Emotional strength

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

Had a situation that happened last night.  PD spouse got into it with her son.  With the pandemic he lost his job and eventually his apartment.  His car needed serious help as well.  Spouse decided that he could move back in if X X X behaviors are followed by him.  He agreed and so here we are.

I'm elbow deep in eating dinner that she had made.  I like to have at least one hot meal a day.  It's a thing with me due to my work schedule, breakfast and lunch are usually cold meals.

Spouse and her son are talking about a t.v. show the dead files.  He has his own opinion on things, just like all of us has.  That simple conversation went into a argument over which opinion is the right one.

Which of course spouse had. to. be. correct.  Like she has a lock on what is true or false.  Things blew up and her son walked away.

I am starting to think that perhaps he has some PD tendencies as well. 

Of course she turned it into my fault because "I've never spoken up with the kids, I've never supported her, it's been always this way for the last 26 years, blah, blah, blah.

Same old stupid fucking bullshit of how it's my fault.  Damn, She "won" the argument with her son. By ramping up the emotional intensity to a point where he disengaged.  Buuuuutttttt, she's always the victim.   I'm the one that has never supported her in any interaction with the kids. (blended family)   

The kids and I converse pretty easily because I don't have a lock on the "truth" and I recognize that people have their own opinion. 

Was in not a great state emotionally yesterday since I'm in the process of grieving.  You know the might have beens?  And the lost opportunities of finding a honest loving relationship instead of what currently exists.

The conflict between spouse with PD (it appears to be bpd) and her son triggered my fight / flight.  And I wasn't even the direct line of fire.  Yet, I knew that I would be catching fall out from it anyway.  Even though it had absolutely nothing to do with me.

How does one keep the emotional detachment from the PD while handling intense emotional waves of grief, sadness, etc. ?

Thanks

[Starboard Song]

Oh gosh. I am so sorry. There is no easy answer. One thing you probably need to hear is that "yes: this sucks." Being caught up in a serious relationship that now feels fundamentally flawed sucks. And it is OK to feel bad, and to grieve for those might have beens.

Remember this, the grief over might-have-beens is grief of loss for something not there. It isn't about the person who is there, exactly, if that makes any sense. So for as long as you are in this relationship, I feel like there are two rooms: one room is full of lament, and grief for what this relationship isn't. The other room is where you find your spouse and have to live day to day in your best way.

Maybe, by thinking of this as two separate issues, you can find the strength and poise each day while also respecting your genuine feelings of regret or loss.

Be good. Be strong.

[StartingHealing]

thanks @Starboard Song

I do see where your coming from with the two rooms analogy.  Makes sense. 

I'm finding that part of my grief is also the "loss" of the person that was there when we got together, and now isn't there anymore. 

If that makes any sense at all.

Thanks again

[1footouttadefog]

It totally makes sense that you grief the person when you realize they are not there any more.

I actually had a funeral for my marriage and the loss of my spouse to mental illness.  I closed that chapter with a small private ceremony where I burnt items and made a memorable mental line of demarcation between then and now. 

[1footouttadefog]

I found out a week later that a very close friend who I loved dearly remarried his first wife after being apart 30 years  (2nd had passed away) at the same exact hour I had the funeral.   

So while one marriage was being buried another was reborn.

[StartingHealing]

It totally makes sense that you grief the person when you realize they are not there any more.

I actually had a funeral for my marriage and the loss of my spouse to mental illness.  I closed that chapter with a small private ceremony where I burnt items and made a memorable mental line of demarcation between then and now.

Capital Idea!  Thank you

[nillah]

I actually had a funeral for my marriage and the loss of my spouse to mental illness.  I closed that chapter with a small private ceremony where I burnt items and made a memorable mental line of demarcation between then and now.

I got chills reading this. Powerful. I like the idea of a ceremony, something to honor the part of you that was but also let go of her with respect. Phew!