them over Xmas period and we spoke regularly over the phone around then so no need for any drama. 

I called them on Sunday morning so I could leave the afternoon free for my plans. 1) I haven't called them in the morning for a few months, usually afternoon or early evening. 2) I haven't called them at the weekend for quite a while, though have regularly communicated by other means.  So I should have predicted what would happen 

Father answers with normal "surprised" greeting that I always get when I phone (because I haven't  phoned enough, even back when I used to phone at least every second day ). Then a sudden "is everything ok???" I took the bait - "yes, I'm fine  ", explained, apologised, explained another few times, felt guilty, listened over and over to "just cos it's so early/cos it's Sunday, I was worried when I saw it was you".

We went over it all the obligatory 4-5 times, then once I was apologetic enough (not for phoning early or on a Sunday and worrying them, you understand, what I was really apologising for was all the other times I SHOULD have phoned but didn't and so created this "panic" that there was something wrong).

They were happy by the end of the call - mission accomplished, point made, some JADEing from me. It was 10:12am on a Sunday, we're all early risers and we all know that, but they took the opportunity.

What I'm getting at is you know his ploys, don't give him a reaction, just agree in monotone and move on with the interaction, like I should have done 

[Hilltop]

Wales it looks so beautiful there, it's on my list to visit.  It sounds really frustrating. I suppose the trick is to make it less personal but let's face it every now and again those frustrations will come out.  Perhaps part of it is not seeing it as a criticism but seeing it as just a statement. 

"you're always late" - yep today I am late or yep sometimes I am late. 
"where have you been" - I was driving here of course or you could say you were enjoying a G&T and didn't want to rush the experience.
"But I was worried something had happened to you" - Gee thanks, I appreciate that concern.
"Cant your wife finish early, she needs to explain to her boss the situation" - wow so in your day were you allowed to leave work early, did you get to leave early often.
"can't you make it any earlier?" - no
"can't you come earlier today I want to pop into x shop and it closes?" - no, what do you want to get at the shop.

Blacksheep7 - I found your response of  "is this the army" quite witty and funny. I understand it may not have felt that way but it was very witty.

[blacksheep7]

I didn't have the right response, I reacted and said «is this the army?»   

Boy, that must have been a fun few minutes!!! We all do that at times. We just cannot be expected to keep it all inside.

I must say that it did feel good but I had so much anger in me  with that man that I would always answer back, not knowing any better at that time.   Just giving back his own medecin.  I was practicing lc without knowing what it was...long time ago.  He gave me nightmares, for real.

What I realized with time  is that they (Pds) always think we're out to get them, annoy them on purpose.  ALWAYS.   I would take my pd parents grocery shopping and one morning I was feeling under the weather so I said I would go the next day/morning.  At the end of the day I felt better and met up with a friend for coffee.  NF found out and said « what's up with that, you playing with us?»

[blacksheep7]

Blacksheep7 - I found your response of  "is this the army" quite witty and funny. I understand it may not have felt that way but it was very witty.

You are correct Hilltop, to think of it today.  I did feel like a soldier growing up in that house.

All do respect for those in the army.  Bravo for your service.  My b served.

[p123]

«Your're late»  Nice greeting.   You are there for him but hey, he wants what he wants.  He is a miserable old man, I'm sorry.

I've been through the same with NF.  In my 30's, NM babysat my kids once in a while and if I was fifteen minutes late.....OMY.  It was NF 

I didn't have the right response, I reacted and said «is this the army?»   Of course it was the accumulation, decades of abuse, control and manipulation.

It does get to us after all , we are human.

Number of times hes bellowed down the stairs as I come into the front door "where've you been, you're late!!!!!".

Occasionally, I'm stuck in traffic, been running around like an idiot get to get there, driven 30-45 mins. You can imagine how that makes me feel!!!!

[p123]

I'd have fun with it. 

-"You're always late".
-Ya know....you're right....I am.   

Watch ALL the wind suddenly leave his sails.

This ^^

Deadpan voice primed purely for predictable, repetitive, circular conversations. Be ready with it and you might find the predictability of it all validating rather than infuriating.

I fell into a similar trap at the weekend. I hadn't spoken to them for a week, and most contact has been text. I did see them over Xmas period and we spoke regularly over the phone around then so no need for any drama. 

I called them on Sunday morning so I could leave the afternoon free for my plans. 1) I haven't called them in the morning for a few months, usually afternoon or early evening. 2) I haven't called them at the weekend for quite a while, though have regularly communicated by other means.  So I should have predicted what would happen 

Father answers with normal "surprised" greeting that I always get when I phone (because I haven't  phoned enough, even back when I used to phone at least every second day ). Then a sudden "is everything ok???" I took the bait - "yes, I'm fine  ", explained, apologised, explained another few times, felt guilty, listened over and over to "just cos it's so early/cos it's Sunday, I was worried when I saw it was you".

We went over it all the obligatory 4-5 times, then once I was apologetic enough (not for phoning early or on a Sunday and worrying them, you understand, what I was really apologising for was all the other times I SHOULD have phoned but didn't and so created this "panic" that there was something wrong).

They were happy by the end of the call - mission accomplished, point made, some JADEing from me. It was 10:12am on a Sunday, we're all early risers and we all know that, but they took the opportunity.

What I'm getting at is you know his ploys, don't give him a reaction, just agree in monotone and move on with the interaction, like I should have done 

Yep get this too...

I also get the "keep in touch wont you?" Jeez Im down the road not emigrating to Australia!

[p123]

Wales it looks so beautiful there, it's on my list to visit.  It sounds really frustrating. I suppose the trick is to make it less personal but let's face it every now and again those frustrations will come out.  Perhaps part of it is not seeing it as a criticism but seeing it as just a statement. 

"you're always late" - yep today I am late or yep sometimes I am late. 
"where have you been" - I was driving here of course or you could say you were enjoying a G&T and didn't want to rush the experience.
"But I was worried something had happened to you" - Gee thanks, I appreciate that concern.
"Cant your wife finish early, she needs to explain to her boss the situation" - wow so in your day were you allowed to leave work early, did you get to leave early often.
"can't you make it any earlier?" - no
"can't you come earlier today I want to pop into x shop and it closes?" - no, what do you want to get at the shop.

Blacksheep7 - I found your response of  "is this the army" quite witty and funny. I understand it may not have felt that way but it was very witty.

The work thing is weird. Dad has an almost fanatical idea that you do what you're employer wants without question. He worked in a factory for 40 year so it was clock in clock off etc. There was no leaving early for him. I've said before I'm sort of self employed so no manager as such, just a clients. They try it on and I say no - I remember a car journey with Dad once where a client kept calling me (it was my day off and they knew it!). He just couldnt get his head around that I'd speak to them later - maybe! Its the old master and servants thing with Dad all the time.

BUT, on the hand, total opposite, he thinks he's the illest person in the world on deaths door, and any decent employer should be aware of this and make things easy. As you can see, even my wifes employer should let her have unlimited time off because her FIL is so sick. Even my 8 year old should know this apparently and know I've got to look after grampy first and foremost.

His best ever was getting the hospital to call me to bring him home from hospital because he didn't want to pay £10 for a taxi. I was an hour away by train, then a further 45 mins by car to the hospital he was in. So pretty much two hours+ away. I was at client site at the time. OK if it had been an emergency then they'd have had no issues but I couldn't let them down over something like Dad wanting to save a few quid. Dad did get on the phone  - "tell them you've got a very sick father here who can't get home - they need to understand things are more important than them!" I refused to go (after hes not that sick, hes leaving hospital. He can get home in a taxi - in 10 mins. I even offered to pay).

That was a classic. He refused to get a taxi after I said no. Waited 5 hours for the free patient transport. Then said I should be ashamed because I'd made him ill by forcing him to sit on a hard chair for hours waiting. The fact that he could have been home in 10 mins escaped him. Crazy, eh?