I just read a book that was very helpful

[MIB]

Hi everyone,

I contemplated putting this in the book review section, but since I just applied the concepts to a visit with my uPD mom (with success), I thought I'd share the top line points with you in the hopes that it can help others. This was the first "Christmas visit" since (uNPD) Dad died unexpectedly earlier this year.

The book I read (I even brought it on the train with me today to read it there and back -it's that good) was "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist- how to End the drama and get on with life ". I borrowed it from the library but found it so constructive and relatable (& suspect I'll be referring to it in future) that I bought a copy.  In a nutshell, here's what I learned from it.

BP/NPs are mentally ill. As a result:
*Don't argue, challenge, or try to win them over with logic
*Make your own choices and act on them (don't make what you want topics for discussion/debate...just do it)
*Minimize contact, and keep contact light but caring
*Don't expect them to take any interest in you because they won't.

I found this all made a ton of sense, weirdly really helps and is validating.

Which brings me to today's visit. Truly, I don't know if I could be more neutral and unopinionated today if I tried. Unless I was a lump of grey coal. Maybe then.

She had "a really nice time", and I had minimal exposure to drama. Why? Because I offered very little info/opinion, didn't react, stayed calm but pleasant, and threw any hope that she'd have any interest in me out the window. The little bit of info I shared was really just general chit chat (like I'd have with a neighbour) and I sprinkled this in not because I think she'd care but rather because I like to "sprinkle some salt in an otherwise bland meal".

I'm a tad tired from it but not super drained or frustrated like I usually am, which I take as progress 👍.

I hope this is helpful to others. Truly I found NC much easier in many ways, but I feel like in this situation limited contact (both for selfish reasons and those that presumably help her)  could be more bearable with these thoughts in mind.

Happy holidays friends,
MIB

[sandpiper]

A timely reminder, thank you

[mary_poppins]

That book saved my life when I moved back in with my PDs. It took months of practicing 'civil' interactions with people who love to put me down. The book helped me 'make up' stories about my life (friends, work choices, places I frequented) and served those stories to them on a daily basis. To this day, they have no idea what's going on with me and my private life. I wish everyone would read the book, it would save many people's lives.
Thanks for the reminder, I plan on reading it again.

[SunnyMeadow]

BP/NPs are mentally ill. As a result:
*Don't argue, challenge, or try to win them over with logic
*Make your own choices and act on them (don't make what you want topics for discussion/debate...just do it)
*Minimize contact, and keep contact light but caring
*Don't expect them to take any interest in you because they won't.
I found this all made a ton of sense, weirdly really helps and is validating.

Thank you for this MIB. The mentally ill part stands out for me. It's validating to see it in print and it highlights that it's HER and not me! As long as I keep in mind that every phone call and visit is all about her, it works out ok with minimal drama. I have very little feelings for her anymore as my mother. I see her as a mentally ill lady that I still feel obligated to keep in touch with from time to time.

[desertpine]

*Don't expect them to take any interest in you because they won't."

This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I keep waiting for my parents to show an interest in my life and have tried different ways to try to pique their interest, but the truth is that they won't. bam - mic drop - truth bomb   Reading this today just saved me some time and energy in trying to reach out to them tonight. I'm realizing how I still try - by sending pictures, by asking about their lives, sharing news, etc. Doesn't work though. They are kinda like a train that only has tracks that go one direction - just north/south from point a to point b. Back and forth. That's it. No matter how interesting the landscape is to the east or west, they can not go any other place, in any other direction because their aren't any tracks for that. And it's not up to me to lay down those tracks.

[Peace Lily]

I like you analogy of the train tracks Desertpine! That's exactly it! My mother is like a train hammering down a track - don't get in her way or she'll mow you down

[nanotech]

I love the train tracks analogy too desert pine. Great thread with such helpful advice from all.
I've ordered the book! Thank you MIB 😍
HAPPY NEW YEAR! 😍🥰😘🌟🎉 xx