Really??

[Liketheducks]

My parents troublesome.   Dad was abusive while I was a kid, mom super passive aggressive and co-dependent.   Dad and I were estranged for nearly 30 yrs.   Mom and I went vlc about 4 yrs ago.   
In both cases, I'm open to exploring a new way of interacting, but I don't do the old ways.   
We have a only child.  He is the only grandson in my family.   I've kept him safe, but also allowed limited contact as long as it IS safe.   
Sent senior portraits to my dad, mom, and husbands parents overseas.     Husbands parents were overjoyed to get them.  My dad, was as well.  Expressed gratitude to get them.   My mom.....crickets.   I might add, as she lives minutes from me, she was likely the first to get them.   
It's not much, but how F-I get petty!

[Tribe16]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks when you make an effort to do something nice and it goes unnoticed.

You said Mom was passive-aggressive. Is this a way for her that she is aware will hurt you? It might be. My mom has lost the gratitude switch - it is broken. I have to "never let her see me sweat" because I think she gets her jollies pushing my buttons or causing problems or acting as nothing I do is good enough. Don't get me wrong, it crushes me. But not in front of her it doesn't, not anymore. I can shed some tears in the car when I get around the corner.

Give yourself a pat on the back, you did a nice thing sending her those pictures. Now I hope you'll do something nice for yourself.

[Hilltop]

LittleDucks my mother does the same sort of thing and it's hurtful.  The hardest thing with this sort of behaviour is that we become stilted in our own behaviour back. I spend time thinking about how my reaction will come across.  I spend time making sure I don't react or making sure I say something neutral, doing MC or grey rocking. Its actually quite exhausting.

I am wondering if perhaps you could call her and say 'oh hey I sent a portrait, did you get it,  what do you think, do you like it?'.  I mean you could ignore the silent treatment or whatever that is.  If you want to know what she thought simply ask. 

Otherwise don't say anything.  Your father and inlaws both responded positively.  Focus on that.  Perhaps your mother will respond later.  The hardest thing is not to take it personally.  This is about her and not you.  Yes it sucks and it's hard because we get drawn in to it.  We have been trained to pick up on those little things and we stress.

I'm learning how important it is to detach although that's way harder to do in reality.  I'm sorry she ignored you, it is petty.

[Hilltop]

LiketheDucks, (sorry I wrote LittleDucks before doah, I misread), I forgot to mention, I have seen a few YouTube videos recommended here and I have been watching a few lately.  I'm getting the silent treatment at the moment from my mother as well.

I found one with Dr Ramani and the silent treatment which I found quite useful.  I have been watching Jerry Wise and Kris Godinez.  I really have been getting a lot from these especially in relation to trauma bonds, the silent treatment and the scapegoat. 

[nanotech]

Just looked at this as recommended and I thought I'd share https://youtu.be/o8Cv5tSE6RI


I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my siblings and a certain nephew.

[Liketheducks]

I love Dr. Ramani!    She's wonderful.     Mom is totally a covert narc/victim.   Dad was/is overt.   Makes him a bit easier to manage.   It's more obvious.  And, I can totally just not respond to him for awhile and he'll stop what he's doing.

I texted mom to verify that she received the photo.   She did, but of course....the frame broke in transit....BUT she thinks she has another one that will work.     

Followed up the questions with...."Did you get last year's?  I never heard".     I'm having fun with this now.    .    18 months later....she just acknowledged she received it.    So petty.       She's the one who taught me that when you receive something, you say thank you.....Golly!

[Hilltop]

LikeTheDucks, I was wondering if it was mailed or something sent by phone.  I think as you say it was mailed then its really natural to enquire that it made it, if you don't hear anything.  If you think about with a friend we wouldn't think twice about asking them. Pettiness is really common with covert narcs. 

It's interesting that you say she taught you to say thank you when you receive a gift.  I have the same thing with my parents where they think that the rules don't apply to them.  They have said many things over the years of how others should act but then they won't do that themselves.  However in a lot of you tube video's they do say that narcs do know what they are doing, they do understand, they simply justify the behaviour away.  They are so entitled that yep they would expect the validation of a thank you to be given to them but don't feel they need to give that to anyone else.  It serves no purpose for her to ring you and thank you. 

I am glad you were able to contact her and simply ask.  Whatever your mother was thinking is now left with her.  Of course she had to say the frame was lost in transit, they naturally steer towards the negative don't they.