Self acceptance

[OneOneSeven]

It somehow hit me this morning. I've never in my life consciously acknowledged myself and capabilities. I am always in a constant state of downplaying my achievements. How do I work on this?

Thanks in advance.

[SonofThunder]

Hello OneOneSeven,

I was raised by a uNPDfather and caretaker mother.  My caretaking mother was (and still is), kept so very busy by my uNPDf that all of life as a child for me, was intertwined into the needs and goals of my father.  My father's goals for both me and my brother were to be successful in sports and monetarily so that he could be proud of his accomplishments of his two children. 

My sweet yet caretaking mother, has not yet found a way Out of the FOG and is still working very hard to try and please (not going to happen) her husband and keep his moods stable (not going to happen). 

My brother and I grew up, imo, in the shadows of these two adults and both of us (now in our mid/upper 50's) have spent a lifetime trying to overachieve because imo, that's what we were raised to do, and we somehow inwardly sought parental and societal approval.

Through a series of hardship events over decades, both my brother and myself are now Out of the FOG.  We have now both, in the last 5 years, begun to peel off the layers of PD past related confusion and are rediscovering ourselves, our individuality, strengths, weaknesses, talents, gifts, differences in personalities and so on.  We both are realizing how very different we are from each other, but both also realizing how unique and valuable we each are, just the way we are.  We both love each other, and ourselves in a very healthy new way.

My new relationship with myself has been a joyful road of discovery as I free myself to be who I was created to be and who I desire to be, shedding the false skin of who my uNPDf raised me to be.  I am still to this day, learning so much more about myself and lovingly embracing myself for who I am revealing, as I peel off the past layers. 

From a outside worldly view, I come across as very successful and full of different worldly achievements.  I have a 4yr college education from a very reputable university, highly successful 30+ year old business, stunningly beautiful, worldly-successful wife (a nBPD/NPDw), great health, large home with very nice automobiles and so on......  I have two healthy vibrant adult children who are well self-supportive (both older than you).  To the outside world, I have over-achieved.  But the outside world has zero clue what goes on in my inside world. 

I am SO happy to read you are now discovering yourself, and how you were raised, while you are still SO young. You have SO much freedom in exploring, unpacking and self-discovery ahead, and I am so excited for you (similar to how I feel about my mid-20's daughter who is rediscovering herself as well). 

I am of the opinion that I must enjoy my own past achievements, no matter whether anyone else recognizes or appreciates them at all.  But imo, my worldly achievements are secondary to the achievement of appreciating and knowing myself for who I truly am, regardless of any other achievements I have and may  accomplish. 

Again, just coming Out of the FOG and getting to know myself is one of the greatest achievements i have experienced in my 5+ decades of living, and am now in a highly discovery mode.  I believe I will be in this discovery the rest of my life and I feel internally, like the rest of my life is going to be so fun, being free to be who I am, and who I want to be, without any concern for who anyone else believes I should be.  I wish that for others and for you. 

I obviously do not know you, nor your achievements. But I can say, from my own experiences, that I am SO VERY proud of you for the MAJOR achievement at your age, of coming Out of the FOG; for standing up for yourself, your human and now adult-rights, your life and and for recognizing what is good and worth keeping, while discarding what is/was wrong.  I am SO VERY proud of you for loving yourself and being open, vulnerable in self-discovery and flexible with yourself and your goals, as you now depart on your own self-discovery journey.  I look forward to reading the stories of your continued self-discovery, here on Out of the FOG. 

Imo, your achievements of just being you, are one of the greatest achievements you will ever accomplish.  Your other achievements are surely fantastic, whatever they are, and I hope you can appreciate them yourself and be totally satisfied in yourself and them, regardless of whether another human-being recognizes them.  I fully appreciate you and respect you, and am proud to fellowship with you and your achievements, here on Out of the FOG. 

At your age, you have a world of opportunity ahead!  SO excited for you in your journey and discovery!!   

SoT

[OneOneSeven]

SoT thank you 
You have no idea how much your words mean to me. I appreciate your kindness.

It is hard, dealing with my father and myself. Mood swings, change of heart, depression and indecision. I had a really bad evening last night. My dad was triggered from me ignoring him, woke me up in 3 in the morning and started threatening me by divorcing my mom and abandoning the family. Just because I minded my own business, kept my head down, and avoided interacting with him. Imagine if I actually have done something! He would've probably killed me. But beside him and his insanity, I was on the verge before the encounter. I felt hopeless. I felt that the damage has been done and there is no way for me to fix it. I was trying to work on my mental. Listening to the negativity in my head, shifting my prespective, fighting my demons. It all felt so pointless. The resistance is just too draining. I want to fix my life and become myself regardless what that looks like. I wanna be happy and content. But it is so fucking hard, just from trying to work on my thoughts it is too hard. I wish I was able to take a vacation to figure things out but there is no place safe. No one to talk to. Even though I sound defeated, I haven't surrendered yet. Just recharging. I think that focusing on thoughts is the problem. I should be more pragmatic and actually do. But the overthinking is paralyzing. I will figure it out.

Thanks for being here, means alot 

[SonofThunder]

OneOneSeven,

So sorry you had a bad evening.  I fully understand the:

"Listening to the negativity in my head, shifting my prespective, fighting my demons. It all felt so pointless. The resistance is just too draining."

Glad to read you recognize it and then use your energies to find a way to float the experience of PD episodes away downstream, and refocus on the positive, self-protective, self-improvement good things coming around the bend toward you. 

You can surely unload your experiences here and they fall on reading eyes that understand, in camaraderie with you.  You are not alone, and in fact have am Out of the FOG army of support alongside you. 

Again, so proud of you in your self-discovery, insight and wisdom at your young age.  You have such a bright future ahead and YOU are in control of its direction.  Will be keeping you in thought and prayer and looking forward to keeping up with your adventures.  Cheers to you!

SoT