They absolutely know what they are doing

[Lilyloo]

I just need to vent.  You've read my issues with mom.  They are so much like each of yours, that this is the first place I go to, my safe haven!  I have been doing well with what I say to mom.  Recently she was trying to guilt me about her getting the vaccine.. We had ours a year ago. To each his own on vaccines, that's how I feel.  I only told her that I was afraid being around her.I'm 68 and there were break throughs .  She runs all the time, exposed herself to infection.   Shes 85 so I think her doctor recommended it, but it took awhile.   She messaged saying "now if I get sick from this shot" and she was getting it in a few days. She went on about getting sick,  like I had forced her.  WHAT!!   I calmed myself and said " well, mom talk to the doctor if you are concerned"  I did ok I think in my reply

Fast forward to yesterday... I had offered her and my brother a trip out back in the summer.  It was a city that her parents had lived in and where my oldest brother is buried.  She told me my brother cant go, hes in a wheel chair she said.  I knew that, but he goes out often. He went to my other brothers wedding in August. She then said, she didn't think she'd go either. Ok I said no problem.. 

Yesterday she messaged about her joyful, fun day out. Guess where she went!!  It was long and about how my youngest brother and his wife took her there to that place I offered to visit with her. It was her valentine present.   She went on about the wonderful day they gave her. They bought her crab legs (she goes on and on about crab legs)  Now they are super expensive she said, but he got them for her!  It was a full blown N report, and mean in my opinion. It was to get at me. Esp since I'd offered that trip. Now it could be just my crazy mind going in all directions again, but I just thought not necessary! Please tell me if I made to much of this. I like your opinions.

I've often heard how they don't know what they do. I don't believe it!  I truly don't care, but think some nerve to send me that. It was not the right thing or nice thing to do.  They can take her anywhere. He has money, so he should. He did nothing for mom for years, but new wife makes him now

I said to her "oh that's great, they are so good to you, a good son and daughter in law"  I kept my cool.  I just needed a place to talk, and I thank you for reading 

[SunnyMeadow]

LindaLoo, I think your reply is perfect!! It takes the wind right out of her sails. 

I would bet she was hoping for you to be upset that she went to a place you said you would visit with her. She really does have a nerve to send you that but it's typical.  Just another way for her to get some drama and you didn't fall for it! 

[Lilyloo]

Thank you SunnyMeadow,  You are always so kind and helpful!  I hope you are home now and having some peace   That was so awful for you.

My post was long!  I looked at it and thought, Oh my, I went on way to long It's what mom does to me..LOL

She was this same way when I was a kid. My issues go back to those days. I never mattered then, only to take care of my brothers for her.  It's still the same,  It's just I'm supposed to take care of her. Each time I have gone, I come home in tears.

I just stay away now. I'm thinking when she passes the good brother and wife can handle it

Thanks so much!!!

[JustKathy]

LindaLoo, I think your reply was perfect. It was sweet and nice and NOT what she wanted. She wanted you to be hurt and angry. She wanted drama and she didn't get it.

And you're correct in saying that they know what they're doing. They know EXACTLY what they're doing. Everything my own Nmother did was designed to upset me, hurt me, and get a reaction out of me. I knew that's what she wanted so I never gave it to her.

I know this whole incident was both hurtful and maddening, but you did the right thing in not letting her know she had gotten to you. Good for you! 

[Lilyloo]

Thank you JustKathy! I so appreciate your reply.  I learned here on this forum about what to say and not say.  I guess I am hurt, but shes never seeing it. I'm sorry your mom did the same to you. Its sad that moms do these things.   You did great in not letting her get to you! 

I usually feel physically off for a couple of days, but it passes. Back on Christmas Eve when she yelled at me to "shut up" and  I had done nothing but say she shouldn't spend money on us.  I tried to be caring...I got shut up

Anyway,  It really rattled me, and as I drove home, I vowed she was never hurting me again. That day I just said Merry Christmas and left. I did not confront. You can never win with these N moms. 

And YES, they know without a doubt what they are doing.

Thank you again and

I

[mary_poppins]

Your instinct is right. She KNEW 100% that it would hurt your feelings if she went on that trip you first offered to take her. She wanted to stir you up and get that fix she loves and enjoys.

My mother's thing is to ask me the exact question every day (sometimes for weeks   ) with an innocent look in her eyes, pretending I didn't answer it like 100 times already. When I tell her that she does it to upset me, she shuts up and leaves the premises-so it is true. She does that to upset me and break me down.

So, yes, THEY KNOW what they are doing and they constantly trying to come up with something to stir us up. 

I'm sooo done with her.

[moglow]

Note to self/selves:

Be aware that just when you think they've gone really low, there's yet another level beneath that one if they look for it. Some will.

I'm working on my death glare and icy clipped tone where I enunciate every last syllable: "We're not having this conversation/I'm not saying it again. Do whatever you think best." It's not perfect but does have moments where at least i feel better about it/myself.

[Lilyloo]

mary_poppins, Thank You!  You are so right, it is their FIX!  How awful your mom asks the same question daily.  Sometimes I just shake my head at the nerve they have! I often think what did we ever do to deserve such nonsense from them. It is for sure done to stir us up.

  My mom can't just message me normal talk. It's her woes, poor her, or poor son, poor grandchild. I have children and grandchildren that never ever get mentioned.  It's just all so wrong!

I am glad you are done. You deserve so much better I decided yo let her golden sons and the new daughter in law deal with it all!  If they do it right and I always do it wrong they can have her  Thank you again!!

[Lilyloo]

moglow, Thank You!  Spot on!!  They always can go lower, it's a given!

She did! She ask me if I was on any medication. She said I am depressed! LOL   She also told me to call her, that she can help me

Oh gosh, what I'd really like to say to her.  She always always distracts from what shes done wrong.  Don't they all

They can twist it to say "but it was your fault I told you to shut up"  I love your icy clipped tone and what you say to her. Priceless!!

[Cat of the Canals]

She messaged saying "now if I get sick from this shot" and she was getting it in a few days. She went on about getting sick,  like I had forced her.  WHAT!!   I calmed myself and said " well, mom talk to the doctor if you are concerned"  I did ok I think in my reply

My PDmil apparently did this exact thing to her husband, except she was fully on board with getting the vaccine. It was only once she felt sick for a few days afterward that she started screaming at him about how she shouldn't have listened to him and that it had been all his idea to get the shots in the first place.  Of course, we only know this because he ratted her out when they visited in the fall. To us she'd painted a picture of her being so dutiful and responsible. 

I think you handled it well, and I'd look at the silver lining of her going on that little trip without you: that's one less time you had to subject yourself to her abuse!

[Liketheducks]

Kudos to you!   You handled it beautifully.     As if it would be your fault should she get sick from the vaccine......what a load of BS.      They DO absolutely know what they're doing.    I think we're conditioned as their children to accept this behavior as "acceptable".   It doesn't have to be that way.    Way to go!

[p123]

Thats just awful. Yep she 100% knew what she was playing at......

My Dad constantly tells me that my brothers wife is an "Angel" - exact words. My wife never gets a mention - she wont speak to him quite rightly.
SIL lives a mile away, has no kids, doesn't work and visits once a week and shes an Angel. We live 30 mins away, my wife works and we've got kids - therefore she is the devil incarnate.....

I do sometimes wonder if he thinks that if he calls SIL an Angel enough it might sink into my head and I'll demand my wife visit him to attain Angel status also. I won't of course - I stand by her decision and she can do what she wants. In fact, I'd advise her to stay away from him!

[Lilyloo]

Cat of the Canals, That's awful what your mil did!  They are all exactly alike!  Blame everybody else!  Yes I am glad I didn't have to deal with mom on that trip. They can take her everywhere, including doctors that I did for 40 years. Thank you for your reply.

Liketheducks,  Thank you for your reply!  It is BS for sure!  I used to get mad and want to confront. She still makes me mad, but I say as few words as I can, and think I'm doing better. 100% they know what they do!

P123, So sad he does that!  They have their Angels, and it's the ones that cater and act so perfect. My new SIL bows down at moms feet. So frustrating isn't it!  Favoritism abounds in my family. It tears family apart!  I agree that your wife should stay away!   Thank You for your reply

[moglow]

LindaLoo, one of my brothers says "they can't get your goat if they don't know where it is." Take that outing as a gift - you meant well but the instant she started tossing out obstacles you knew it was over. Her throwing that back in your face later? That fell even flatter! Funny thing is, you and I both know someone probably got manipulated and guilted into that so she could have bragging rights. She may even have told them "I've been trying to get LL to take me but she said noooo." OR it may have been a miserable trip all the way around and you didn't have to deal with it. M'kay! Still looks to me like you were the winner here

[Lilyloo]

YES!   moglow,  I am positive that my brother was manipulated!   You are so right!  The only thing I have seen with the new SIL is she seems to be really set on doing things for mom. I have watched her do it.  I do think my brother was manipulated by her and my mom.  I figure the trip was miserable for him.  The SIL told me not long after I met her to "get over it" about my mom.  That was a sign to me to not trust her

Thank you moglow!!