Can you "raise" the inner child?

[pianissimo]

I don't know if I'm using the right terminology here. As I understand, there are modalities in therapy, and "the inner child" framework is one of them. I don't know if, in this kind of therapy, inner child grows up. It seems to be about healing the inner child. Here, my question would be, does the inner-child go away when he/she heals? These days, I'm realising that, the needs of inner-child get in the way a lot, and, it becomes hard for me tell which need I should prioritize. I don't want to regress to my inner child in times of crisis either. Again, I might not be using the right terminology. Do I regress to my inner child, or does her terror add to the stress of the situation?  I guess the latter, but it can be quite overwhelming.

Could anybody recommend topics or resources related to this?

I understand the right way would be to go to therapy, but, currently, this is not an option for me.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi pianissimo! I'm no expert by any means but I've been doing a type of inner child work for almost a year now.

So far I've had a lot of progress. But I would say no, the inner child does not go away in my experience so far.

I would say the way he/she/it gets your attention does change.

When I would ignore some gut instinct that brought about a huge amount of anxiety (standing up for myself in interpersonal conflict, taking breaks from work and more off my plate, avoiding someone who had me feeling red flags, having boundaries, etc.), the feeling would be unbearable. I would sometimes dissociate and go into a flashback, not listening to the child and maybe paying more attention to what the inner critics or the other person wanted more instead.

It took me a lot of work to become more conscious of these feelings, naming them, and figuring out at what age my inner child was speaking from. I learned to understand that sometimes when I'm ignoring those feelings or dissociating when scared, I'm abandoning my child, and that anxiety is it crying for my attention.

But as I've worked on listening to the inner child and acknowledging it, this anxious part of me is learning to "trust" me more when I listen to it. It's less insistent, the body sensations more bearable. If I am able to attend to the feeling right away, I will. If not, I try to speak to that part and say "let's get through this and I promise we will soothe later" (watch a show, drink tea, hide under a blanket, whatever is soothing...just like fulfilling a promise to a child).

So more and more, the anxiety and CPTSD has lessened it's hold a little bit because the *extreme* anxiety/panic attacks were its way of saying, "listen to me!" But it does not need to shout as loudly.

It's still popping up as anxiety sometimes. But I learn to be in touch with it, aware of it, know what it's saying more quickly and doing what I need to do to self-protect in a healthy way. I put it first. Just like a mother to a child.

Now, it has also felt safer to get my attention with more complex emotions like being angry for example (not with me but maybe the person crossing my path) and other things.

Yes, re-parenting works, and having a therapist along for the ride with you can really help. Though I've done a lot of my own work alone, I would highly recommend Jung and Kalsched, Shadow work and Animus/Anima integration as they can play a role in finding those inner good parents (and warding off the critics).

[Worthy of Care]

In my experience the "inner child" does not go away. As much as possible, I try to stay "adult me" when at work or dealing with adult situations. Sometimes I'm triggered and the frightened young parts are more up front. I am growing in my ability to bring comfort to my young parts.

https://ifs-institute.com/         This website might be helpful.

[pianissimo]

Hi everyone

Thanks for recommended resources. They look fascinating, I'm already eager to take a closer look.

Linking my anxieties to the inner child hadn't occurred to me. I also forget that there is a flashback aspect to the inner child.

I guess, these days, I feel like, my fears from the past are holding me back, and I kind of resent that aspect of me, and I wish that they just went away and left me alone.

[Jolie40]

my husband has said I act like a kid sometimes
I'm always trying to get him to have more fun

people my age seem SO old to me
I don't relate to them at all

I never really had much of a childhood so guessing my "inner child" will hang around a while

[pianissimo]

Hi Jolie40, there is a teenager side of me who wants to do things I missed out as a teen. It subsided after I became aware of it. I think that teenager is the source of my fun side but I realize it also makes me a bit reckless. After I became aware of its existence, I continued to be spontaneous but I think that I became less reckless. I think the teenager is inclined to sacrifice a little bit of who she is for the fun it.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Linking my anxieties to the inner child hadn't occurred to me. I also forget that there is a flashback aspect to the inner child.

I guess, these days, I feel like, my fears from the past are holding me back, and I kind of resent that aspect of me, and I wish that they just went away and left me alone.

It may not be the case for everyone, but yes for me, I found that the extreme anxiety and some flashbacks actually came from inner conflict between my critic and child.

When I put that child first (even if it can only be in my mind for the moment), it has really helped.

I used to do the same, just wanting the feelings to go away. When I did that the feelings would come back stronger, later.

They were my child feelings, and I was abandoning them. They were screaming for attention.

It took me a while to realize the part that wanted them to go away was a part my mother put into me. It was like a part of her installed into me like a computer program, to hate and shut down my fear and anxiety because it inconvenienced her.

I learned to be just as critical of my inner child as she was of me, because that's what I was shown and taught.

[pianissimo]

It took me a while to realize the part that wanted them to go away was a part my mother put into me. It was like a part of her installed into me like a computer program, to hate and shut down my fear and anxiety because it inconvenienced her.

In my case too, I hear her voice like "Why are you so hesitant?! You never seize the day! Why can't you be a go-getter like X?!"

[1footouttadefog]

Some of the inner child's wounds can heal and become painless scars over time.  The inner child can mature emotionally and over come fears.  Some of the emotion that are super raw and easily triggered can become less raw and some can become merely informational memories that no longer bring intensity if pain or emotion when triggered.

Progress can be made. Healing can take place and the inner child can find itself in a safer more caring environment.