Feeling bullied and judged by family

[Maz]

This is something I have always felt. I always feel judged and bullied by my family.

I think it's ingrained in me to accept bad treatment because I was the sg child. I have an older sister who is the Gc who basically runs the show.

I've been the victim of adult bullying in the workplace but it feels like family are just as bad.

I never feel that I'm accepted for just being me. It's always with strings attached. It makes me feel worthless.

[moglow]

Max, that was an ongoing battle for me for most of my life. Being made to feel deficient, less than, etc are hard to over when you've heard it from your family. Somehow we think it matters more when it comes from them because they supposedly know us best. It's hard to turn that around, consider the source and carry on. Those message do dig in, don't they.

Having grown up with the bullying, I recognize and shut it down quicker from others. Somehow it's not so easy with family but I'm getting there finally.

I'm rereading (for the umpteenth time!) The Four Agreements - "Don't take it personally" has been the hardest for me to grasp but it's become the most important in my mind. "They" can't hurt me unless I allow it, and I don't give that power away like I used to!

Peace, Maz!!

[Maz]

Thanks for your reply Moglow.

I just find it really hard to value myself. It makes building friendships really hard. So I tend to isolate myself which in turn makes you feel more alone and more worthless.

[JustKathy]

Hi Maz,

I get this. I really do. I was also raised to believe that I had to accept being bullied and to never stand up for myself. I've been bullied in the workplace and have come home hating myself for being too weak to shut it down. It's taken me a while to realize that it's not my fault, that I'm not weak or flawed. We were raised to believe that we weren't worthy and that we had to shut up and take it. It's hard to learn to assert yourself as an adult when you were raised to do the opposite, so try not to be too hard on yourself.

I also understand the difficulty in forming friendships. It's always been easier for me to isolate myself. I make friends easily but as soon as someone invites me over for coffee I'll make an excuse to get out of it, believing that I'm not worthy of that person's friendship. I still have a hard time getting past those feelings of inadequacy. It has gotten better with age, but I'm 60 now so clearly I'll never be 100%. Still, with age, I've learned to read people a lot better and recognize that bullies have the same kind of mental health problems that my mother had. I've also learned to truly value any act of kindness. Maybe one positive thing to come from being the child of PD parents is that my radar is pretty good when it comes to identifying PD people and genuinely good people. It wasn't always that way, but it is now.

Sending you a big hug, no strings attached.

[Maz]

Hi Just Kathy,

Thanks for replying.

I know what you mean. Sometimes it's how we feel about ourselves that shows the world how to treat us. It's something I'm still working on.

Thanks for your kind words.

Sending hugs 🤗

[Hilltop]

Yep I was told I was difficult as a child by my parents and have the same feelings of worthlessness however I am working on it.  I remember as a teenager recognizing that it was them and not me and I remember having this belief in myself, I sometimes am amazed by that younger version of me, that I had such a clear head, that I believed in myself, I find that amazing.  Something happened around 18 when I started to internalise the messages and lost all belief in myself. I think a bad boyfriend, then a bad MIL, my mother got worse with her covert insults and it all sort of snowballed and then their messages seemed permanent.  It's really hard to walk around with that belief about yourself, to think you are worthless, it's so painful.

My husband is the GC and was told he was great, he was perfect and he walks around with so much confidence, he honestly doesn't care what anyone else thinks of him, he is not arrogant but confident.  This was one of the ways I started to see that the messages implanted were wrong.  Implant loving positive comments and look at the different outcome, it's probably not that simple but it helps if you are shown you are lovable by your family, you believe you are lovable/likeable.

The other thing that has helped me is inner child meditations and I have started the year reading 'Acceptance and Commitment Therapy' by Steven Hayes.  I didn't get ACT before but the way he explains things I have really started getting more of a grasp about what it is about.  He does this exercise where you picture yourself as a child during a bad moment and then notice yourself noticing you as a child and then asks what you would say to that child.  If you look at yourself as a child, ask yourself,  is what is being said truthful, do you think it's the truth etc.  For me it was a really powerful exercise because when you really picture yourself as a child your immediate reaction to that child in pain is to comfort and you see how stupid the comments being made are.  How can that child, that is yourself be difficult, or stupid, or unlovable, or worthless.  Then the exercise goes on to ask what advice you would give that child.  Honestly when you start to look at yourself back then, it really shows you that the messages you received were not about you, they were wrong.  In essence you as an adult are no different to that child, you are not worthless or unlovable, you have a place here in this world, just like any other person here. 

Fixing that messaging is a whole other ball game lol but I think just seeing that the messages that are there and really believing they are wrong is a great place to start.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I felt the same with my family my whole entire life. Bullied for small things, irrelevant things, things I never saw coming, and of course the big things created out of nowhere that gave them a good story line to gang up on me with were all repeat patterns.  Then the judgement that however I responded to it was wrong.  The judgement was palpable. They always looked on me with a pre-set coding of a critical eye.  There was no changing it. 

I think this tends to be a common experience of a family scapegoat. It has nothing to do with you and it never did. There is nothing wrong with you. The bullying and the judgement does not reflect anything about you, and it is not who you are.   

I think it is easy to internalize these emotions in childhood and carry it as an adult. I also have been bullied in the workplace.  I believe I had C-PTSD from it and maybe I still do. As soon as I notice similar patterns occurring, my head spins and I think "oh no, here we go again." I freeze because I think trying to stop it will only dig me in a deeper hole. The tide is against me. I think I am so unwilling to experience these dynamics from others that I do not cultivate new friendships.  I do miss having close friendships, so that is not ideal for me either. 

I am working through similar dynamics myself. I think one thing that sometimes helps is to interrupt the inner dialog once I notice the patterns. As already stated, I also think just having awareness that this is not true is a good place to start.   

[daughter]

I was very much bullied and scapegoated by my parents; nmom even told me "every family has a scapegoat", as if to normalize that cruel behavior. 

That bullying and scapegoating, coupled with their expressed expectation that I passively accept it, and not challenge them, caused me in future to be very susceptible and defenseless to workplace bullying. I clearly see this connection now, but didn't when I was dealing with those seemingly all-powerful bullies.