Should I get a P.O. Box???

Blessedtobefree · February 04, 2022, 01:34:59 PM

Long story short, I've been NC with my Borderline mom for about 9yrs. 9 years ago after picking her up off her deathbed for the millionth time, taking her in (Psyc ward would no longer take her), and then placing her in a adult home for about 6 months so she could get well, she decided that she is not sick and needs no help. My brother and I decided to go NC. We told her if she wasn't going to get the care she needed then we would no longer help.

Since then my life has drastically gotten better. My stress levels have considerably lowered. Over these last 9 years she has still tried to control me and my kids. Sending passive aggressive manipulative mail to me and my kids. Tired to contact me and bully me through family members or on social media. For the first time within the last year she showed up at my home to harass me (somehow she saw a Facebook post to my dad honoring him for his service to our country). She drove up to tell me what a piece of @#$& my dad was and how dare I do that. Luckily I was not home and my husband intervened. After that I got a ring doorbell in case she came again and I had proof of her behavior. Within the last few months she found a random post to my cousin on Facebook, so she publicly posted a nasty comment to bash me. I deleted it and untagged my name. She doesn't have access to my Facebook and we only have a few mutual friends. All of which I don't post on anymore because of that reason.

All this to say I moved out of state recently. Now she is asking my dad for my new address so she can send my kids presents. Mind you her presents always have manipulative qualities and are never around the actual dates they are intended for. I don't want her to have my address but then I'm putting my dad in the middle. I could get a PO Box, but then now I have to pay just to have peace. I could send her a message saying I'm uncomfortable, but then she might explode and cause more trouble.

Tips, help? I thought NC would get easier over the years but it seems to get worse at times.

Starboard Song · February 04, 2022, 03:18:55 PM

Don't call her. No good comes of that.

I'd ask your dad to please not provide the address. If you are not worried about her showing up at your door, I'd not worry about it at all and just process the mail efficiently when it arrives.

Our unwanted mail has about petered out after 6 years. And if they need elder care one day they'll have to buy it or ask a friend.

I wish you so much good strength.

Blessedtobefree · February 04, 2022, 04:10:51 PM

Thanks so much. My dad responded a bit with her and opened a huge box. They are divorced for over 30 years but she still tries to engage and get to me through him.

I just can't believe after all this time of NC I still have to go through the fear of her coming after me and threatening to fight for visitations with my kids.

SunnyMeadow · February 05, 2022, 09:32:14 AM

I say do whatever you can to block her and protect your peace of mind. Block everyone on Facebook or deactivate it like I did

Also tell your dad not to pass along your address. He can say he doesn't have it or you don't want it given out. If you have to a PO Box is ok too. This sounds very stressful. I'm sorry she's still finding ways to hurt you.

But beware... I'm at my parents house staying while they are both going through medical issues and I found a slip of paper with my siblings current address on it!! My sibling has been NC with our mom for 15 or 20 years and has moved several times. All these years later uNPD mom still searching for addresses to send long ridiculous letters to hurt my sib over and over. It's a weird sickness inside my mom.

Protect yourself!

treesgrowslowly · February 10, 2022, 07:51:55 AM

Get a PO box. Yes it sucks to have to pay for peace, but your peace is worth every penny.

Trees

mary_poppins · February 10, 2022, 10:23:45 AM

Quote from: Blessedtobefree on February 04, 2022, 01:34:59 PM
Long story short, I've been NC with my Borderline mom for about 9yrs. 9 years ago after picking her up off her deathbed for the millionth time, taking her in (Psyc ward would no longer take her), and then placing her in a adult home for about 6 months so she could get well, she decided that she is not sick and needs no help. My brother and I decided to go NC. We told her if she wasn't going to get the care she needed then we would no longer help.

Since then my life has drastically gotten better. My stress levels have considerably lowered. Over these last 9 years she has still tried to control me and my kids. Sending passive aggressive manipulative mail to me and my kids. Tired to contact me and bully me through family members or on social media. For the first time within the last year she showed up at my home to harass me (somehow she saw a Facebook post to my dad honoring him for his service to our country). She drove up to tell me what a piece of @#$& my dad was and how dare I do that. Luckily I was not home and my husband intervened. After that I got a ring doorbell in case she came again and I had proof of her behavior. Within the last few months she found a random post to my cousin on Facebook, so she publicly posted a nasty comment to bash me. I deleted it and untagged my name. She doesn't have access to my Facebook and we only have a few mutual friends. All of which I don't post on anymore because of that reason.

All this to say I moved out of state recently. Now she is asking my dad for my new address so she can send my kids presents. Mind you her presents always have manipulative qualities and are never around the actual dates they are intended for. I don't want her to have my address but then I'm putting my dad in the middle. I could get a PO Box, but then now I have to pay just to have peace. I could send her a message saying I'm uncomfortable, but then she might explode and cause more trouble.

Tips, help? I thought NC would get easier over the years but it seems to get worse at times.

That's a good idea. I've heard about the 'P.O Box' method of protection many times in abuse recovery groups. I'd definitely pay for it if it means I'd have peace and quiet.

Boat Babe · February 10, 2022, 01:20:09 PM

What price your peace of mind? Get a PO box. Hugs.

frogjumpsout · February 19, 2022, 11:56:09 AM

Sorry to jump on here, but when posting a similar question a few months ago, I got very different advice -- that my parents could definitely find my address if they were determined, and I should try not to let their mailings bother me: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=90105.msg770110#msg770110

Not that we all have to agree, of course! But if I misunderstood something, or if someone can speak further to this question of whether a PO box is typically an effective way to block unwanted mail and visits from disordered people, I'd be grateful. Thanks!

treesgrowslowly · February 20, 2022, 12:55:17 PM

Frogjumpsout,

That is a good question you raise. I am one of the folks who replied here about the PO box.

I should add that I've never had a PO box so I don't know how they actually work, and they might work differently in different countries.

When I replied, my main thought was "whatever approach to mail gives you back your peace and sanity is worth it". You raise a good point that a PO box may not be effective in keeping a narc relative from finding us.

Hopefully folks with experience with this can chime in with more details about how the PO box works and if it was worth it in their case.

Trees

frogjumpsout · February 22, 2022, 12:12:00 AM

Thank you for the kindness of your response, trees! It's so soothing to be in a place where people are like this.