Perfect storm

[Cathat]

My H is BPD been together 22yr.  Due to my choice we r living separately for my health and safety. I spend weekend with him. It been good cause he is looking forward to me and we make time for each other.  Through the week I live with my aging parent, who now is in need of my care.   I like this arrangement.  I feel guilty and selfish, but able to deal with him and his mood swings , blaming, etc. easier. As he can only reach me by texts and he is not in my face.  He doesn't like the arrangement .  Some days understands some days he ,like today is nasty and threatening divorce, life is all my fault.he gives me ultimatum.  Suggestion on how to diffuse his rage, I always seem to say the wrong thing.  Not even sure if there is a right thing.  Suggestion on what works Defoe others  when they are  dealing with the blame game and threats?

Thank you

[bat123]

Hi, Cathat!  If you are married to a PD, there will inevitably be blame and threats.  The best we can do is try to manage our own reactions.  But we can't change them.  If your current living situation works for you, that's great.  He may not always like it.  But you're both adults, and either of you are free to leave if you want.  I've been in a long term relationship with someone who's used threats, blame, and intimidation (just to name a few tactics) for years to try to keep me off-balance, and to make himself feel in control.  Now that I finally understand the dynamic, I've been able to reduce the impact it has on me.  But make no mistake— the best we can do is manage it.  These partners are simply not capable of a secure, healthy attachment.  If he blames you, guilts you, or threatens to leave, try acknowledging his feelings ("I can hear that you're upset.") and then telling him where you stand ("But this is all I'm able to do right now."). And that's it.  Don't apologize, don't justify, don't explain yourself.  You have a right to your opinion, and you have a right to a living arrangement that works best for you at this time.  In a healthy marriage, you could probably work toward a compromise, or come to an understanding.  But that doesn't sound likely in your situation.  Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I hope you can find some support and advice here.

[Cathat]

Thank you. . It does.. I need to learn to manage my reactions.  Not to fuel the fight cause it hurts too much

[1footouttadefog]

The toolbox here is a great help.