Push / pull I'm done ...help please !

[Whitesheep45]

I'm done ....I absolutely can't do the push pull in this friendship anymore ..
We've been friends 7 yrs and now I'm done and can't do this push pull cycle .. I put a boundary in after new yr of needing to take time to do my own inner work ( when she just didn't show up without any message for new yr plan  )
She didn't respect my decision and was  sending several messages , calling me and then showing up on a grp I run ( she's been in this grp 2 yrs and never comes ...
I said I needed a mth and would be in touch .. bang on one month ( she's never bang on for anything when its business as usua) l she sent me a couple messages via the grp which I didn't respond to .. she then sent another one to my phone today...
I responded by saying I was continuing deep inner work and it would be several weeks ...low and behold I don't hear anything .. a friend would say ' ok I understand hope u ok best wishes ..
But no ,,....nothing . Another push another power dynamic ... I really feel it this time ... I put myself on the line and get stone walled

If I hadn't responded I would have got another message for sure

Can people educate me here please !
Is there anyway to talk with someone like this and put a firm boundary in that this behaviour won't be tolerated anymore ... Can a bpd change this or not ?
If I'm needing to end the freindship how best am I to do it ..
Is there anyway for me to not end it but do it differently with her ?

Please help

[guitarman]

You are not alone. It's difficult to cope with someone who doesn't do as you want. You need to be calm at all times. You need to talk about your feelings more.

You could use "I ..." statements more rather than "You..." statements. State clearly and calmly what you want. You don't have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. "No" is a complete sentence.

You could work on your assertiveness skills and your self esteem.

Be aware about not getting provoked into anger thereby feeding the narcissistic supply, which is exactly what they want.

Observe don't absorb.

Stay calm.

Use Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques. Become very boring. Don't play their game. They will go elsewhere.

State calmly and clearly what you want. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Rehearse over and over what you are going to say if you are going to meet this person, or if you should meet them by accident. Keep it short and calm.

You do not have to set yourself on fire in order to help keep someone else warm.

You may like to look at the videos of the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives many examples of what to say in similar situations.

It becomes easier the more you practice and actually state out loud what you want. It's OK to calmly say what you want.

Your feelings matter.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Keep posting.

[Whitesheep45]

guitarman
This is helpful thank you ..
. I'm coming into a space more about knowing what my limits are and boundary setting . I've had the book ' how to survive a borderline parent ' for a long time but not really looked at it . I started reading it this morning and it is very good with skills and techniques some of which u describe to start to use to take care of self and not lose self power . I always thought I was an assertive person but I'm starting to learn what that actually is coming from a calm centred place . It feels good .

I like the JADE hadn't heard of that before . And observe don't absorb .
Calmly and clearly state what I want ....using I statements ....

Not getting provoked into anger ...yes

Working on my assertiveness and keep practicing what I want to say ... Good

This morning on waking I had a clear thought of ' stop using text communication with her ' . Bam simple and such a relief the boundary of  no texting . if when we speak next time I can say that text communication isn't working for me and don't need to justify it

[GentleSoul]

It sounds like the friend is triggering some deep unresolved trauma in you.  I relate to this. 

Glad you are reading and finding the book you mention of help.

I found once I had addressed my unhealed childhood trauma wounds, day to day people such as your friend no longer bothered me.  Their behaviour didn't touch a raw place of pain in me.   I no longer felt an emotional response to them.

They just became dull and tiresome to me,  I stopped responding, they faded away to bother someone else!

Wishing you well in this journey.

[guitarman]

"Observe don't absorb" came from Ross Rosenberg
https://www.selfloverecovery.com/blogs/blog/observe-dont-absorb-technique

He also has a YouTube channel.

[treesgrowslowly]

Boundaries with friends (and family) are best if established early on. Once that person has a certain dynamic with you, and they are getting something out of it, they will NOT want things to change.

It really sounds like you've outgrown the friendship with her. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it. If there is something you enjoy doing with her from time to time, maybe you can still do that activity together but this isn't someone who appreciated what you were conveying there at the beginning of the new year. Don't you want new friendships with people who can support you and celebrate that you're doing inner work. I know we all deserve that!

I've been there. You tell these people you need time for inner work, and they just skate right past that and continue wanting whatever it is they want from you.

A real friend, hears that and says oh, thats cool or oh, how can I help or oh, yeah I get that.

If you're doing inner work on yourself, you're going to need friends who also understand inner work.

Also...those of us who do inner work, are sought out by emotionally draining types. They want us to do their inner work. That is why it feels like push pull with them. They are trying to pull you in to their stuff.

The reason you will get better at this over time is because the more you keep that energy for the people who truly deserve it, the easier it is to grey rock / let go of the people around you who don't make you feel respected, heard and validated. It's an important shift for us to make, especially after any sort of narc abuse.

What I believe is that when we tell certain people we are doing inner work (or express any sort of boundary around self-care), something inside them says "no, you need to pay attention to ME!". Let them be. They don't really want you to take care of you. If they did, they would know how to behave when you signal that you are doing inner work on yourself. Healthy people want their friends to have boundaries.

Trees

[Coyote23]

Boundaries with friends (and family) are best if established early on. Once that person has a certain dynamic with you, and they are getting something out of it, they will NOT want things to change.

It really sounds like you've outgrown the friendship with her. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it. If there is something you enjoy doing with her from time to time, maybe you can still do that activity together but this isn't someone who appreciated what you were conveying there at the beginning of the new year. Don't you want new friendships with people who can support you and celebrate that you're doing inner work. I know we all deserve that!

I've been there. You tell these people you need time for inner work, and they just skate right past that and continue wanting whatever it is they want from you.

A real friend, hears that and says oh, thats cool or oh, how can I help or oh, yeah I get that.

If you're doing inner work on yourself, you're going to need friends who also understand inner work.

Also...those of us who do inner work, are sought out by emotionally draining types. They want us to do their inner work. That is why it feels like push pull with them. They are trying to pull you in to their stuff.

The reason you will get better at this over time is because the more you keep that energy for the people who truly deserve it, the easier it is to grey rock / let go of the people around you who don't make you feel respected, heard and validated. It's an important shift for us to make, especially after any sort of narc abuse.

What I believe is that when we tell certain people we are doing inner work (or express any sort of boundary around self-care), something inside them says "no, you need to pay attention to ME!". Let them be. They don't really want you to take care of you. If they did, they would know how to behave when you signal that you are doing inner work on yourself. Healthy people want their friends to have boundaries.

Trees

This really resonates! I just realized I've never had to set boundaries around my inner work with people who have healthy boundaries themselves. It never even comes up. In fact, my healthier friends will say, hey, do you want to chat? Do you need some space? I know you have a lot going on but know that I'm here if you need me and I would love to see you but no pressure.

So for me, if I even need to set that boundary at all, that's a sign to evaluate the friendship and whether it's healthy.

[blacksheep7]

A bff of 30+ yrs told me «farewell Blacksheep», we are very different and our relationship can not blossom.  It was one sided as far as blossoming goes.

I had made my boundaries clear two yrs ago about codependency and filling a void but she came back full force  in her old set ways, always calling if I don't answer, expecting me to chat minimun one hour. I had also put up other boundaries of the ongoing circular drama and unhealthy behaviors of her foo and foc which were her favorite subjects, drama and gossip.  Patterns of my nc foo.
She ended her statement writing that if others that don't measure up to me, they are  inferior beings (projection for the second time. )  Throughout our friendship I noticed much shame and guilt in herself and had told her that she needed to take a closer look at the reasons and work on that because foo were taking advantage of her ppl pleasing.
A friendship that saddens me, that can not be repaired because she did not and does not want to do the inner work.

Boundaries need to be set  but don't let it drag out too long if there is no change, like I did.