Parents Siding with BP Sibling

[GrowingFerns]

Hello everyone! I hope anyone can help me:

My brother (40 years old) is a recovering addict with BP, who refuses therapy or treatment for his mental illness. I have a chronic illness that he refuses to acknowledge and refers to me as a "hypochondriac". Due to my health and the pandemic, we are all living with my parents.

He's had a long history of verbal abuse, but was better for a few years. Last year he snapped and spent weeks verbally abusing my mother, father and myself. He screamed about me through out the house, claiming they were "coddling me" by not challenging my illness. He punched walls, slammed doors, and threatened violence (albeit indirectly) to himself and others.

I decided enough was enough. I could no longer have a relationship with him and could no longer feel safe around him, not knowing when they may erupt next. Hes apologized but has not changed behaviors.

Anyway, my mother says she supports my decision and understands but she always sends me messages about how nice it would be if we could both talk and come to an understanding. She's hopeful and i know she doesn't want to give up on her son, but she keeps putting anger and frustation on my whenever I ask for boundaries to be acknowledged. She is normally a very emotionally supportive mother, but lately she's been seeming to side with him because he hasnt had an outbreak and although I have said repeatedly I am not seeking to repair this relationship, especially as he refuses to get help, but she keeps pushing her hopes for a happy hallmark family on me over and over, and becoming distant and angry when I pop that bubble of "Family Fogviveness"

I dont know what to do about it and I'm feeling very lost and abandoned.

Thank you for any and all help.

[moglow]

Curious - what if you pointed out to her/him that forgiveness for past behavior doesn't require you to lay yourself out for more of the same? No one has to choose sides here. You've simply decided that you want no part of more abuse from him and have no reason to think he won't do the same given opportunity. So, no thank you.

Everyone living in the same house complicates everything  immeasurably. I'm not sure how this would work at all - avoidance is the only thing that comes to mind and that sounds very uncomfortable for the entire household. And why is mom sending messages rather than talking to you about it?? I understand she's trying to trod a thin line here but sounds like mom is trying to avoid any conflict. That's just not realistic given the circumstances.

No one has a right to "challenge your illness" but YOU, and then with your doctors. Your brother/mother/father doesn't get s vote in that! You have every right to refuse to discuss it with him or anyone else - you don't need his agreement for it to exist,  and certainly not for whatever care is required. His "challenges" help no one. Seriously. He needs to butt out and stay out of your personal health needs.

Is talking it out with her -or them- a possibility?

[donutmoonpanda]

I'm so sorry that you're being pressured to enter back into a relationship that is harmful to you. I'm sure your mom is as supportive as you say, she probably just wants to have things go back to the way they were because it was easier for her. I have a similar family situation, a 40-year-old brother who is mentally ill and living at home. My parents have enabled bad behavior at every turn and my brother hasn't gotten any better than when he was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago. He has grown more mean, selfish, and abusive over the years. I recently cut him off entirely, so he can't even message me.

My parents' behavior is why my brother isn't doing well. It's why he's made no recovery. He's arrested developmentally. They would always argue to do whatever made my brother happy, enabling him with money and anything else, no matter how bad that is for his condition/treatment/recovery. And it doesn't matter how it affects me. "I'm the strong one. I don't have any needs"

You're not just removing yourself from his abuse. You're removing yourself from your brother's "treatment plan" (which he has refused anyway). You're removed from helping in his recovery because he doesn't want help. My own situation has always reminded me of Al-Anon and other programs for families affected by someone else's addiction: Put yourself first and use tough love. How will you ever treat your chronic illness if your emotional energy is devoted to navigating an explosive BPD brother?

I'm sorry your mom can't see that. You might be surrounded by denial (I mean, the hallmark family sounds like it never existed, am I right?). You're living in the truth. Sometimes it's impossible to stay connected with people who are deeply in denial. I tried it. It didn't work for me. I couldn't live in reality all day and then enter into denial/alternate reality to have a conversation with my mother.

[xredshoesx]

in your other post you had mentioned you had been NC with your parents.  did the pandemic contribute to ending the NC that put you in the situation where you are all now living together?