Friend Fallout Post Divorce and Controlling How Others View Me

[LiftingFog]

Hi everyone,

Some of you will remember my posts about my high conflict divorce from my narc exh.  In the end, I got everything I deserved and relocated to another state (same distance away from my ex, just south) for a fresh start.

I've recently found out that my narc exh has told mutual friends (all related to a hobby I am passionate about and shared with my exh) that the reason he's put on 50 lbs in the past year (since our separation) has been because I tried to kill him.  And he's been traumatized by it.  The incident in question was me accelerating to 80 to pass a slow vehicle on the beltway - all of 10 seconds tops.  He claimed I was driving 100 mph for an extended period of time.  Seriously.  He's told them he grew to be scared of me, and that I'd turn into someone he didn't recognize.  This is him weaponizing my childhood trauma that I had shared with him.  I've been in and out of therapy for over 35 years.  (I'm also retired LEO and carried a dept. issued weapon safely for 20 years.  LOL)

It's like now that he can't control me, he's out to control what others think of me.  And in this hobby group, my exh was extremely popular and well respected. 

Sadly, there are overlaps within the hobby group with people near where I live now, and I've already been blackballed (blocked) by one group online.

I know there's nothing I can do.  And it hurts.    I just needed to vent.

[JustKeepTrying]

That just stinks.  Really stinks for you and I am angry on your behalf. So sorry you have to deal with that.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

When I met my husband years ago, he would negative things about his ex-wife.  At the time, I thought that was kind of normal, you aren't going to divorce someone that you liked.....

Now, I see that his put downs will be the same he will say of me.  For example, he'll probably report that I didn't care about his poor health (his physical complaints are constant, untrue, and attention seeking), was unloving (well, when you are verbally abused, showing affection is a real challenge), and was emotionally cold (that's the success of GR and MC).

It seems like what your ex says about you is more extreme, and it does hurt.  I just know that if people believe what my STBX says of me, I do not want them in my life. 

Try and remember that - some people will believe it...some won't even if they stay friends with him. 

[SeaBreeze]

When I left my first uNPDh, I was subjected to a major smear campaign by him, his PD family, and my own uNPDm who for whatever reason joined in even though she hated him and his mother. It was very hard, but other than setting the record straight on lies that threatened my custody of the children, I took the high road and ignored the gossip. Well, it took nearly 20 years, but time eventually came out on the side of the truth regarding ex-uNPDh and his PD family, and I have been quietly vindicated. Hang in there and hold your head high. Anyone who matters will recognize the smear campaign for what it is. If they believe the lies or participate in the gossip, then you don't need them in your life.

[LiftingFog]

Thanks so much for your empathy and advice.  It definitely has helped! 

And I am so sorry you all have experienced it, too.  It really is so telling of the narc ex and unbelievable that others actually believe them.  But you are all right.
Anyone that believes or participates in these smear campaigns are not worth my friendship.

XOXO

[blunk]

Happytobefree, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can definitely relate. When I divorced, my bpdxh and I were members of a club related to our dogs. It was the only club in our area, and although there are groups in other regions, the activity itself is somewhat of a "small world". Though I ended up with all of the dogs, and was fairly sure he was no longer participating, I opted to step away from the club. I was too afraid of running into him at a competition.

Initially, I stayed a member of the group's FB page, as I did enjoy the activity itself, and the photos that others would post. But eventually, he had information about me (a recent vacation) that I had posted. I had already ceased contact with all of our mutual friends, and my FB privacy settings were such that the info could only have come through a FB friend. So, I quit the group and walked away from the friends I had made through it.

It stinks, because I (and my dogs) loved to participate. I had also worked to develop a lot of the clubs forms/documentation and a database for tracking single event and yearly statistics. But in the end, my peace of mind was worth more than all of that. And I was able to continue the activity with the dogs at home.

I hope that you are able to enjoy your hobby group again...maybe in a different town or chapter...?

[clara]

One thing I've learned in life is that people often believe what they want to believe.  If they believe your ex, it's because they want to, for some reason.  There's often no logic or reason, it just is what it is.  Their psychological makeup is guiding them, and you're helpless to do anything about it.

I was in a similar situation, and I left the group rather than face my ex every time I attended.  I now know that was the wrong decision, because I allowed him to control my behavior by doing so.  I did exactly what he wanted me to do--leave and yield the field to him.  But I also came to realize that his friends were his friends, and mine were mine, and mine weren't actually listening to him.  They were hearing what he said, but weren't giving it weight, but at the time I didn't know that.  I couldn't understand that their unwillingness to openly take sides was their way of trying to put the situation on neutral grounds and keep harmony among everyone in the group.  Only his friends were openly taking sides and snubbing me, no one else was interested in what he had to say.

I eventually came back to the group, and he was long gone, along with all of his so-called friends.  Many of my friends were still around, and had stayed around in some manner during my absence.  They were behaving as mature adults, while he and his friends had shown their true colors and had moved on.  If the majority of people in that group had believed him and had behaved as he wished towards me, I would never have returned because people like that I don't want to be around.  If it wasn't me, it would eventually be someone else they were happy to pass judgment on based on one-sided information.   Who needs people like that in your life?   

[Kat54]

Unfortunately when people divorce this can happen. People take sides and you can't control the narrative your ex is putting out there.
I will say I was guilty of it also saying not very nice things about him... all true, but it doesn't matter. And his family, many stopped speaking to me and some friends stayed in his camp, some stayed in mine. It's hard for everyone who's involved with you both.
While I feel hurt by what people said about me it's what he told them and that was out of anger. 
My thought, Move on and make new friends, there's a whole new world out there and you know the real story. no one else does so people shouldn't judge.